A Delicate Dance

You’re seeing one thing at home; your child’s teacher is seeing something else entirely at school. How do you get on the same page? As any teacher will tell you, it’s often a delicate dance.

“Dina was a sweet little girl who entered my Pre-1A class with all her peers, yet seemed uncomfortable with any of our activities,” remembers Atara,* a Pre-1A girls’ teacher in the Tristate area. “Dina barely spoke, rarely joined in, and appeared constantly overwhelmed by even the slightest task. She wouldn’t even touch the Play-Doh. I waited a few weeks to raise the alarm bell because sometimes kids just need time to settle into new routines and expectations.”

Come Cheshvan, Dina was still frozen, hesitant, and withdrawn. “I was worried about her development, and secretly feared that if this continued, she wouldn’t be able to proceed to first grade,” says Atara. So she reached out to Dina’s mother to gently explain what she was noticing.

“These calls are always hard,” says Atara. “I started by saying all the positives — how Dina is so sweet and soft and kind to everyone. Then I brought up the challenge: her severe shyness. ‘Is there anything I can do?’ I asked Dina’s mother. ‘What would help her feel more comfortable? What does she like doing at home?’”

Dinas’s mother immediately brushed off Atara’s concerns: “Dina is just shy. She needs time.”

“I didn’t give up because I was really concerned about Dina’s progress and development,” says Atara. “I found out that Dina has an older sister who’s severely autistic, so not only was the mother overwhelmed and not coping well, but she also couldn’t understand what I was saying; compared to her older sister, Dina seemed much more developmentally appropriate.”

Atara tried implementing different methods. “I put extra focus on connecting with Dina, and I tried to help facilitate her playing with other kids. But nothing seemed to work. It was like she was trapped in herself, frozen and unable to relate to those around her.”

Still, Dina’s mother kept insisting it was just a shyness issue. “We had many conversations, and each time, I tried to be nonjudgmental. I just kept stating the facts and repeating my concerns and what I was noticing.”

Things came to a head in December. “Nothing was changing, so I explained in a gentle but firm way that, at this rate, Dina wouldn’t be able to advance to first grade. ‘Dina is missing significant skills and would greatly benefit from a speech and OT evaluation,’ I said, hoping my words would finally sink in.”

They did. Dina’s mother took her daughter for an evaluation and, with the help of an OT, an intervention plan was created to address Dina’s social and emotional skills. “In the end, Dina did have to repeat Pre-1A,” Atara says. “But she did so much better the second time around. She was happy and playing like all the other girls. She learned how to write her name, interact socially, and was able to meet the expectations of the program.”

The way Atara handled Dina’s situation — with consistent communication, concrete facts, and nonjudgmental interactions — is ideal. But sometimes teachers don’t know how to articulate what they’re seeing or how to tactfully express their concerns. Some teachers are simply inexperienced. In these types of situations, parents may need to lead the “delicate dance” to get real answers.

Let’s say, for example, that a teacher states, “Your daughter needs medication.” This is obviously inappropriate and crosses a big red line — your average rebbi or morah is not trained to diagnose behavioral problems. But if they can explain what prompted that remark (and you can keep your cool long enough to hear it), you’ll gain valuable information about your child’s behavior.

Start by asking questions — a lot of them. For example: “Can you share a few examples of what you’re seeing in the classroom that makes you think she needs medication?”

The teacher might respond: “Miri has a hard time sitting still for more than a few minutes during structured activities.” That’s a decent response, but it’s not enough. By the time a teacher addresses a concern with a parent, they’ve likely been seeing red flags for several weeks if not months. Since you want to hear all the “data” they collected about your child, keep the questions coming:

“How often does this happen? Does it happen with every structured activity or just some of them? Is there a time of day when Miri is more likely to have trouble sitting still? What interventions have you tried to address the issue? If so, how did Miri respond? Did you consult with the principal to come up with other strategies? Can I tell you what we do at home when we notice she’s restless? Could you try that and see if it works?”

