I’m Sorry, But I Really Just Don’t Care About Your Enneagram Number
| September 26, 2023For once and for all, I would plumb the depths of the Enneagram and emerge better, wiser. Thinner
Disclaimer:
There are many wise, erudite, and learned professionals who have found psychological insight and enlightenment in the Enneagram.
Unfortunately, this article wasn’t written by any of them.
Tehilla
It’s 2023, and I know we’re supposed to be PC, but I’ve had it and so I’m just going to say it straight: I really don’t care about your Enneagram number.
Here’s the thing: many of my friends and coworkers, whom I deeply respect as insightful, smart, on-the-ball people, really do care about this wildly popular personality typing system. Like, really, really do. It’s not that I don’t care about self-awareness, or interpersonal relationships, or that I doubt the veracity of a typing system that claims to be able to box in all the billions of people on this planet into one of nine frames. I’ve tried, I really have, to appreciate its mysterious wisdom, to unlock the doors leading to greater self-awareness and improved relationships. I’ve tried. It’s just so… boring?
And so needlessly complex. You want me to memorize nine personality types, okay, fine, I can do that. But then they start throwing in wings and anchors and points of disintegration and what was that you were saying? I’m so sorry, I fell asleep.
But after the umpteenth time a friend suggested a resolution to an interpersonal conflict at work that involved the Enneagram, I resolved to Do Better. To Be Better.
For once and for all, I would plumb the depths of the Enneagram and emerge better, wiser. Thinner.
But I wouldn’t do it alone. This would be a team project. Here’s how it would go down. Together with my coworkers, we’d learn our Enneagram numbers, gain greater self-awareness and wisdom, and use that to revamp our work experience.
Starting with my convincing them to take the world’s most boring personality test.
There are a myriad of Enneagram tests out there — or at least a whopping 465 million results that pop up when I search “enneagram test free online.” Using the scientific method, I carefully and methodically select which test I will take by clicking on the top link, which leads me to Truity, a website that promises to help users “understand who you truly are.” Plus, its tests are accurate and insightful, a claim verified by the very scientific-looking icon of a bubbling beaker.
Now. Here is where I admit proudly share that I’ve taken the Enneagram test before. But my results have always been… shall we say, inconclusive? I’m the personality type far too indecisive to figure out where on the five-point scale of “always true-somewhat true-never true” I fall.
But also? It’s possible that this isn’t entirely my fault. Take a look at the test questions:
“I’m not afraid to tell someone when I think they’re wrong.” Uh… is that person my four-year-old? Or my CEO?
“I’m prepared for every worst-case scenario.” I mean, I have lots of backup contingency plans at work, but I’m hardly a Mormon prepper with four years of canned goods and beans in my pantry. PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC.
I obviously need to answer “it depends on the context, duh,” for half of the questions, but since that is not an option, I break into a cold sweat over questions like, “It’s important to me to be successful,” and, “I let other people make the decisions.” SOMEONE PLEASE DECIDE THIS FOR ME.
Still, though, I’m pleasantly surprised to discover that I’m breezing through these questions at a fairly fast clip. The test isn’t as slow as I’d remembered — or maybe I’ve just matured, become more introspective and growth-oriented.
Next page.
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