How can we make our mother realize she’s babying our sister?

Q:

My sisters and I (all married with kids of our own) have been struggling with the way my mother deals with our nine-year-old sister. My mother has a very hard time saying no to her “baby” and we’re seeing just how destructive this weakness is. Unfortunately, our sister acts like a spoiled brat. For example, she’ll ask my mom to go upstairs to her room to bring her something that she forgot, while she’s sitting on the sofa reading a book — and Mom will actually do it! Or she’ll whine for ice cream five minutes before dinner and Mom will give her some! In fact, Mom will do practically anything she wants, no matter how unreasonable. We have a very hard time watching all this, and since we can’t tell off our mother, we tell off our sister. Of course, our mother defends our little sister when we do this and gets quite upset with us. Is there a way to help our mother see what’s really happening while upholding the mitzvah of kibbud av v’eim?

A:

NO, there is no way for you to help your mother see this.

Here’s why.

Let’s say that you see a mother at the park with four small children. They’re begging her for food. The mom opens a large bag and pulls out packages of chips and candies. You know this isn’t “food.” In fact, you’re pretty sure that these empty-calorie, high-fat, fried, sugary, salty, fake food items may even be carcinogenic. You know she’s doing her adorable, innocent children a great disservice. Do you tell her? Of course not. It’s not your business to tell strangers how to parent their kids unless their behavior is negligent under the law.

Let’s say you stay at the park for quite a while, and while you’re there, another mom sees that your own children are squabbling over the sand toys; they aren’t sharing nicely. The other mom notices that you’re busy talking with another mother. The “observer” sees that you’re not paying attention to your squabbling children. She thinks that if you’re going to take the kids to the park, you should be prepared to supervise them properly. She thinks you’re doing them a disservice. Should she tell you? No. It’s not her business how you parent your kids unless your behavior is negligent under the law.

You correctly identify that the job of the parent is to lead and guide the child; the parent is the one who is in charge. You note that your mother is weak in the application of this principle. Your mom also tends to say her brachos very quietly, so that you can’t always join in with “amen.” Sometimes, she actually mumbles her words, which is, of course, even worse. In addition, your mom — wonderful as she is — has been known on occasion to directly contradict her own mother (your beloved grandmother). Not okay. In fact, it’s good that no one hired you to follow your mom around to record her misdemeanors because you’d find quite a few, and then you’d have to confront her on all of them.

Or would you?

Of course not, because it is not your job to teach your mother how to behave properly.

Interestingly, even though it was once your mother’s job to teach YOU how to behave properly, you probably would not be pleased if she continued to claim her rights as an educator today. Imagine if she now followed you around with her little black book when she came to visit you in your home, writing down all the things you do incorrectly. “Doesn’t give her husband sufficient respect.” “Leaves dishes in the sink after dinner instead of washing them immediately.” “Criticizes children at the dinner table, disrupting their digestion.” “Allows the kids to leave the table without asking permission to be excused.” In a short visit, she could make quite a list and then happily share it with you.

Should she?

Would you invite her over again real soon if she did?

Even apart from the issue of the hierarchy, there is the issue of personal boundaries. Your mother has to step back from her “right to reprimand” once you become an adult, in order to respect your autonomy and to safeguard your relationship.

Similarly, you need to step back to give your mother the respect and autonomy that all people deserve and to help preserve your relationship. “I’m just trying to help you” is a line that many have said in their own defense as they watch their relationships crumble before them.

Only give your mom parenting advice if she asks you for it.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 947)