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arried couples are exquisitely tuned into each other. Each word each facial expression the subtle changes in voice and posture... these all convey worlds of information. Of course there is the spoken message and its meaning (“Please be nice to the waiter”) but there’s always the unspoken message as well (“Because I remember all the times you’ve embarrassed me in public and that has ruined some very important occasions so you better just order the food eat it and smile or you and I are going to have a big fight when we get home”).

Trying to Connect

In all communications the couple is first and foremost silently monitoring their moment-by-moment connection: “Are we good?” The smallest provocation triggers a huge racket. “I said ‘hello’ when I walked into the den where he was working and he just grunted. What was that about?”

From there it can go anywhere. “All I want is a pleasant greeting. Is that too much to ask for? I should get a divorce....”

Of course where it goes depends on the life history and personality of the offended person. But how one might wonder does a grunt lead to thoughts of divorce?

Therapist: What happens for you when he gives that grunt?

Wife: It means he just doesn’t care. He can’t be bothered to look at me.

Therapist: Does your husband have positive feelings toward you?

Wife: Yes.

Therapist: How do you know?

Wife: He does a lot for me he tells me he loves me he buys me gifts he worries about me.

Therapist: So he loves you but he’s not great at greetings.

Wife: But I deserve to be greeted nicely! No one ever said hello when I walked in the house as a child. I might as well have been invisible. I’m not going to live like that the rest of my life!

Therapist: So when your husband doesn’t greet you it feels the same as you felt when you were little when no one paid any attention to you. It’s an awful unloved feeling.

Wife: Yes! But now that I think about it I know he really loves me. He’s just really bad at saying hello when he’s in the middle of something else.

Bingo.

Bouncing Off Each Other

While it’s wonderful that this wife now realizes that she might have misinterpreted her husband’s nonverbal communication it’s typically a bit late. As her husband explains: “So she starts hurling insults at me and stomps out of the room and I think to myself Here we go again. What did I do now? She’s just never happy.”

The problem here again lies in the disconnect. His wife has clearly withdrawn from him leaving him out in the cold — and in the doghouse as well. He wants to be close to her but has accidentally alienated her by hurting her feelings.

This distance is the last thing each wants; indeed both husband and wife crave the feeling of secure attachment. This is what causes both of them to vigilantly scan each communication to ensure that it’s there. Ironically the scan often leads to false negatives — signals that are taken to mean deep rejection when they actually mean something else entirely.

Therapist: So you heard your wife explain what your grunt means to her. Did you know that?

Husband: No but it makes sense. I know what her childhood was like.

Therapist: What do you think she needs from you?

Husband: She probably needs me to improve my greetings.

Therapist: Would you be willing to work on that?

Husband: Of course. But I want her to work on something too. I want her to just tell me she’s hurt instead of attacking me.

Therapist (to wife): Would you be willing to tell him what you want more calmly and respectfully?

Wife: Yes I’ll try.

Therapist: Good. Because I see that you’re both good people who really love each other and want to feel connected. When you feel disconnected try to remember that your spouse is a good person who loves you and address the issue from that vantage point.

The alarm of a perceived disconnect often leads to an ever-larger cycle of disconnects. Remembering that your spouse craves closeness with you can help prevent unnecessary pain while you negotiate the normal issues of marriage. When you’re scanning for the state of connection scan for the love that’s there as well.