If the teacher uses a label — “he’s hyperactive” or “he’s anxious” — get to the bottom of it, again asking for concrete details. Simply saying, “Can you give me an example of what you mean by ‘anxious’?” might give you solid clear data like this: “When Levi fills out classwork, he repeatedly asks, ‘Did I do it right?’ and won’t hand anything in until he gets that reassurance.’”

The goal is to gather as much concrete data and clear observations as possible. Don’t be shy about pushing back; you deserve more than a teacher’s “gut feeling” that something is wrong with your child’s behavior. That said, push back respectfully. It’s an uncomfortable truth, but the fact is, schools are generally more motivated to work harder for students with polite, appreciative parents.

The Big Four

You get another call — the school wants to have an in-person meeting about your child’s behavior or performance. You know what’s coming: They’re likely going to recommend specific interventions or evaluations.

“As parents, we tend to look at our children as an extension of ourselves and therefore any concern that gets brought up by the school can feel like an attack,” says Mrs. Chaya Sarah Licht, principal of grades 1–4 at Yeshiva K’tana of Lakewood. “It can help to take a step back: Imagine this isn’t your biological child, but a foster child you’re raising out of pure kindness. You’d be open to hearing about their struggles and eager to help, without taking it personally. This type of reframe can help you go from furious to curious. Because the truth is, our children are really Hashem’s — we’re just caring for them. When a school raises concerns, it’s not an attack — it’s an opportunity to do chesed and help His child become the best they can be.”

Figuring out what’s behind a child’s behavior or performance is like solving a complex puzzle. There are many moving pieces — school input, home dynamics, emotional factors, developmental stages — and no single perspective gives the full picture. That’s why collaboration is so vital; parents, teachers, and professionals each hold a different piece of the puzzle. “I learned from my mentor, Mrs. Gutwein a”h, the legendary NYC Department of Education supervisor, how to speak to principals who are insisting that there’s a problem with a child, and are recommending a tougher or more restrictive approach. She’d tell them, ‘You might be right, you’re just not right yet.’ It takes time to put all the pieces together,” says Mrs. Fertig.

Since you’re seeing things from one vantage point (with all your biases and limitations) and the school is seeing things from their vantage point (with all their biases and limitations), it can help to loop a professional into the process if there’s a more serious issue at play. Aside from being an impartial third party, a professional can help determine where normal ends and clinical begins. (See sidebar on how to find a qualified specialist.)

Most diagnoses for struggling students today fall into four main categories: ADHD, learning disabilities (often dyslexia), autism, and anxiety. For a diagnosis to be accurate, the issue must show up in more than one setting (e.g., home, school, etc.) and check off enough markers to be considered clinically significant.

What’s fascinating is how a diagnosis can show up differently at home and in the classroom. For example, when ADHD is suspected, a child might appear restless, talkative, and impulsive at school — classic signs of hyperactivity. At home, though, the main concern might be forgetfulness, disorganization, or daydreaming, which are traits tied to inattention. Even though the behaviors look different, both fall under the umbrella of ADHD. Since they show up in two settings, they strengthen the case for diagnosis.

That said, precisely because they look so different at home and in school, it can be hard for parents and teachers to get on the same page. “I remember one student, Sarala, who was a seven-year-old whirlwind of energy,” says Faigy,  a special ed coordinator in several schools. “She could hardly sit still in class. She would dart from desk to desk, interrupting lessons every few seconds. Since she rarely finished assignments, she was falling behind; her teachers were exasperated. I knew we needed to put support in place quickly, so I contacted her parents to get them on board.”

Faigy got immediate pushback. “When I spoke to Sarala’s mother — a high-powered accountant who also ran a home business at night — she told me, ‘I was like that as a kid and I turned out fine. Besides, at home, Sarala is a social ball of energy. She just planned a tzedakah carnival and she’s always dreaming up something new.’”

