Focus on the future you can still create

P

eople can read our minds — and, more importantly, our hearts. When we are having negative thoughts and feelings about someone, that person gets the message. No words or actions have to take place.

That’s not to say that there aren’t any words or actions. Thoughts and feelings affect the body at the micro level, resulting in communications characterized by “informed” vocal cords, minute facial expressions, and even the light in one’s eyes. (Negativity actually tightens muscles and impedes the flow of energy in the body, affecting every metabolic process inside of us in unhealthy ways — but that’s a personal problem, rather than an interpersonal one.) The result of these micro-alterations is that when we are with someone we feel negatively about, that person can actually see as well as feel our judgment, rejection, and dislike — even when we’re carefully trying to hide it.

Reflected Hearts

We may be really good at “putting on a show” — offering huge smiles, warm words, treats, and even hugs to someone we don’t particularly care for — but that person feels the underlying negativity we have toward her. As Shlomo Hamelech so succinctly puts it: “Just as water reflects a face, so does the heart of one person reflect that of another” (Mishlei 27:19). What we feel deep inside is received by those outside of us — and reflected back to us.

When encountering perfect strangers, we find plenty of reasons to reject them. The person’s facial expression, voice, body language, clothing, scent, ethnicity, financial signals, similarity or dissimilarity to ourselves or to others we’ve known, along with the vibes this person sends to us through his or her thoughts and feelings, are all filed and responded to within nanoseconds. Sometimes it’s a sort of “love at first sight,” but more often, it’s “there’s something about you I’m not totally approving of.”

With People We Know Well

As we get to know people better and better, we often find more and more to dislike. Our brain works this way even with our loved ones. People we know well present greater challenges.

In addition to everything being processed in the moment, information from our past history with the person also factors in. When a manipulative child asks to borrow 20 dollars, his life history is factored in, along with his facial expression, choice of words, posture, etc. If he’s been deceptive in the past, our entire body will register this fact: Our muscles tense, our throat closes, our eyes harden, our mind freezes, and so many other processes occur — all before we’ve opened our mouths to answer.

It’s hard to feel positively toward people with a bad track record (even if they’ve repaired their ways). And yet, Hashem disapproves of our disapproving tendencies. They may be “natural,” but it’s our obligation to change them. We need to develop the kind of good eye that allows us to feel positively toward others.

 Creating the Future

The past is past and the present is right now. The future depends on us. Our thoughts and feelings interact with outside factors to create whatever will unfold. All of this is arranged by Hashem, Who is, as Dovid Hamelech states, “a shadow at our right hand” (Tehillim 121). He allows us to be co-creators in our destinies, arranging events for us according to our own thoughts and feelings.

When we put our attention on what is right in our lives, and right in the people in our lives, more “right” will manifest in both. When you look for and then concentrate on the goodness in a person, that goodness will expand; the person will actually become better.

It is obvious then that, in addition to monitoring our behavior for best results in our relationships, we should also carefully monitor our thoughts. Everyone has faults and weak points. Instead of allowing our thoughts to dwell on what is missing (“I’m miserable because my husband isn’t a ‘spiritual’ person”), we should focus attention on what is present (“I’m grateful for a man who is devoted to me and the children, who makes a Jewish home with me, who supports the family with his hard work, who is good to my parents”). When we focus our attention on the good, we’ll get more of it — that’s the system Hashem designed.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 590)