One Friday night we hosted a young woman who was exploring Judaism. Intelligent and deep thinking she had lots of questions. The meal ended and my husband seeing that I was engrossed in conversation with our guests cleared the table and straightened up the kitchen.

After Shabbos one of my guest’s friends contacted me. “Natalie had a good time but it really bothered her that your husband sat at the head of the table while you served the meal. She has some feminist issues with that.”

This wasn’t the first time I’d heard this complaint so I wasn’t surprised. If Natalie had called me directly I’d have told her “I can see why you feel this seems unfair. But the truth is everyone does things that they don’t enjoy at times because of the roles that they fill.

“Imagine a young woman who gets a degree in social work in order to help improve people’s lives but then her job entails hours of paperwork. Or what about two inspired baalei teshuvah who marry and eagerly start a family yet are taken aback by the lack of inspiration in continuous rounds of diaper changes midnight feedings and bouts of colic?”

I could hear Natalie responding “The people in your examples have all chosen their roles and they were aware of the ‘to-do’ list that came with them. But why should there be a ‘to-do’ list in relationships? Just because you become someone’s wife why does that mean that you have to cook his food and serve his meals and who knows what else!? Why does he get to sit there at the head of the table while you serve him?”

“If you think about it” I’d counter “every role that we take on has parts that we enjoy and parts that are simply responsibility. The question is what is the value in doing those things that seem to be a requirement in a relationship particularly in marriage? Are they just the paperwork that the state requires of the social worker like a tax that has to be paid and gotten out of the way so that we can do the things we like?”

Ahavah vs. Yirah

Rav Eliyahu Dessler in Michtav MeEliyahu (vol. 3 pg. 45–46 120–121) sheds light on a fascinating relationship between serving Hashem with yirah awe and serving Him with ahavah love (which he uses here interchangeably with simchah joy) which can help address our question.

Rav Dessler quotes a passage from the Zohar that examines the seeming contradiction between two statements of David HaMelech “Serve Hashem with awe [yirah]” and “Serve Hashem with joy [simchah].” The passage explains that we have to start with yirah in order to end up with simchah. Rav Dessler expounds on this by teaching that yirah is the realm of human endeavor and includes all the actions that a person undertakes simply because they are required of him.

In the arena of mitzvos for example initially we keep them because we are taught that there are consequences if we don’t. Hopefully we develop further and reach a place where we do Hashem’s will happily and keep the mitzvos out of love. However that progress can only take place if we first accept the “have-to’s.”

When we choose to serve Hashem with yirah He then gives us a gift of being able to serve Him with ahavah. Yirah is the realm of humans the only realm in which we can operate. Ahavah is in the realm of Heaven internal and unlimited and therefore is bequeathed as a gift in response to us doing our part. This is the deeper understanding of our Sages’ teaching “Everything is in the Hands of Heaven except for the fear of Heaven.”

In relationships the same concept applies. In this realm we also toil trying to accomplish what is required of us as husband or wife to fulfill our obligations so that our spouse is provided for and cared for. This requires an enormous amount of work unromantic and unrelenting in its constancy certainly not the stuff of our dreams.

Some of that work may be in things we don’t have an affinity for; sometimes there is insufficient recognition of our efforts. Yet this very effort when undertaken to further the relationship creates the ability for us to receive the gift of joy.

Our lo lishmah the initial acts that are done begrudgingly and not eagerly lead us to lishmah to doing it all happily. However Rav Dessler explains this will occur only if our initial goal is to reach the lishmah.

Doing what you have to as a martyr will not bring you to joy. On the other hand fulfilling our obligations in a relationship only when we feel connected or only when we enjoy what we’re doing is a commitment to ourselves not to the relationship and does not constitute the yirah that brings ahavah in its wake.

Yiras Hashem Rav Dessler clarifies is the tool we use to overcome our nisyonos. We need not think of nisyonos only in terms of the big challenges in our lives. Rebbetzin Chaya Sarah Freifeld a”h used to teach the gemara that if you don’t have the right change when you need it or you wanted a hot drink and only have a cold one this too is a nisayon. Based on this we can say that the areas of effort required by our marriages that are not to our particular liking fall into the category of nisayon as well. And part of the nisayon is the obligatory nature of much of our exertion which brings out a natural resistance.

Adding Joy to the Mix

Rav Dessler tells us how to conquer this resistance. He recommends that we weave some joy into our toil so we don’t become resentful as things undertaken with resistance only develop more resistance. We can utilize our individuality when doing that which is required of us. For example I may have to prepare food but I can choose any type of cuisine that suits my fancy. The home that I run should reflect my individual taste and interests. How I organize my life should take into account my need for rest or creative outlets.

Even if you have a housekeeper or a cook or a husband who likes to take on household duties each relationship will have some aspect of avodah that you will experience as toil and the principle remains the same.

During this month of Elul we are solidifying our relationship with Hashem so that we can reaffirm our commitment to Him as our King on Rosh HaShanah. Isn’t it telling that during this time and continuing through the Ten Days of Repentance we concentrate on being more exacting in the details of our mitzvah observance?

Through these efforts we come before Hashem on Yom Kippur with the confidence to ask that He forgive all our mistakes. From there we are catapulted into Succos the time of love and reunion between ourselves and our Creator.

Doing the right thing out of a commitment to the relationship and a desire to increase the connection whether it is between us and Hashem or between ourselves and our spouses is not only about being faithful to our obligations but also a powerful mechanism that can bring the greatest gift: the love and the joy that come with it.

As for our Shabbos guest she has moved past her initial discomfort and is on an honest path toward seeking a relationship with Hashem. I daven for her and for all of us that we will come to recognize the beauty and experience the joy in fulfilling our obligations in the context of a committed relationship with Hashem and with our spouses. May we all have the strength to embark on the process that brings us to the fulfillment of David HaMelech’s dictum “Serve Hashem with joy come before Him with glad song.”