“And you shall not respond in a quarrel...” (Shemos 23:2)

Rabbi Shlomo ibn Gabirol quotes the pasuk “And to a quarrel do not respond to ignite.” Commentaries (Zohar Harakiya) explain that this refers to not entering a quarrel quickly and a person should be of those who hear their disgrace and do not respond. For if he does not respond in a quarrel “Where there is no malcontent strife will be silenced ” and if he will respond… the quarrel will be strengthened between them. (Lekach Tov)
If we don’t hold a new match to a burning match it goes out quietly. If we won’t be party to a feud it simply won’t take place. If we remain silent in a place where we could have spilled fuel there will be no fire.
But that’s not all. Silence has tremendous personal benefit.
Early afternoon on the bus. I am tired and distracted mentally creating a grocery shopping list.
And elderly woman alights but I don’t notice her. Suddenly I hear a raised voice. “An old lady gets on and no one stands up? Is this the way the elderly should be treated?”
Immediately I leap up — as do five other girls and women sitting near me. I have excuses and explanations on the tip of the tongue but I say nothing.
She’s right.
When people vilify and abuse you make your ear like a receiver to listen well with a calm spirit to every small and large thing that your faithful reprovers say. Through that those vilifying us will improve us more than those who love us. For those who love us their love will overlook all [our] transgressions. However those who vilify they are the faithful teachers and they will clearly utter all our deficiencies with their mouths. (Tiferes Yisrael)
It’s embarrassing to be rebuked in public. It’s much more tragic to be oblivious to a personal shortcoming. We read books go to shiurim sometimes dream of a wise woman who will reveal all. But when someone recites a list of our deficiencies in our face we can’t listen. A fire burns the words before they reach our heart.
A pity. It’s a golden opportunity to understand where and why our wheels are getting stuck.
“You’re judging me before I told you what happened.”
“You have no patience; you want instant results.”
“You repeat the secrets I tell you; I can’t trust you!”
The words aren’t coated or softened. They burn and stab. We don’t want to listen; we want to respond in kind.
A pity.
If you meet a bitter enemy who shoots arrows around you my brother remain silent; don’t quarrel and don’t respond to him. And do not even arouse in your heart any anger in order that your vision of introspection not be clouded by the cloud of anger.
Hearken and listen well to all his words. True he will tell you some things that aren’t correct. But between his words you will also hear some matters which if you are a spiritually refined person you will say inwardly: In this his words are correct — this deficiency is within me. And if he magnified each small point in your deficiencies with a magnifying glass be happy that he revealed to you some of your shortcomings. (ibid)
It’s unpleasant. A scorched smell spreads around us and the degradation wreaks havoc with our egos. But we will just listen in silence.
Afterward we’ll sit and think things over. We’ll dissect them as if they were in a novel with an unrelated protagonist as if we were listening to a lecture. We’ll try to peel away our loaded feelings throw away everything exaggerated or distorted and see if nevertheless there are indeed points of truth in their words.
When [others] relate things against him he should submit to the Creator and thank Him that He revealed to him a bit of the much [that there is] in order to smite him and admonish him so that he return to Him as it says “He opened their ear to chastisement and commanded that they return from iniquity.”(Chovos Halevavos)
I take a deep breath and look the older woman in the eye. I say “You’re entirely right. Thank you for pointing this out..”