It seems like yesterday that I was a newlywed teaching second grade atBethTefillahCommunitySchoolinBaltimore. My youth coupled with my students’ innocence infused our classroom with enthusiasm. Yet despite my spirit — fresh from seminary — and my students’ eagerness to learn and embrace Yiddishkeit the following situation taught me the true powers at work in my classroom.

Michael was a sweet earnest boy who came from a wholesome and traditional family. Steven was an only child whose parents had gone through a recent ugly divorce. His father drove fast cars and his mother wore the highest-end brand-name jeans.

Steven walked into school one morning wearing very cool black jeans with a white T- shirt neatly tucked in. He clearly represented a mini-male mirror of his mom’s look. Michael showed up in a crisp button-down shirt that his mother probably ironed and lovingly laid out for him the night before. At some point during morning brachos I noticed that Michael had unbuttoned his shirt and was standing a bit insecurely in his undershirt.

I went up to him and softly queried “Michoel Chaim?” (I used their Hebrew names.) “Why did you take off your shirt? It’s not nice to daven in your undershirt.”

“But look at Steven” was his response. “He’s dressed like this too!”

Your Peer is Everywhere

Peer pressure is a natural force in the social world. It affects children as soon they are aware of their position within a larger social sphere. “When we think of peer pressure we think of teenagers and the reasons they start smoking or drinking” says Daniel Haun of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology inLeipzigGermany. However this influence is clearly at work even in early childhood development. Haun experimented by observing toddlers on the beach and watching them mimic crowd actions. “We don’t necessarily think of two-year-olds as being under peer pressure. But it turns out they are.”

As part of a technical generation we’re constantly swamped by an avalanche of peer pressure within the media advertising and retail systems. Consider the subliminal messages in slogans ads and such: “Everybody’s wearing blue — what about you?” Imagine the actions and reactions that are guaranteed from this onslaught of persuasion.

Peer pressure is not confined to negative forces. It’s an incentive that can encourage others to adopt greater shmiras hamitzvos middos tovos and higher diligence in all valuable pursuits.

Our chinuch system often uses peer pressure as a motivator to encourage children to succeed. Consider the power of “mitzvah notes” Mishnayos contests and chesed programs. As our children grow the yeshivah system based on chavrusa and group learning is a prime example of the positive influence of peer pressure.

Yet despite its incredible potential for motivation it behooves us to be alert to the latent power of negative influence that lurks within every social relationship. Peer pressure can be the force that leads people to become more lax in shmiras hamitzvos transgressing serious aveiros and even participating in uncharacteristic behaviors that are both physically and emotionally dangerous.

The threat that lurks within peer pressure is potent and powerful.

Micro or Macro?

Rav Eliyahu Dessler offers a mashal in Michtav MeEliyahu that vividly illustrates the pernicious effect of negative influences. Just as a perfectly healthy body can become infected even from the smallest cut in the skin so too can the neshamah become easily diseased from the tiniest flaw in yiras Hashem.

Within the balance of positive versus negative influences the danger from small detractions outweighs the desire to succeed. The Gemara (Kiddushin 30b) states that the yetzer hara wages a daily battle with a person and tries to overcome him.

Rav Avraham Kohn of Toronto shares two practical examples shared by his father that portray the unequal balance of good against bad: If you rub a clean shirt against a muddy one you won’t succeed in cleaning the sullied shirt — rather the clean one becomes dirty. Likewise if a person harboring a virus shares a glass of water with a healthy person the ill man does not become inoculated against the virus — instead he infects his friend!

The power of negative influence is illustrated throughout the Torah.

Avraham Avinu separated from Lot when he felt he was a bad influence and Yaakov insisted his family live inGoshen— insulated from Egyptian society. Furthermore the episodes of Cheit HaEgel and Korach are clear displays how small groups or even an individual can influence the masses to self-destruct.

For this reason as we conclude our morning brachos we plead with Hashem: “Do not let the yetzer hara rule over us!” followed by “Distance us from a bad person and a bad friend.” Rav Shimon Schwab in his beautiful commentary on tefillah states that anyone in a person’s life has the potential to be a detrimental influence. It can be a stranger an associate or even someone whom we consider a beloved friend.

It’s interesting to focus on the terminology of the words in the brachah “a bad friend.” Isn’t this an oxymoron? By definition a friend is someone we like — someone good. However it’s essential to keep in mind that many people may present themselves as “friends.” They may act as if they are looking out for our good and often truly believe they have altruistic motives. However perhaps because of their own inner struggles they may expose us to ideas and experiences that are detrimental to our spiritual and emotional health. On a more extreme level a friend may present himself as caring but is intentionally looking to lead us to a spiritual demise.

A Friend In Deed

So what is the value of a friend? And how do we rate our friendships?

The Gemara (Taanis 23a) relates that Choni HaM’agel called out to Hashem: “O chavrusa o misusa — Either I have a friend or I die.” In the mishnah in Avos (1:6) we are cautioned to “purchase” a good friend at all costs. Let’s take a look at the friends we have “purchased.” Are we losing profits on our investment or reaping the rewards?

In today’s social communications the world has cheapened the value of a friend by defining friendship as those who click in and out of our cyber world dropping empty and meaningless lines. Furthermore the relationships that crop up within such parameters can be filled with superficial competition.

In contrast Rav Wolbe describes the characteristics of a “chaver tov” based on the pasuk in Yishayahu (41:6): “A man should help out his friend and to his brother he should say ‘chazak!’$$$SEPARATE QUOTES$$$” By this definition a friend is one who strengthens us. On a basic level such assistance is physical: time energy or resources. On a deeper more fundamental level “chazak!” is not describing physical strength but emotional and spiritual support. Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz in his Sichos Mussar on Parshas Korach ascribes the characteristic of a good friend as one willing to risk alienating the friendship by giving mussar for spiritual encouragement.

Rav Avraham Schorr in his Lekach V’Halibuv further enforces that a good friend is the only true protection from bad influences.

It’s these positive relationships that form a barrier to protect us from the insidious forces of peer pressure that threaten constantly to ensnare us. Yet is that enough? Are we insulted as a community secure as individuals against this ongoing onslaught? Our next article we will explore more options available to turn the tide against the towering pillar of peer pressure.