What does honor look like? Is it the pomp and circumstance we witnessed at the last inauguration of the American president? Is it the nice things people say about the honorees at your local school or shul dinner? Is it the way you’re treated if you can afford to fly first class? In a society in which nothing is sacrosanct and honor can be bought for a price it is no wonder that we have some confusion over the definition of kavod (honor).

Even our Torah sources need to be illuminated if we are to grasp the role of kavod in our lives and relationships. We learn that if you chase kavod it runs away from you. Conversely if you run away from kavod it will chase you. Should we be running towards or running away? Do we want to be caught or not?

We learn in Pirkei Avos (4:28) that jealousy physical desire and honor remove a person from the world. That makes honor seem like something we would want to stay away from. At the same time the Navi (Yeshayahu 43:7) tells us that everything that the One Above created was created for His kavod. That certainly sounds positive. Let’s try to understand the concept of kvod Shamayim honor of Heaven as a key to clarifying the above-mentioned sources.

Our Creator created a world in which His presence is hidden. Through our actions we attempt to demonstrate that He is always here that what is hidden not only exists but also constitutes the true reality. Kavod then reveals what is hidden beneath the surface and allows us to respond to the inner truer dimension of existence. Finding that inner dimension in each aspect of Creation and in every interaction with another person is the way we indicate kvod Shamayim.

At the same time kavod that is external is only a display. A person who is chasing that outward display would by definition be moving himself away from true kavod whereas a person who runs away from any outward manifestation of honor is a person who understands that true kavod is internal. Similarly a person who focuses on external kavod is removed from the olam whose root is the word he’elem hinting to the inner spiritual aspect of the universe.

With this understanding Rav Yechiel Yaakovson shlita teaches that kavod means relating to another person in a way that indicates that he has internal and therefore eternal value. What engenders our respect needs to be the inner spiritual dimension of an individual. For example when a Torah scholar enters the room and we stand for him it is an acknowledgement of the eternal value of the Torah he has learned.

It is important to note that when we give honor we are not saying that the person is perfect. Even great people sometimes make mistakes. If relating to another person hinged on perfection no one on the planet would be deserving of honor. On the other hand if it is about the internal and eternal aspect of the individual since we all have an eternal neshamah it would seem that everyone is worthy of our honor.

Every human being is in need of honor. Honor is an indicator to a person that his life has meaning and substance that he is not simply a passing shadow. If a person feels a lack of kavod in his life the best way to obtain it is by infusing life with greater depth seeking more inner meaning. The worst way to attain it is to seek an external expression of honor devoid of internal growth.

Giving another kavod doesn’t mean we always stand up when they enter the room. It is sometimes as simple as being truly interested in what they have to offer because we appreciate their inner self.

I was once touring the north of Israel with my children. In a place called Tzippori we encountered the remains of a Roman amphitheater carved into the mountain. It was very hot and I plopped down on one of the bleachers to catch my breath. Before I knew it each one of my kids took their turn on what was left of the Roman stage. My high-school-aged daughter performed the lines from Shakespeare that she had learned by heart as a school assignment. My bar mitzvah boy said over his pshetel. My kindergartener sang the songs from her siddur play.

I sat in wonder as the ramification struck me. On the stage of life every person needs an audience in order to perform. When we indicate to someone that she has internal and eternal value we create the space that encourages a child student spouse or client to become the most they can be. When we honor another person we become the audience in anticipation of the performance of the actor.

We sometimes falter in the giving of kavod especially to our nearest and dearest. Often it is because we are right and we feel it is imperative that we make that point. Unfortunately this sometimes results in a caustic or biting comment that cuts the person down. In a relationship with kavod at its core we always try to maintain a vision of the internal value of the person. We give them credit for their intelligence reasoning and discernment whatever may have just transpired.

A woman once shared the following with me. She is married to a highly intelligent man who teaches computer science at a university level. In their community there is a main shul where many community functions take place and it is not unusual for them to drive together to the shul several times a month. As she tells it to get to the shul from their home one takes a left out the door drives till the corner takes another left and drives a short distance to the shul. It would therefore drive her crazy when her husband would take a right out the door and go the “wrong way” to the shul. “He was making a circle and it would drive me nuts ” she said.

As a result many sarcastic comments and even a few insults came out of her mouth on these short rides to the local synagogue until one day she caught herself. What am I doing? she asked herself. This is the person that I value most in the world. He is an intelligent person. How does it hurt me when he goes the “wrong” way? I get to spend an extra minute with the person I love most in the world. For that I am going to demean him?

Kavod is beyond who is right. It is maintaining the vision of the person as an internal as well as external being. Giving a person credit for having a neshamah focuses our view on what is essential while having to be right is about ego.

There are many ways to increase the kavod quotient of a relationship. When you feel a biting comment about to surface don’t just restrain your words; replace them with a positive thought. As in a diet it’s not enough to take the chocolate cake off the counter; you need to have the carrot sticks ready in the fridge. One replacement thought that works for me is the teaching of the Vilna Gaon that for every single moment that a person is chosem piv which means he zips up his mouth before the words escape he will merit to benefit from a hidden light that is unimaginable by any angel or living creature.

A relationship is like a living organism. Honor creates the environment in which it thrives. Before responding to any action try to build in a two-second delay — enough time to ask yourself “Do I want to damage this most important relationship?” We can do damage control afterwards but wouldn’t it be wiser to invest our energies in building rather than fixing?

The Mishnah teaches us “Who is the one who is honorable? The one who honors others” (Pirkei Avos 4:1). The ability to give honor is reflective. If you can identify the kavod in yourself then you can extend it to others. And yet it is a formula as well. Look for what is a reflection of the eternal dimension in others and you will discover it in yourself as well. Giving honor will make you an honorable person.