Surprisingly, I was not turned off from this inauspicious initiation to the world of healthiness. I’ve become a bit of… of a health nut. Yeah, I’m annoying.

More specifically, I’m trying to be a healthy nut. The problem is that science keeps coming out with yet another study debunking all the previous studies; misinformation is rife; no one knows what to believe. It’s exhausting. (To stave off potential hate mail, my kids are vaccinated. Although probably now there will be hate mail from the opposite side.)

In my zealous youth, I purchased herbs, pills, and powders, all not under FDA oversight, since the FDA doesn’t bother with optional supplements. When turmeric gained traction, I acquired capsules of the stuff, only to learn that (1) it can be high in lead and (2) turmeric is fat-soluble, so chugging it down with water means the body won’t process it.

When we married, Husband brought a Vitamix into our union. With this magnificent beast of a blender, he made me smoothies. He popped in bananas, protein powder, kefir, ground flaxseed, almond milk, and frozen strawberries, and out came pureed deliciousness. I happily slurped it down, smug in my health nut-keit, until I stumbled across a study saying the enzymes in bananas degrade the antioxidant polyphenols in berries. Stupid science. I’m still making and enjoying smoothies anyway. Berries have other good stuff in there.

Then there are the products I bought because they were supposedly “healthier,” like pine tar shampoo, African black soap, Aztec clay face masks, etc. But I learned that there is a limit to what natural products can do, and I’ve slowly reverted to the standard drugstore offerings. Jojoba oil makes my skin break out; Cetaphil lotion it is. But Husband loves a “natural” product too, so he’s the one getting disappointed by shea butter nowadays.

When my thyroid began to misbehave, I started munching on Brazil nuts, since the high selenium content is supposed to be helpful. Then I tripped over claims that unless nuts are soaked, the body can’t absorb the nutrients. Sigh. Sometimes I soak the nuts, sometimes I can’t be bothered. I munch anyway and hope for the best.

Then there’s coconut. Since I don’t like coconut, I was nervous that I was missing out on all the “healthy” coconut options. Coconut water! Coconut aminos! Coconut oil! Coconut cream! Coconut flour! Coconut milk! Coconut flakes! The way it’s marketed, coconut will save humanity. I was therefore quite relieved when science declared coconut oil high in saturated fat, akin to any other “unhealthy” animal fat. Phew. Science has validated me, for once.

The jury is still out on oats. According to some, oats are beneficial, nutritious, the best thing for you, etc. etc., while the other side insists oats are horrific, detrimental, the worst thing for you, etc., etc. I’ve decided to stay loyal, in the meantime.

After I mastered sourdough — whole wheat sourdough, because I’m obnoxious — I was at the top of the heap. With a blare of trumpets, I crowned myself Queen of Nuttiness! Yet I was swiftly out-nuttied by another, who insisted that wheat — even fermented wheat — is compromising my children’s health. Along with dairy.

I’m no match for the gluten- and dairy-free. They also bear sufficient studies claiming that grain and milk is the poison of the masses, although a quick search on my part found rebutting studies to their studies. There are lots of contradictory studies.

I’ve tried making my case, but you know there’s no arguing with a health nut. Our kind is immune to debate.

I’m trying my best to be healthy here, people, but you, Science, keep changing your mind! Please tell me you’re sure about sugar. Because if not, my kids will be complaining to their future therapist about how their health nut mother ruined their childhood!

Well, I haven’t gone to a therapist about the skim milk, so maybe there’s still hope for our relationship.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 903)