What parents should look for, Mrs. Ben Haim continues, is the manner in which the changes are being made. “If your daughter is content and happy, at ease with herself, that’s fine and good. But if she seems anxious or pressured about the changes she’s made, keep a close eye on her to make sure her chumrot are coming from a place of health. If they’re not, get her help. But if the changes are healthy, support her, and respect her growth. Let her spread her wings.”

Rabbi Shimon Kurland, of Darchei Binah seminary, echoes this opinion. “Our girls are so sincere and dedicated. It’s hard for them to transition back into American culture, which has become alien to them with its emphasis on image and financial success. Give them a chance. Let them know you’re proud of the work they’ve done.”

And make sure your own biases aren’t poisoning your perspective. “I had a student once whose parents were concerned that she had moved too ‘far to the right,’” remembers Rabbi Kurland. “The mother was afraid that her daughter had become too picky about shidduchim, was looking too dowdy, and in general had become an extremist. I consulted with my faculty and none of us thought the girl was off balance. In time, the parents realized that this was the direction their daughter wished to go in life, and today she is happily married to a serious learner.”

Don’t Use a Bat

Just because a girl decides to revamp her spiritual life, it doesn’t mean she has to shove her new beliefs on her nearest and dearest. As Rabbi Kurland quips, “It’s all in the presentation. When girls become ‘frummer’ but are not strident about it, it makes all the difference in the world to their parents. I always tell my students, you can stop watching TV, but don’t take a baseball bat to the flat screen in the living room.” Discretion and sensitivity can go a long way in helping parents see that their seminary grad is still the daughter they know and love.

“The transition is a lot easier,” adds Mrs. Ben Haim, “if both parent and child learn to communicate effectively.”

Mrs. Schoonmaker describes this kind of dialogue as “win-win communication,” in which both sides present what is important to them, and each side tries to accommodate the other. “Instead of saying we are polar opposites who can never find common ground, the point is to see how much we can come together,” she explains.

Getting there, however, is easier said than done. “It is dependent on two premises: that the parents have a legitimate point of view, which the daughter needs to consider seriously, and that the daughter is now a fully grown adult whose opinions and aspirations are legitimate, too,” says Mrs. Schoonmaker.

Compounding the tension on a daughter’s side can also be that, for an entire year in seminary, she was treated as an adult. Her teachers regularly engaged her in deep and meaningful learning and discussion of life issues. So if her newfound beliefs are dismissed as “yet another phase” by parents, it can naturally trigger a lot of resentment. And in that heated emotional state, there’s often little thought given to tactful communication.

Adina, for one, admits she could’ve handled things better. In truth, she wasn’t prepared for what kind of problems might arise. “My seminary teachers taught us what was right, but I don’t remember them preparing us for the difficulties we might face back at home.”

This, in Rabbi Kurland’s opinion, is a big mistake. “We warn the parents: ‘Beware! We will inspire your daughter!’ We try to put our students in a bubble of spirituality that we hope will last a lifetime — but we also spend a lot of class time discussing how to go back peacefully and not burn down the house in the process. We discuss the difference between halachah and chumrah — where they can be flexible and where they can’t.”

Mrs. Schwartz confides that better communication would have made a big difference. “It would’ve been a much easier transition had Adina been more open about the changes she was making as they happened during the seminary year. I would’ve been more prepared, more able to understand her viewpoint.”

Open communication would have helped after she came home, too. There was, for instance, the time Adina quit a job because the environment wasn’t one she felt comfortable with. Her mother would have appreciated if a conversation had preceded her daughter’s decision.

Finding a middle way in these types of complicated situations is vital, explains Mrs. Ben Haim. “I remember a situation with one of my talmidot who came back from seminary. There was a family wedding where there was going to be inappropriate mixing between men and women. She kept the peace in the family by attending the chuppah, but not staying for the dinner and dancing.”

But compromise has to go both ways, Rabbi Greenwald asserts. He urges parents to remember that without respect, there’s no way to create a real dialogue with older children. “We are often as judgmental and vilifying of our children’s new views as theirs seem to be intolerant or strident,” he says. “Teasing or criticism should never take the place of real listening, validation, and discussion.”

Parents need to remember that, in their youth, they made decisions that were often a variation of their parents’ goals for them and in turn, our children may do the same. “At the same time,” he explains, “it’s most certainly our responsibility as parents to have them hear and understand our opinions. But we must also respect the ability of a 19-year-old to form opinions and make new choices.”

Criticizing those who your child looks up to is never a good way to go, Rabbi Greenwald adds. “It can only be counterproductive to make disparaging comments of those who your child has learned to respect. And ultimately, it will undermine their respect for you.”

Shidduchim Crisis

“My ideas about life are very different now,” says Adina. And that includes what she’s looking for in a future spouse. “I always wanted a husband who would learn, but I didn’t care if he watched movies, too. Now I want a life that’s more spiritually connected, less of doing things by rote. I want a sheltered home for my children — one without secular media or influences, and with enthusiasm for mitzvos.”

The sometimes-drastic switch of opinions regarding shidduchim can easily lead to parent-child conflict. As Mrs. Schwartz attests, “The parents feel they’ve known their daughter and her needs for 19 years. Hearing her express such a change of heart with regard to shidduchim is often a real shock!”

Parents may suspect that the new changes in lifestyle are temporary, and for some girls, that may be the case. “Girls come back from seminary after having lived in a bubble all year. They’re not always so realistic about things, even important things like shidduchim,” affirms Mrs. Ben Haim. “They need time to readjust to family and community life. So a waiting period of three months before dating is a good idea.”

But, of course, it all depends on the individual girl at hand. “It’s not always about the chronological clock, but the maturity clock. Just because a girl is back from seminary doesn’t mean she’s ready to get married,” asserts Rabbi Kurland.

