“I don’t understand,” she said. “You want me not to be myself?”

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

"I can’t do this anymore.”

Those were the first words Racheli said to me. Before she said “hi” or “how are you” or even “thanks for making the time to speak with me.”

“What’s going on?”

“What’s going on is that every time I date a boy, I go out for five, six, seven dates, and then it falls apart. Either I say no or he says no, for perfectly valid reasons.”

“That sounds very…”

“Weird,” Racheli interrupted me. “Because I have plenty of single friends, and I don’t see this happening to any of them. They go out with guys once, twice, three times tops, and then it’s over. If they go out six times, it’s because they eventually get engaged.

“One of my friends even claims that a third date is the ‘make it or break it’ — either you say no then, or you get engaged. But I go out with every boy three times! At least!” She took a deep breath. “And then I’m a basket case after every breakup. It takes me two weeks to get over it. And then it happens again.”

“Racheli, can you tell me a little about yourself?”

As we made small talk, I noted a few things about Racheli’s personality. She seemed on the reserved side, but as she grew more comfortable, her confidence increased, and she shared her thoughts and ideas freely, connected easily, and was fun to talk to. It wasn’t hard to imagine every boy saying yes to that warmth and frankness.

Maybe that was the problem.