You can choose not to argue

What is an argument? An argument is a set of statements or premises that logically combine to support a particular conclusion. There’s another definition: An argument is an angry or heated exchange of opposite opinions. This unpleasant sort of conversation occurs in the workplace and social arena, but even more commonly, at home. Arguments take place between brothers and sisters, between parents and children, and between spouses.

People argue to be right, to be heard, to “win,” or to get their way. There are even those who argue as a means of distraction from some other issue. But people lead happier, calmer, and healthier lives when they stop arguing altogether.

The Defensive Argument

Wife: It was supposed to be a vacation for both of us! So why was it that I was left looking after the kids, the meals, and the mess while you were outside schmoozing with your buddies the whole time?

Husband: I really resent that! I took care of the boat and cleaned the deck and made sure everyone had all their safety equipment! Where were you when I was doing all that? Schmoozing with your friends on the porch? I’m sick and tired of you accusing me of things every time I sit down to relax for five minutes. You’re not happy unless I’m being your full-time slave!

Wife: Slave! That’s rich! If anyone is a slave around here it’s me, not you! Did you wash your clothes even once in the past five years? Did you blah blah blah blah blah….

The defensive argument is probably the most common form of marital fighting. One spouse makes a complaint and the other complains in return. This classic “attack/counterattack” aims to discount a partner’s original accusation.

It hurts to be accused of doing something wrong. There seems to be some sort of instinct to repel this hurt by deflecting the accusation. Throw your opponent off by accusing them of something (it can even be the same thing they’re accusing you of).

Although a bit of hurt is avoided through the defensive argument (“See, I’m not a bad person because I can prove you’re even worse...”), the fight itself generates far more hurt than the original comment ever could. By the time husband and wife have taken a dozen verbal shots at each other, both are bruised, and their relationship has taken a hit as well.

It would have been much better if the original accusation was just acknowledged with a simple apology (“Sorry, I lost track of time. I shouldn’t have left you like that”).

Similarly, arguments with children leave both parent and child exhausted, frustrated, saddened, and defeated.

Child: Can I go to the park with the Goldbergs? They’re leaving now.

Parent: I’m afraid not. We’re about to have dinner.

Child: I’ll eat when I get back. You can just save some food for me.

Parent: No. This won’t taste good later and you will start asking for cereal and you already had that too many times for dinner so far this week so no, you just can’t go tonight.

Child: I promise I’ll eat my dinner, even if it isn’t good. Pleeeeaaase? They’re waiting for me. I told them I’ll be right there!

Parent: You shouldn’t have told them that. Go tell them you’re sorry but your mother said no.

Child: I can’t tell them that, they’ll be so mad, they’ve already been waiting for ten minutes!

The IDA Rule

Imagine engaging in conversations like that all the time with a particular child who can’t take no for an answer!

For an argument to occur, the parent has to have the same degree of verbal perseverance the child has. If Mom had just stopped talking, there couldn’t have been an argument!

This truth forms the basis of the, “I don’t argue with you” rule (IDA for short). Answer once. Stop talking.

IDA is a commitment to peace. Feeling attacked? Don’t accept the invitation to argue. Apologize or acknowledge. Then stop talking. Asked and answered? Stop talking. It takes two to argue, so if you opt out, there might be a monologue but there won’t be an argument. The biggest prize isn’t being right, gaining the upper hand, getting what you want or saving face. The biggest prize is a home full of peace.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 903)