Don’t brag about your blessings — enjoy them privately

I

t’s wonderful when we receive good news. It can also be wonderful when we hear good news about others: Did you hear that the Cohens had their first boy after seven girls? They must be thrilled!

Yes, that is great news and we’re all happy for them. But hearing about a third party’s good news is different from hearing about someone’s own good news. When people talk about their own (or their spouse’s or children’s) accomplishments, talents, privileges, or exciting opportunities, they run the risk of causing their listener pain.

Did I Tell You My Good News?

Zahava: “I went to PTA last night and every teacher and rebbi told me that my Zach was the top boy in the class! I was kvelling! I mean, Yitzy was top in his class so I didn’t think the one under him would also be that good, but I guess it happens.”

Aliza (thinking to herself): So, bragging about your kid now? I mean, excuse me, bragging about two of your kids? To me? You know perfectly well that my kids all struggle in school.

Aliza congratulates her friend but leaves the conversation feeling hurt. “Of course it’s wonderful her kids are superstars. It’s just that I find it insensitive of her to speak to me about it. If she knew that my girls won prizes for outstanding performances then it would be different — she and I could kvell together. But this feels like she’s rubbing our noses in our mediocrity.”

Sensitivity

On the other hand, if your friends can’t celebrate your joy with you, then what kind of friends are they?

Pessy: “I couldn’t wait to tell Leah that we’d purchased a beautiful home in our dream neighborhood. She and I have been complaining about our cramped apartments for years. I was so disappointed at her response — I’d expected her to jump up and down and clap her hands, and there she was looking like someone had died. I guess that she was jealous, but I really didn’t expect that of her. I thought she’d be so happy for me!”

Leah: “It was the way she told me this news. Of course we had been complaining together forever — that’s the point: we were complaining together. Now here she was, all happy, and completely ignoring how I felt.

I was losing my best friend. We did everything together. We lived in each other’s homes. We talked all day. And second, I was still stuck with my crowded apartment and — as she knows — I was never going to be able to leave the place.

I really wish she would have said this in a more toned-down way, not like this was the best thing that ever happened to her! And she could have acknowledged my feelings, telling me that she wished I could have this too. Then I would have thrown my arms around her and told her how happy I am for her — and I really would have felt that way, because I would have known that she understood me.”

Humblebragging

Bragging that’s accompanied by a modest or humble-sounding minimizer of some sort is called “humblebragging.” Research shows that people dislike humblebragging even more than they dislike bragging.

“The ten of us spent three weeks in the Alps and it was the experience of a lifetime! Of course, it was no picnic having to lug all our pots and pans to the resort.”

Humblebrags leave listeners feeling manipulated in addition to whatever other distress they experience. There’s a phony quality to the protest (“I hate that people always comment on my designer clothing; I just wear them because I like them and they look good on me. I don’t want to talk about it all the time.”).

Whether it’s sharing, boasting, bragging, or humblebragging, spreading good news about yourself or your family always has the potential to cause your listener pain. As in all other areas of life, modesty (of the authentic kind!) is always kinder, classier, and more appropriate. After all, our blessings are there for us to enjoy — not to brag about! (Originally featured in Family First, Issue 595)