The personal detail that Sarala’s mother shared — “I was just like that as a kid” — didn’t surprise Faigy. “Learning disabilities and ADHD, for instance, have roughly a fifty percent hereditary link. If a parent has one of these, it’s highly likely their child will, too. Anxiety and autism also tend to cluster in families. Being aware of your own history is helpful — especially when it comes to early markers. Dyslexia, for instance, has signs as early as preschool.”

Ultimately, Sarala’s mother did agree to an evaluation after Faigy piqued her curiosity: “‘Look,’ I gently said to her, ‘ADHD can show up differently in different settings, even though it’s all part of the same underlying challenge. At school, Sarala seems restless, impulsive, and talkative. At home, are you noticing forgetfulness, disorganization, or daydreaming?’” The answer was a clear yes and it was enough to get the ball rolling.

Most classroom struggles are caused by common issues like ADHD or anxiety. But it’s important to rule out a possible physical cause. An unfocused child, for example, might be suffering from sleep apnea or a thyroid imbalance. A child with reading difficulties might have mild hearing loss. Fluid in the ears, for instance, affects phonological awareness — a key building block of reading.

The Gap Between Diagnosis and Treatment

You’ll notice a trend: When schools spot a problem, they want to jump on it and get intervention started — immediately. There’s a reason for this.

“Spotting issues early can make a huge difference to the long-term success of a child,” says Mrs. Rivky Wolf, director of the preschool division of Hebrew Academy Cleveland. “When children’s brains are developing, they’re the most open to learning, growth, and forming new neural connections. Intervening during this critical window allows the specialized professional to align and lay the foundation for proper cognitive, emotional, and social development. The earlier we identify and address challenges, the greater the chance we have to equip a child with the tools they need to thrive — not just in school, but in life.”

Reading delays, in particular, are the easiest to tackle when a child is young, and they can often be resolved before they snowball into more serious academic problems. “Reading is the foundation for so many other subjects in school — so when a child struggles to read, his whole day is affected. The shame is compounded when the student gets older and still can’t read like his peers,” says Mrs. Licht. “A child who struggles with reading won’t be able to attain this essential lifelong skill on his own. That’s why it’s so important to get support early.”

Though sooner may be better than later, parents should give a thorough and thoughtful cost-versus-benefit analysis before starting any intervention. For example, every time a child is pulled for therapy or extra support, they’re missing out on something else. If it’s during school hours, they may fall further behind in class. If it’s after school, they’re losing precious downtime, which struggling students often need most. Endless intervention can also send the child a message that her natural strengths — her personality, social strengths, and overall goodness — aren’t enough.

Of all the interventions schools may recommend, medication is the one that makes parents most uncomfortable. “Schools may suggest medication more quickly than parents expect, not out of harshness, but because they see disruptive behaviors firsthand on a daily basis,” says Mrs. Fertig. “They see how it affects the classroom and the child’s social dynamics. Their recommendation is often rooted in wanting to help the child thrive, and give every student room to grow.

“Listen, in an ideal world, children would attend schools perfectly tailored to their learning styles, staffed by endlessly patient teachers, and supported by parents with boundless emotional bandwidth,” Mrs. Fertig continues. “In that world, fewer students might need medication. But the reality is that we don’t live in that world. Sometimes, a child’s challenges are so significant that even the most well-meaning adults can be constantly correcting, disciplining, or scolding. Parents are exhausted. Teachers are frustrated. And the child? He’s receiving a steady stream of negative feedback wherever he goes. We must remember that children need to live with the adults who have to live with them.” 

When a child’s behavior is taking a toll on their self-worth and relationships, medication may be the most compassionate option. It doesn’t solve everything, but it can create space for success, helping a child function better and feel better about themselves. “Generally, issues don’t stay shoved under a rug forever,” Mrs. Licht adds. “They end up mushrooming, ballooning, and exploding later on.”

