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y daughter is a great all-around kid just back from seminary and going for a speech therapy degree. She’s not interested in starting to date saying she’d like to get a bit ahead in her schooling and she doesn’t “feel ready.” I remember feeling the same at that age but I’m wondering in today’s shidduch climate do we have that option of leisure time if that means turning twenty without even listening to shidduchim at all? What’s your opinion?

Not Ready

Dear Not Ready

Honestly I wish there was a freezer for girls as well as boys. Coming back from seminary is so overwhelming. You’re expected to know what you want to do when you grow up how you want to do it and preferably already be enrolled in a program or have a job lined up by the time September rolls around.

All this coincides with acclimating to living back at home adjusting from a self-focused year with almost no one to answer to to suddenly being back under your parents’ roof. Everyone expects you to hold on to the spirituality and growth you attained in Eretz Yisrael while simultaneously “living in the real world.” If you go to college or get a job that too brings on a slew of new situations that require acclimation.

For some girls throwing the whole dating thing into the mix is just too much. They may be inspired by what they’ve picked up in seminary but are unsure how it fits their own lives. They may need to make one adjustment at a time. Some girls — sounds like your daughter may be one of them — want to give their all to whatever they do and don’t feel ready to attack everything at once.

The pressure to date right away is tangible and real. If your daughter is not succumbing to it that’s significant. It’s completely normal not to “feel ready” right away and I don’t think you need to pathologize it but I would be curious which part of dating she doesn’t feel ready for. As long as her answer feels healthy I’d respect it.

We sometimes forget that engagement is followed by marriage. And that marriage takes a great deal of work and maturity. When a child tells us directly that she doesn’t feel ready I think it behooves us to listen to her. My guess is that as her friends begin to get engaged she may feel differently.

In terms of your own reaction we need to distinguish between active searching and reasonable hishtadlus. While you may not begin the process of actively meeting shadchanim or sending out her resume I’d certainly keep an open mind. If a shidduch that sounds very applicable comes your way I’d reopen the discussion with her.

But the fear — what of the great fear? I believe you’re wondering whether as the adult here you have an obligation to protect your daughter from herself and her naiveté. I’m not sure at which point exactly we cross the line from fear to “being realistic”— is it when December turns to January when her third friend gets engaged when she seems to be overly engaged in school? I don’t know the formula but I do know there comes a point when as parents we develop a niggling feeling that we should “do something.”

Try to surrender to the process. As long as you’re making reasonable hishtadlus and not pushing away anything that comes to your door allow your daughter to move at her pace. You can’t force her to want something and even wanting it doesn’t guarantee it. Let her come to this decision from within and keep the doors of communication wide open. If she senses that you respect her decision and that you yourself aren’t anxious you’ll be able to comfortably reevaluate every so often or present suggestions as they come.

While your question does not indicate as much I’d like to explore the possibility that your daughter has a fear of getting married. This presents a different dilemma which would require another approach. Keep it tucked in the back of your mind should your daughter show no interest or even less interest with time.

In the meantime take a deep breath. It’s all good. She doesn’t have to do things exactly as the rule book says. When we provide a space for people to develop they fill it with wonderful things. I recently heard a beautiful piece of advice (my apologies that I don’t remember the source): Exchange your worry for requests. Instead of worrying about what you don’t have ask Hashem to give you what you need.

May those tefillos be answered at the right time with a wonderful zivug for your daughter!

Sara

Sara Eisemann LMSW ACSW is a licensed social worker and a columnist for inshidduchim.com. She also lectures on topics related to relationships personal development and growth. She welcomes questions comments feedback and interaction at inshidduchim@mishpacha.com.