“Blaming parents for a child’s behavior is a very dangerous path to go down”

The Question

Is bullying always indicative of problems with parenting or the home environment? If my child is a bully, is there anything that I can do as a parent to prevent bullying that takes place out of my sight?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

If a child is bullying others, he may essentially be announcing to his parents and mechanchim that he’s suffering from a low sense of his own value and power.

Blaming parents for a child’s behavior is a very dangerous path to go down. There are so many factors that could play into why a child behaves the way he or she does. Concluding simply that the parent is at fault, or the home environment is deficient, requires a very significant jump. While there could possibly be factors at home that are influencing a child who is bullying, it would not be necessarily the first place to look.

Bullying can often be traced to low self-esteem, and this would be a much wiser place to begin the intervention. Self-esteem is a major challenge that every human being struggles to develop. It is not one factor but rather the entirety of a child’s experiences that leads him to develop a healthy self-esteem. There are also inborn biological factors like brain chemistry that can contribute to one’s self-esteem. Significant experiences can take place at home between siblings, or in other relationships outside of school; and many take place at school, relating to academic or social-emotional challenges that are expressed in that environment.

So if a child is bullying others, he may essentially be announcing to his parents and mechanchim that he’s suffering from a low sense of his own value and power. This leads us to the very critical question for parents who want to assist their child: What can be done to address a child suffering from low self-esteem?

One place to start is to look for elements that are detrimental to positive self-esteem, like challenges at school or strained relationships that exist in the family unit or with friends. A parent could also look for ways to increase the child’s positive self-esteem, like highlighting the child’s strengths — enrolling them in a hobby that’s special for them, or finding other ways for the child to shine.

Low self-esteem is not the only cause of bullying. But generally, viewing a bully not as an evil person with nefarious motivations, but rather as a child who is struggling, puts the proper focus on building the child up and providing the needed healthy self-esteem. This will help the child not only avoid bullying but also take on the many challenges and opportunities that life presents.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

It would be irresponsible not to take a look in the mirror and determine how healthy your family dynamic is, no matter how painful that may be.

If you, as a parent, are readily admitting that your child is a bully, that’s cause for great concern. It means that your child is using his position of power, usually social power, to intentionally cause harm to a peer. Not just to gain something for himself, but for the express purpose of hurting someone else.

If you are the parent of such a child, every aspect of that child’s world must be examined. Is bullying always a product of the home or the parenting? Chas v’shalom. However, it would be irresponsible not to take a look in the mirror and determine how healthy your family dynamic is, no matter how painful that may be.

And it can be very painful. It may be something you are unwilling to face, for many reasons. But too often, young children model the behavior of adults in their lives. I’m not in any way accusing or assuming that the child’s parents are the cause of this, but we must make sure that our homes and all the places where our children spend their time, even their classrooms, are being run by adults who are effective and proper role models for our children.

When we have children who struggle with bullying behavior, it’s usually a combination of a tremendous void in their self-esteem and their struggle to be empathic to others. We must consistently supercharge their self-esteem to fill that void and let them be filled with their own self-worth, so they don’t need to take the cheap way out by gaining approval or “respect” by putting others down.

We also must model and teach empathy so they can begin to internalize and feel the pain they are causing. It’s easier said than done. And for parents who know their children struggle, an ounce of prevention goes a long way. Don’t put them in a position at a playdate, among friends, in a situation that lends itself to bad behavior. Set them up for success. Get them the help that they need. Find role models in their life that they look up to.

Solving chronic bullying behavior is a long process, but it’s one you must take. The better the system you set up, the more supervision they have, the better off they’ll be.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1055)