When drifting off course, it’s time to drop an anchor

“S

o I came a few minutes late and was greeted with hysteria. The kids were yelling that we’re going to be late and it’s all my fault and they can never count on me, stuff like that. It was ridiculous because I’m almost always early, and I got so triggered that I started screaming back at them and then my husband runs down the stairs like the house is on fire and starts his grand inquisition and I’m furious at him for interfering so I tell him to get lost and then I just refuse to get in the car and I tell them that I’m not going now, and everyone is screaming and crying and threatening and I run to my room and slam the door.”

When Things Go Wrong

This busy mother is trying her best to do it all. Inevitably, she fails to achieve perfection. She misplaces an envelope, forgets to return a call, arrives five minutes late — it happens to her, and to everyone else in the world too. Our brains aren’t infallible computers. Our world doesn’t consist of flawless robots. Things happen. And yes, these things can cause us and others frustration.

When Mom shows up five minutes late and the timing is tight to begin with, it’s understandable that the children feel anxious. Few appointments are so unforgiving that five minutes would make a difference — but those events do exist. The curtain may go up whether or not they took their seats, causing them to miss the first act of a play that cost them hundreds of dollars. The plane may take off or the ship may set sail without them.

Why’s Everyone Screaming?

But on most occasions, other than enduring (admittedly unpleasant) stress and anxiety all the way to their destination, no serious consequence will occur. So why is everyone screaming at Mom?

The children are screaming because they’re anxious by nature and because they haven’t been taught to treat their parents with respect. The husband has his own problems. This is the family. Nothing is new; everyone is acting in character. If so, why does Mom have to join the meltdown? Why can’t she hold her own?

Drop an Anchor

Hysteria is contagious. When someone yells at us, we’re likely to retort just as frantically. Loud and shrill voices trigger our fight-or-flight response, releasing a cascade of emergency chemicals into our bloodstream. Our brains reason that something terrible — possibly life-threatening — must be happening if the other person is making this terrible noise. With our sympathetic nervous systems locked in high gear, we deal with the situation aggressively and irrationally.

Our higher faculties are offline as our primitive brains focus exclusively on survival. We’ve got to put out the fire and get out of there. Screaming our own retort and running off is meant to accomplish just that. However, it is a completely unnecessary and destructive strategy in family life.

What we need to do is “drop an anchor.” We need to ground ourselves, slow down, look around and see reality. There is no emergency. There is only a person or a few people making loud noises due to feelings of upset or frustration.

We can keep our balance and restore theirs by pushing our feet down into the floor, grounding ourselves physically and emotionally, and then speaking quietly and briefly. “I believe we can still make it on time. Let’s all just get into the car and get going.”

Say no more. Our response, offered through the parasympathetic (calming) nervous system, rather than through the emergency-based sympathetic nervous system, settles our nerves even as it radiates out, helping settle everyone else’s nerves as well.

The trick in succeeding is to accept the leadership position. When you’re reactive, you lose your higher self, your skills, and your influence. Instead of letting this happen, see yourself as the captain of the family ship. Accept the responsibility of steering that ship safely to shore — don’t leave this task up to anyone else. All eyes and ears are on you; don’t abandon your post!

When anyone in your home is flailing — be it spouse or child — hold the ship steady as if everything depends on you. Because it does.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 615)