The world has labeled them. Can they get past their reputations?

Do you have a bad child? I’m talking about the kind of child who other people don’t want their children to be friends with the kind that the school administration advises good children to avoid. How does it feel to have a “bad” child?

And how does it feel for your child to be a bad child? As her friends drop her like a hot potato after her last run-in with the authorities as she’s avoided like the plague by good girls and is also rejected by equally guilty parties who are now terrified of being found guilty by association with her — how does it feel to be virtually excommunicated at such a tender age? And what are the long-term consequences of that feeling?

The System

The system itself of course is benign in its intentions. “Good” children need to be protected from the potentially harmful effects of “bad” children. It all makes sense: one bad apple can spoil the barrel; enter a smoke shop and come out smelling like smoke — and so on. But where does all this leave the bad child? And if the bad one belongs to you what are you supposed to do?

Condemned

Sacrificed for the greater good the bad child suffers intensely. This youngster was once a very small child: whole acceptable and loved no matter how challenging or mischievous he or she was. Then school started.

Somewhere along the line the child became “bad.” Perhaps there were learning issues. Perhaps there was stress in the child’s life. It might even have been a mean teacher or rebbi who started the downhill slide. Or — due to age inexperience and human frailty — the child took some wrong turns made some poor choices. She is after all a work in progress. Whatever started it the bad child could not end it. She became entangled in the web of the bad reputation.

Once deemed “bad” a child no longer feels like a whole human being. His or her soul is crushed. Feelings of worthlessness confusion inadequacy and even self-loathing replace healthy self-concept. It’s as if the child now wears permanently soiled clothing. Often the only safe place is in a cave with other similar outcasts. Together they band together for warmth and protection.

Seeing the Good

It’s imperative that parents and educators continue to see their child as good no matter what developmental struggles occur. Young people look into the eyes of these important mentors as one looks into a mirror. When the eyes reflect positive regard the children maintain faith in themselves. When the eyes have given up the children follow suit.

How can adults look benevolently upon erring youngsters? We need to believe in ourselves. We need to trust that we have something loving positive and life-affirming to offer even the most troubled child. We need to trust that as the child comes to trust she will accept our gift. Our confidence in this truth will help us guide the child.

Suppose for example that our “bad” child has been suspended from school. The principal calls the child in explaining with real sadness that the child must stay home for a period because of the transgression. The educator talks to the child about the broken rule trying to understand the youngster’s motivation — listening carefully and nonjudgmentally validating the child’s feelings showing respect for his or her thinking.

Speaking softly and even lovingly he tells the child that he understands it was a mistake we all make mistakes and that this no doubt will be the last time it happens. He then goes on to praise the child for whatever good things he has heard lately and finally offers sincere wishes for much success upon return. At home a similar scene is repeated.

Even a “bad” child’s friends and classmates can be part of the healing process. They too can trust that they have something healthy and positive to offer. They can help bring their troubled friend into the shelter of their companionship providing the therapeutic balm of genuine acceptance and positive role modeling.

The parents of these friends and classmates also have a role to play. Opening their homes and hearts to “bad” kids can be exactly what turns them “good” again. These adults also must trust in the power of their love and their sanctified lifestyle to inspire others. Cookies and milk served with unconditional positive regard in a home permeated with Yiddishkeit can bring out the best in any child. Even if it doesn’t happen immediately we can trust that there are enduring effects. It might take years to reveal the healing seeds that are planted but certainly no longer than it will take to harvest the bitter fruit of rejection and judgment.