You've suffered in the past but today can be different

We live life one day at a time. We lived Wednesday last Wednesday. Then we lived Thursday then Friday. We're doing it this week too. Yet somehow all these single days with all their events and their feelings become a total record of our life. They all tumble upon one another creating a collage of meaning and history. And we draw upon the story again today as soon as we open our eyes and thank Hashem for returning our soul.

Will it be a good day today? We hope so. But there's the story pulsating in every cell of our body running circuits in every wire of our brain. Today's experience draws heavily on that story coloring our interpretation of events and informing all of our decisions.

The Pain of the Past

Our ability to have a good day depends to a large extent on our beliefs the ingrained conclusions we've made based on our interpretations of our experiences. For example Aliza's mother was a cold withdrawn person. Aliza too little to understand anything about mental health disorders concluded that her mother's lack of affection toward her meant that she was unlovable.

Over 20 developmental years rejection after rejection gave Aliza ample opportunity to affirm and validate her conclusion that she must be deficient. The idea formed in Aliza's earliest years and reinforced thereafter was of course a horrible mistake. There was nothing wrong at all with Aliza but there was plenty wrong with her mother. The facts of the matter became rather irrelevant unfortunately as the child grew into a self-loathing adult.

The Pain of the Present

Aliza's insecurities and low self-esteem followed her into marriage where they were repeatedly triggered by her husband. Shimon was didn't always know the right things to say and do within the marital context. Sometimes he'd walk in the house without saying hello triggering in his wife the certainty that she wasn't worth saying hello to that she was in fact just as worthless as her mother had always implied.

Sometimes Shimon would get frustrated with Aliza -- usually when he was tired overworked and overwhelmed. He hadn't learned to handle his negative feelings appropriately and so would occasionally resort to raising his voice or making ugly faces when he felt hurt or insulted. His disgust would trigger Aliza's deep well of unlovableness and she would feel utterly dejected and brokenhearted. She was unable to help herself or her husband trapped as she was in the grasp of the past.

Making Today and Tomorrow Better

There are many roads to healing. A professional therapist could help Aliza unravel the history of her emotional pain using a variety of therapeutic interventions. Therapy could also help restructure the inner world so that Aliza becomes more confident and resilient. From this kind of position Aliza can help both herself and her husband do so much better.

But therapy isn't always an option. Fortunately there are many roads to healing. Here is an interesting one to experiment with: reprogramming the inner world. Here's how.

• Before getting out of bed in the morning rest another few minutes with eyes closed. Sink into a deeper state of relaxation by counting slowly down from tento one. Breathe slowly.
• Picture yourself on an imaginary movie screen in front of you. Notice your emotional state.
• With eyes still closed look a little toward the left to see another movie screen. Run a movie on this screen showing the events of today as you'd like them to unfold. Make it realistic but as pleasant as possible.
• Enjoy the positive movie for a couple of minutes.Take a deep breath in and out and slowly open your eyes. Repeat this process at the beginning of every day.
• Notice how your day unfolds.

What can this simple process accomplish? It can help make today better. Try it yourself for a month and see what happens to the quality of your life. Each good day builds new neural pathways in the brain helping form a new history that begins to alter experiences expectations and beliefs. The positive cycle feeds upon itself leading to the kind of confident positive worldview that builds a more resilient and happy brain regardless of the inevitable challenges of life.

Even if the earlier days of one's life were filled with suffering one is certainly entitled to have a good day today.