Channels to get acquainted with your family

J ust because people live together doesn’t mean they actually know each other. Ask most teenagers if they think their parents know them for example and you’ll get a lot of negative replies.

“I don’t tell my parents what I really think about things. It’s my friends who really know me.”

Perhaps we’re not so surprised that an adolescent feels distant from her parents unwilling to open up and share her true feelings. The disconnect however isn’t limited to teens. Most children have very little idea of who their parents are many parents don’t know their children and many spouses don’t truly know each other.

External Behavior Internal Processe

Since our thoughts are securely encased within our brain tissues and our feelings lie deep within the chambers of our heart no one but Hashem can ever really know us. People can make assumptions about us based only on what they see us do; our actions and behaviors provide a level of information.

That level however is superficial. When we see a person davening in shul for example we can only observe the siddur in her hand her body posture and so on. We have absolutely no idea what’s going on inside her — whether she’s praying with concentration or whether she’s praying at all.

External behavior tells us little about internal processes. Knowing someone means knowing what they think and feel far more than it means knowing what they do.

A parent sees her child get up get dressed go to school come home do homework eat play get ready for bed. If it’s easy to guide the child through these activities the parent may see her youngster as “easy ” “cooperative ” and so on. If it’s hard to guide her the parent may see the youngster as “strong-willed ” “defiant ” or “uncooperative.”

The parent deduces from behavioral evidence that certain character traits exist. Even when accurate this level of knowledge says very little about who the child actually is.

Like Strangers

"We've been married for almost three decades but my husband and I rarely share meaningful conversation. We talk mostly about what happened during the day and what tasks need to be done. In some ways I feel like we’re strangers.”

People often try to connect to their loved ones by asking about their activities: “What did you do at school today?” “How was work?”

Asking these sorts of questions will provide information about behavior and external events: “We had a science test. I knew all the answers.” “I had to cover for two people at work today. I’m exhausted.”

Some people feel that if they know what happened in their spouse’s or child’s day they’re close to each other. The truth is however that knowing what happened tells us very little about the person to whom the events happened. If we go further trying to find out how the events affected the person what the person felt and thought about those events then we’ll begin to get to know the person.

Personal Perspectives

Of course most days tend to be mundane and repetitive provoking little in the way of deep response. (“How was school today?” “Fine.” “What happened at work today?” “Not much.”)

A better source of inner material is discussion about issues. Families can use periods of togetherness (in the car at the dinner table on a walk) to discuss ideas sparked by current events family events magazine articles books classes and other sources. Finding out what a family member thinks and feels about everything and anything — while sharing your own personal reactions — is one of the best ways to really get to know each other.

Mom: “I read an article today about the use of robots in old-age homes. They’ve invented fake cats that purr when a person pats them and the residents get really attached to them. What do you think of that?”

Child A: “It’s awful to encourage people to have relationships with fake pets!”

Child B: “It’s great if it makes depressed people feel happier!”

Spouse: “It’s fascinating that people can have real feelings toward robots. How is that even possible?”

Light topics deep topics thought-provoking topics and feeling-provoking topics all go a long way to helping family members get to know each other. Fortunately there are endless topics to discuss endless opportunities to share the personal perspectives that reveal who we really are. We only have to take advantage of them. (Originally featured in Family First Issue 547)