I once had a long conversation with a man in his late 60s in order to discover what his parents’ secret was. He and all of his siblings were exceptionally successful productive people and were leaders and advisors in their respective communities. I wanted to know what amazing system his parents used. He replied that they were“half blind.”

“They didn’t see every foolish thing we did but they made sure to see and acknowledge every drop of good.”

Do we need to notice every mistake our children make? Is it really a parental responsibility to comment on their flaws all the time? The mark of a good parent is not only in the words he uses it’s also in his ability at times to not use any words at all. No comments no faces no noises that show annoyance — just not seeing. Of course there are instances when we must see in order to protest disagree or point out when a certain behavior is unacceptable. The trick is in choosing when to speak up and when to ignore. When we criticize too much if our interactions with our child are mostly negative it is not only our relationship with him that we put at risk. Harsh criticisms erode self-confidence and foster a sense of self that can be expressed as “I can do no right I’m a bad person.”

In Pirkei Avos Chazal encourage each of us to be a disciple of Avraham Avinu and to train oneself to have an ayin tovah literally translated as a “good eye.” If I have good eyes I see the positive in others and I don’t let anger cloud my vision or allow disappointment to distort my perceptions of the child in front of me. To see his attributes his good qualities too even though he is difficult so difficult. And when a comment is necessary we must make it clear in the words we use in our tone of voice in our whole demeanor that we know that this wrong action of his does not define his totality. He is more than his inappropriate behavior so much more.

I’ll always remember that look in my father’s eyes. More than 40 years have passed since I left home at 16 to go to a yeshivah in another city returning home once a month for a brief visit. The look to which I’m referring was that first look on his face when he would see me after I arrived home. The look that expressed more articulately than words his joy. I didn’t need to do anything — I just had to be. Unconditional pleasure. It is almost 11 years since his passing and 19 years since the devastating diagnosis of Alzheimer’s disease yet the memory of the sparkle in my father’s eyes during those greetings accompanies me and fills me with his love even today.

What does your child see when she looks in your eyes? Does she see approval warmth love pride or joy? Or does she see anger disappointment and maybe even disgust? Many teens have told me that they have seen hatred in their mother’s or father’s eyes.

Do you realize that she takes her cue for how to feel about herself from you?

A child’s self-esteem is strongly impacted by three components:

The first is living in an environment that is not overly critical that is not demeaning to his dignity. This does not contradict the second component which is being held responsible for his actions (after the parents choose their battles wisely) and given opportunities to grow beyond himself. Being proud of one’s accomplishments is at the core of healthy self- esteem. The third important element is internalized images of what he saw in the eyes of those very significant adults in his life such as rabbis rebbeim and morahs … and most importantly parents.

In our parents’ eyes we see ourselves.