“His Yeshivah Has No Idea Who He Is”
| June 17, 2025Search for every ounce of talent and self-expression your child has and help make sure it comes to fruition

Q
My son is a consistently good boy who never ruffles feathers, has friends, and does well enough in school. Lately, I feel like unless he’s a standout in either direction —good or bad — his yeshivah has no idea who he is or what his considerable mailehs are. Should I be resigned to this? Or is there something I can do about it?
Rabbi Ari Schonfeld
WHILE CAMP IS A GREAT PLACE FOR KIDS TO SHINE, WE ARE DOING A DISSERVICE TO OUR CHILDREN IF WE DON'T HELP THEM MAXIMIZE THEIR TALENTS OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR AS WELL.
AS a menahel who is also a camp director, I have seen this narrative play out up close. Throughout the summer, I will invariably speak to parents about their sons and attempt to describe their incredible talents and mailehs. I am so excited to share what we see in camp. However, the response I get too often is a bittersweet one.
“In camp, my son is so happy when he gets recognized for his artistic abilities, but then the school year starts, and he’s back to going unnoticed.”
“The camp choir has done more for my son’s self-esteem than ten months of struggling through Mishnayos.”
“I see the twinkle in my son’s eye as he acts onstage during the color war comedy skit, and I wish his yeshivah had similar opportunities for him to shine.”
“I’m so happy he hit the game-winning three-pointer. I wish he could bottle up that feeling and sprinkle it throughout the year when Gemara tests get him down.”
I once had a counselor approach me on the last night of camp and share something emotional with me. He said he was that “regular guy” back in yeshivah. He wasn’t good enough to be the guy that people came to when they needed help with a sugya, but he was just good enough that the mashgiach left him be. He told me that camp was where all his talents as a counselor, leader, song writer, actor, mud-slider… turned him into a somebody.
He told me with a crack in his voice, “The boost I get in the summer carries me through the whole year.”
If this sounds like a plug for camps in general, so be it. They are a magical place where the kochos and mailehs of kids and adults are maximized and realized.
But donning the hat of a menahel, I’ll say that we are doing a disservice to our children if we don’t figure out a way to help them maximize their talents outside the classroom during the school year as well.
I am not suggesting turning yeshivah into a playground or minicamp. Our yeshivos set standards of academic excellence and environments of real shteiging, and they should continue to. Siyumim are exciting. Midterms and finals are important. Chazarah week and farhers are necessary.
That being said, a good rebbi teaches the Gemara. A special rebbi notices and reaches every aspect of every talmid. Call your son’s rebbi and make sure he knows about all of your son’s talents. A typical school has an honor roll and celebrates academic achievements. A great school celebrates their students’ middos and special qualities as well. Call your menahel before your son performs in the school choir or the Purim play to remind him what it would mean to your son to be given a chance to shine.
And most importantly, you as parents should care for your children and take care of everything they need. Search for every ounce of talent and self-expression your child has and helps make sure it comes to fruition. As the great educator Rick Lavoie once said, “If you’re a mom, and the thing your child knows how to do is use a Phillips screwdriver, then every Thursday before he gets off the bus, you loosen every screw in the house.”
Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and
director of Camp Aish.
Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield
PARENTAL ENGAGEMENT LEADS TO MORE ATTENTION BEING GIVEN TO THE CHILD, HELPING THE REBBI VIEW HIM AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND COUNTERACTING THE "MIDDLE CHILD" EFFECT.
There is no question that a school bears a responsibility to ensure that every child in its care receives a meaningful, inspired, and substantive education. I don’t believe any educational leader today can or would take a different position when it comes to the students under their charge.
There is a real challenge here. Perhaps the most accessible comparison is that of a family unit. Can parents ever say that they have greater responsibility for a particular child over the others? Of course not. And yet, we are familiar with the concept of the “middle child.”
I’m not a middle child myself, so I can’t offer a firsthand account, but my understanding is that while the oldest child often receives special attention, expectations, and a sense of empowerment, and the youngest frequently occupies a unique position of warmth, affection, and indulgence, it is the children in between who sometimes feel less noticed or celebrated.
This doesn’t mean their parents love them any less or feel less responsible for their well-being. It’s simply a dynamic that arises from the realities of family life and birth order. Aware and thoughtful parents often work intentionally to offset this dynamic and ensure that none of their children feel overlooked.
The same phenomenon can exist in schools. Some students may feel like the “middle child.” These children are not the top academic performers, nor are they the ones struggling significantly, but rather are those you describe as “in between.” And these students, too, require intentional effort from educators to ensure they do not go unseen. Great educators understand that every child must be seen, celebrated, and supported.
One of my early mentors, Rabbi Avrohom Kanarek, implemented a practice that left a deep impression on me. He would meet with each of us rebbeim, and using a printed class list, he would go over every talmid one by one to discuss how each was doing. The goal was simple but profound: No child should ever fall through the cracks. When you view each child as an individual, regardless of his placement in the class, you can better appreciate his strengths and see him in the light he deserves.
Now, since you’re approaching this as a parent rather than as a school leader, you obviously cannot facilitate such meetings. However, by proactively engaging with your son’s rebbi and making it clear that you are a thoughtful and involved parent, you can help bring your child more fully into the rebbi’s awareness.
Often, that level of parental engagement naturally leads to more attention being given to the child, helping the rebbi view him as the individual he truly is. In this way, you can help counteract the “middle child” effect and ensure your son feels seen and valued in his school experience.
Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.
(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1066)
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