And yet… what if you don’t agree with the school’s analysis of your child’s situation? What if you don’t think medication is the solution? Or what if you want to try an intervention plan that differs from the school’s preferred approach? That’s when things can get tricky.

“For years, the school insisted my son needed medication,” Hadar shares. “We resisted for a long time — he was so little! But eventually we caved and did a trial run. My son was so lethargic on the meds that he could barely function. We took him back and forth to the doctor to adjust the dosage, but after six months, we gave up. The medicine wasn’t helping — it was making things worse. So we took him off entirely… without telling the school. His energy improved and so did his behavior. Does he still have issues? Yes. But medication isn’t going to solve them.”

Hadar admits that she still hasn’t figured out what will help her son. “I can’t talk it out with the school, though, because they’re stuck on the medication track. So now my husband and I are trying to wing this alone, researching resources for my son’s unique profile.”

In Shira’s case, she agreed with the school that her son Yitzy needed behavioral help, but she wasn’t sure their recommendation of therapy was the right way to go. “My husband and I spoke about the issue at length and decided on a compromise: Instead of throwing out the school’s suggestion completely, we’d agree to part of the school’s plan. We told them, ‘We’re not committing to once-a-week therapy for a year, but how about this: We’ll take Yitzy for six to eight sessions with someone we both trust. Then, we’ll reevaluate Yitzy’s needs together.”

As for Batsheva and her daughter Rivky — well, by the time she hit her fifth year of tutors, she decided she’d had enough. “At a school event, I confided in another mother that we were spending a fortune on outside academic support and her response shocked me: ‘Welcome to the club.’ The school was pressuring half the class to become honors-level students! Half of the parents were being pushed to spend beyond their means — and push their children past their limits — all in pursuit of an unrealistic academic ideal. That’s when it hit me. This wasn’t about my daughter being at the bottom of the class. This was about the school not being okay with anyone at the bottom.”

If you’re stuck in a tug-of-war with the school, it pays to bring in a third party, like a trusted educational consultant, therapist, or evaluator. Sometimes, they can say the same thing a parent has been saying, but in a way the school is more willing to hear. In Batsheva’s case, having another voice at the table shifted the conversation from, “How do we make this child fit the mold?” to “How can we support who she actually is?”

There are, unfortunately, instances where the school and parents are unable to get on the same page to find a successful intervention for a child. But these cases are the outliers. “I’ve worked with so many families who were able to work through differences of opinions to find a happy compromise,” says Mrs. Fertig.

Healthy communication between parents and the school pays huge dividends, says Mrs. Jacobs. “With my son Eli, the plan was to start individualized tutoring at school for his dyslexia, followed by consistent reading practice at home, and regular communication with the teacher. With strong school-parent collaboration, our son’s reading slowly became functional. I can’t say he loves school now,” Mrs. Jacobs laughs, “but his confidence has definitely improved.” Ff

7 Questions to Ask Before You Hire a Specialist 

Not everyone with a confident title has the training to back it up. So before you shell out money for a tutor, kriah specialist, therapist, or coach, consider asking these questions:

1. What are your credentials? (Degrees, certifications, supervised training — be specific. Anyone and their neighbor can be a “coach” today.)
2. What’s your background in this area? (Years of experience? Types of children you’ve worked with?)
3. Can I speak to past clients? (Just remember: Most people only refer to professionals they like. Don’t be afraid to dig deeper.)
4. What methods do you use — and why? Are your methods backed by research? (Do they follow evidence-based practices or just what feels “right” to them?)
5. How do you track progress? Do you have any tracked data? (A professional should have a plan and metrics — not just “we’ll see.” You’re definitely paying them enough money to ask for this!)
6. How do you define success, and what results do you usually see? (What changes should I expect to notice, and over what time frame?)
7. How do you communicate with parents and schools? (Good professionals see themselves as part of a team — not working in isolation.)

Bayla Geberer, MA Ed. is an educational consultant in Cleveland, OH. She can be contacted through Mishpacha.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 977)