How to Get Your Spouse to Diet
One of the best ways to get your spouse to eat well is to stop taking responsibility for their food habits
When “Rabbi Berg” — a middle-aged rabbi in the Five Towns — and his rebbetzin walked into my office for their initial consultation, I could tell right away from the looks on their faces which one of them had initiated the meeting.
“What can I help you with?” I asked, addressing both of them.
Rabbi Berg had a look of deep resignation on his face as he motioned to his wife to answer my question. Rebbetzin Berg, clearly the one who had wanted this meeting, needed no more encouragement to begin.
“Let me give you a little background,” she said. “About three months ago, my husband was knocked down on the sidewalk by a careless boy on an electric scooter. As a result, he suffered a minor head injury. Baruch Hashem, the CT scan showed no brain damage. His doctors recommended only rest and relaxation, which considering my husband’s position, is easier said than done.
“I have to admit that he has been trying to cut back by letting others take over some of his shiurim and limiting his attendance at simchahs. Nevertheless, I’ve noticed a significant change in his personality since his fall. He has been more impatient and irritable at home than he was before. When I reported this to his doctors, they said that such things aren’t unheard of after a head injury. But they did not offer any treatment or medication and simply told me to ‘give it time.’
“So last month, after seeing no improvement, I researched alternative medicine options and I came up with the name of someone in Williamsburg who uses nutritional methods to treat a variety of medical conditions. It wasn’t easy to get an appointment to see him because he has such a busy practice. But we used a little protektziya and got to see him last Thursday. He said he has seen this before and has successfully treated others with similar symptoms by putting them on a strict diet, eliminating certain foods which he feels exacerbate the condition, and adding certain over-the-counter vitamins and dietary supplements.”
I was beginning to wonder how I fit into the picture when the rebbetzin answered my unasked question.
“Enough with the background information,” she said, clearing her throat. “The reason I wanted to meet with you is because my husband says he wants to keep to the diet that will improve his health. But I often catch him cheating, eating the foods he enjoys but that aren’t allowed according to the special diet he’s on. So I want you to give me instructions as to what I can do to make sure that my husband keeps to his diet.”
Encourage
Rebbetzin Berg is not the only wife who wants to know how she can help her husband keep to his diet. Many other wives are desperate to get their spouses to start exercising, stop smoking, get a medical checkup or do anything else that will safeguard and benefit their health. And often they feel they’re up against the brick wall of their spouse’s stubborn refusal, noncompliance, and/or procrastination.
Spouses such as Rebbetzin Berg, who find themselves in this frustrating dilemma, would do well to take a lesson from none other than Yaakov Avinu.
The Torah, in arshas Vayeitzei, recounts how Rochel Imeinu turned to her husband, Yaakov Avinu, and poured out her heart in pain over her childless state, saying that if she won’t have a child, her life isn’t worth living. (Bereishis 30:1)
Yaakov Avinu’s response appears to be anything but empathic. It even sounds defensive, when he asks rhetorically, “Am I in place of Hashem Who has withheld children from you?” (Bereishis 30:2)
The Ramban explains that Yaakov Avinu’s intention was to encourage Rochel Imeinu to invest more in her own tefillos, because he knew that tefillah is most effective when coming from the person in need, rather than coming from someone else on behalf of that person. And as the Ramban points out, his strategy was effective because we find later that Rochel Imeinu’s infertility was reversed by Hashem, “hearing her [tefillos].” (Bereishis 30:22)
What we can learn from this episode is that there are certain things that one spouse can simply not accomplish for the other spouse no matter how much they care for them. Certainly, Yaakov Avinu cared for Rochel Imeinu. The Torah even spells out that he “loved” her. (Bereishis 29:30) Nevertheless, he responded to her complaint about his not davening hard enough for her to conceive (see Rashi on Bereishis 30:1) by directing her to put more into her own davening for herself. Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting others to daven for you. But Yaakov Avinu was teaching Rochel Imeinu — and by extension, all of us — that some things can only be achieved by a person for himself.
Whose Responsibility?
I’m reminded of another couple with whom I worked a number of years ago. “Chaim” and “Esther” came to see me specifically for marital counseling. And one of the main bones of contention between them was Chaim’s weight and what he was and wasn’t doing about it.
Chaim’s doctor had repeatedly warned him that if he didn’t significantly reduce his weight and blood sugar levels he was at a high risk of developing type 2 diabetes. “I don’t want to become a young almanah, but Chaim isn’t being responsible about his diet,” Esther told me.
When it was his turn to speak, Chaim countered with a soft-spoken request that Esther assist him in his struggle by preparing salads and low-calorie lunches for him so he wouldn’t be tempted to reach for Danishes at work.
“I’ve done that countless times,” Esther responded. “But then I find candy bar and potato chip wrappers in the car and I feel like a fool. I just don’t know what else I can do.”
At the next session, Chaim hesitatingly acknowledged, “I know sometimes at the Shabbos table I eat too much challah without thinking. You said last week that you don’t know what you can do to help me. How would you feel about gently reminding me about my diet if you notice me reaching for that extra slice of challah?”
“I’m sick and tired of being your watchdog,” Esther shot back. “I’ve tried that more times than I can count. It never works. I’m simply no longer willing to take responsibility for your diet. You’re just going to have to take responsibility for your own health. It’s your body, your health, and your life. Trying to get me to do it for you just isn’t working. I quit! It’s now up to you!”
To his credit, Chaim got the message. He told Esther that he heard her loud and clear. He would take full charge of his diet. By the time we held our final session a couple of weeks later, Chaim had already lost four pounds. And Esther confirmed that he was well on the way toward making the necessary changes in his eating habits to enable him to reach his goal of losing a total of 30 pounds.
As the case of Chaim and Esther illustrates, one of the best ways to get your spouse to take responsibility for his or her unhealthy behavior is to stop taking responsibility for it yourself.
Both Ways
Of course, wives aren’t the only ones who want their spouses to keep to a diet. Husbands can also try to get their wives to take control of their eating. Consider, for example, the following couple with whom I worked some time ago.
After15 years of marriage and a bunch of children, “Shira” wasn’t as slim as she was when she and “Avi” married. As a result, Avi made a point of mentioning that he would appreciate her going on a diet to lose some of the weight she had gained. Every time he raised this topic for discussion, Shira would become very defensive and angry. In spite of the response he always received from Shira, Avi stubbornly continued bringing up this issue.
Shira perceived Avi’s preoccupation with her eating habits as obsessive. At one point she became so disturbed by Avi’s laser focus on trying to get her to lose weight that she crossed her own self-imposed red line and retaliated with a stinging barrage of fault finding, including sharing her disappointment that he was no longer kovei’a itim. This “taste of his own medicine” left Avi feeling wounded and effectively put an end to his broaching that sensitive subject. He stopped badgering her once and for all. A few months later, Avi managed to pull himself together and returned to his former Daf Yomi shiur.
To Avi’s great and pleasant surprise, he noticed that some time after he stopped nagging her, Shira not only began a new diet, she also succeeded in sticking to it long enough to lose 15 pounds.
And that’s one takeaway from Avi and Shira’s case. Repeated “reminders,” i.e., odious nagging, gets you nowhere. (And sometimes the best way to encourage your spouse to initiate self-improvement is by adhering to the timeless wisdom of Chazal: “Correct yourself [first, and then only] afterward correct others” Bava Metzia 107b.)
Dr. Meir Wikler is an author, psychotherapist, and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Brooklyn, NY, and Lakewood, NJ. He is also a public speaker whose lectures and shiurim are carried on TorahAnytime.com.
(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 940)
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