To determine whether or not there should be a waiting period, start a dialogue with your daughter and listen closely, advises Rabbi Greenwald. “Speak to her about marriage. What is she looking for? What are her aspirations? How does she hope to contribute toward her goals?”

What about a parent’s fear that their daughter is coming off an “inflated high” and is looking for a partner in life whose aspirations don’t reflect her true needs? “One of the things we try to teach our girls is to evaluate what their emotional and physical resilience is,” Mrs. Schoonmaker replies. “That obviously plays a big role in whether living a kollel life will work for a girl or not.”

Knowledge of the practical realities is key, as well. “In all my years of teaching I’ve had a lot of questions about the kollel life. But I’ll never forget the girl who asked me how a kollel couple balances their checkbook. Now that was a girl who was not just serious about a kollel life, but looking for the practical skills to make it a reality,” remembers Mrs. Schoonmaker.

You can also connect your daughter with someone outside the family who can give her a different perspective on things. “If she says she wants a kollel life, and you don’t see how she’d be happy that way, try to find a young kollel wife to speak with who will level with her about the reality of her lifestyle. This way, she gets to make an informed decision on her own, without her parents in the middle,” Mrs. Schoonmaker recommends.

In some cases, you might want to pursue shidduchim right away, precisely when your daughter is soaring spiritually. “There are girls who come back from seminary on a high that might be difficult to maintain on her own. Marriage to a boy with similar aspirations who is already steady and consistent can be stabilizing and energizing. If this is what they both want, and you fear the diminishing inspiration factor, then it is indeed a good idea to solidify the growth by looking for a suitable shidduch,” advises Rabbi Greenwald.

In many cases, the seminary graduates themselves need time to work things through before dating. Your role as a parent, ideally, is to help — not hinder — the process. Rabbi Greenwald also cautions against the expectation that our kids must have everything completely figured out. “When you got married, you didn’t know what you know now. Sometimes you stumbled, but then you got up and tried something else, you figured things out, and many of you changed your mind and direction somewhere along the way.”

Bridging the Gap

When you send your daughter off to seminary, you’re entrusting her in the hands of others. And those “others” often determine who your child will become over the course of a year. Yet few parents take the time to get to know their daughter’s rebbeim and teachers in Israel.

“When teachers and parents communicate, trust is built — and that enables them to work together for the child’s benefit,” notes Mrs. Schoonmaker. “This is especially key because the girls keep in touch with us and seek advice after they leave. So teachers will have a bigger picture if they have communicated with the parents. And parents, likewise, will be less likely to resist advice coming from a teacher if a nice relationship has already been established.”

If you can’t resolve a dispute between you and your daughter, consider a mediator, suggests Mrs. Ben Haim: “It takes the tension off the parents and child, and it also demonstrates the importance of asking sh’eilot when there are doubts about what is the right course to pursue.” She tells the story of a boy who came back from Israel determined to learn in kollel forever. “The parents, who believed that a man should pursue a profession, were horrified. After meeting with the rav, however, they agreed to let the boy learn for a year and then reevaluate, a compromise that both sides could live with.”

Reconnecting the family unit also requires some due diligence. Your daughter is still a vital part of the family mosaic, but the picture is going to be a bit different. Try to help her reestablish relationships when she returns, and don’t expect her to play exactly the same role that she did before seminary. She is now an adult, and her responsibilities lie beyond the walls of your home. Her involvement in chores and day-to-day life are bound to be different than when she was a high school student. It is natural, normal, and healthy for her to cede the role of chief cook and bottle washer to others, particularly younger siblings who need to develop a greater sense of responsibility.

Mrs. Ben Haim believes in laying the groundwork for reconnecting while the child is still abroad: “Keep up the family connection while she is away by communicating frequently on the phone. Keep her in the loop about family happenings, even the ordinary day-to-day stuff.”

When your daughter gets back, she continues, it’s important to place an emphasis on reconnecting with family, regardless of how a girl may have changed. “Relationships with family are so essential for life,” says Mrs. Ben Haim. “Encourage your daughter to spend time with immediate family and encourage visits to relatives.”

Schedule permitting, a good way to jump-start a reconnection is to spend some quality time together. “A Shabbos away or a short family trip can be very effective for this purpose,” advises Rabbi Greenwald. It can be instrumental in the parent-child relationship, but also in sibling relationships.

“There was some tension between Adina and her siblings when she returned,” recalls Mrs. Schwartz. “Adina wouldn’t listen to lashon hara and that was a problem for some of my other children who were used to speaking more freely and who saw it as a chumrah instead of halachah.”

Eventually, however, the tension eased because of the sincerity behind what Adina was doing. And, Mrs. Schwartz shares, “along with her other stringencies in halachah was her carefulness in kibud av v’eim.”

A little common sense helps, too, she quips. “Whatever she did take on, she did with seichel. If she chose to daven three times a day, she would make sure to schedule herself so as not to inconvenience anyone as a result.”

Mrs. Schwartz pauses. Then she reflects. “Years later, I can see that we’ve all grown as a result of her growth. A lot of the new things she introduced us to have been enriching. At this point, I’ve begun to learn too.”

3 Pointers for Seminary Grads

If you’re going back home with newfound ideals, heed this cautionary advice from Rabbi Shimon Kurland, of Darchei Binah seminary:

• Go under the radar as much as possible. Be unobtrusive about the changes you’ve made. If the family is sitting around watching a movie, for instance, you can discreetly get up and leave after a while.
• Don’t take on new chumros while you’re still at home. Save it for married life.
• Keep in contact with your teachers. We are there for you not just in seminary — but for life.

(Originally Featured in Family First)