“No” can sometimes sound like “yes” to a child. Here’s how to set clear boundaries

“I just don’t know why Ezra doesn’t listen. He does whatever he pleases despite the fact that I tell him very clearly that he’s not allowed to write on the walls or throw his toys around the room. Even though he’s only two I know he understands me perfectly but he just looks at me and does it again. A lot of the time he smiles mischievously as he does it like he knows it’s wrong but also knows that he can do what he wants.”

Toddlers are like that. To some extent they operate outside the rules of society. However it’s the parents’ job to tame and train these little people helping them to become civilized and socialized. But teaching isn’t always easy.

Going for the Long Haul

Human beings take a really long time to grow up. Even at age 20 they are far from formed and their identity can fluctuate wildly over the course of the first decade of adulthood. Therefore parents need to develop tremendous patience. They also need to develop strong positive imaginative skills to counteract their naturally strong negative thoughts and images.

Some people for example assume that their defiant two-year-old will be an impossible eight-year-old and a rebellious 18-year-old. With the fear of “worse to come” looming in front of them they parent their toddler with an intensity that is sure to backfire. A more relaxed parent who assumes that the unpleasantries of toddlerhood are normal and passing is more likely to respond to misbehaviors in ways that help encourage healthy development.

Learning to Set Boundaries

Of course it isn’t only toddlers who need firm and healthy boundaries — school-age children and teenagers also need them. In fact even spouses need them! A person who doesn’t know how to set a boundary will have plenty of negative behavior to deal with. School-age children who don’t know the meaning of “no” can be aggressive rude disobedient messy destructive or otherwise badly behaved. Teens who don’t respond to “no ” may be all of that plus reckless defiant and/or inappropriate. Spouses who don’t respect “no” may cause bankruptcy and many other forms of marital harm.

However when boundaries are not respected it is not only the fault of the boundary-breaker. Often the boundary-setter has an equally large role to play in the subsequent erosion of the lines and fences.

Saying “No” While Sounding “Yes”

One of the most common factors contributing to the failure to establish boundaries is how they are presented. Most people do after all try to set a boundary. Most parents say “no” to a destructive toddler. Often however the way they say “no” is so weak that it comes across more like “No please don’t do that unless of course you really want to.” Facial expression choice of words and particularly tone of voice can all convey a message that’s in direct contradiction to the desire to set a firm boundary.

Women whose voices tend to be higher pitched are especially prone to using a sing-songy tone when trying to redirect young children: “Nooooooooooo please stop doing thaaaaat.” Instead of sounding businesslike they sound a bit too friendly for the occasion. “Stop that right now ” said with a firm stare might be taken more seriously.

Some people confuse the need to be stern with the communication of anger: “Oh he must know that I mean business: I get so frustrated with him that I end up screaming in his face! But he still doesn’t listen!” Actually a child is rarely impressed when his mother screams; she just looks a bit ridiculous like someone who should not be taken seriously. Unless the parent has been violent (not recommended!) the parent’s emotional disintegration signals a loss of power rather than an increase.

Qualities of a Proper “NO” and Other Boundaries

In order to be taken seriously try setting your boundaries using these guidelines:

• Deepen your voice.
• Use few words (aim for 5–9) and get to the point. For instance “You need to stop doing that” or “Please don’t speak to me in that tone of voice” “I need you to cut back on your spending” “You need to finish your homework before you go.”
• Speak slowly and firmly.
• Look directly at the person with a steady gaze.
• Make your boundary the first step of the Two-Times Rule by saying it only once. If the boundary has been crossed say it again with a warning of a specific negative consequence. If the boundary is not respected apply the consequence. Follow this procedure consistently for several weeks. You should find by the end of a month that your efforts to set boundaries are more successful!