If you’d stop a Jewish person on the street and ask if he believes in the Ten Commandments I imagine that most Jews no matter what their affiliation would reply in the affirmative. However when asked to name the first of the ten most would probably be stumped.

Don’t kill don’t steal and honor your parents are familiar tenets. Anochi Hashem is less proverbial. Although many might profess belief they are often unclear as to what constitutes true faith.

What is actually required to fulfill that first of the big Ten? Rav Eliyahu Dessler quoting the Ridvaz explains that the halachic requirements of Anochi Hashem start with the belief in the One Above as the Creator of the world Who continues to be involved in our history and our lives. In addition each one of us has an obligation to continually cultivate and strengthen his personal emunah. The more thought we invest in our emunah the more nuanced our perception grows. And in direct relation to the growth of this perception will be the overflow into every aspect of our lives.

Marriage is a central part of a Jewish person’s life; what role should emunah play in married life?

A fundamental belief in Judaism is that the physical realm is but a garment hiding the spiritual realm from view. Just as the garment is not the person so too the physical realm is but a guise. A guise that challenges us to reveal the more internal spiritual realm as the true reality.

Let’s examine the concept of emunah in marriage so we can begin to understand the spiritual core and the benefit of the Torah ideal of “V’hayu l’basar echad” and they shall be one flesh.

A proverbial “leap of faith” isn’t necessary when it comes to believing in our Creator Who revealed Himself at Sinai. We have irrefutable evidence that only requires us to believe that there has been no conspiracy among all our ancestors to deceive us.

It’s possible however that the biggest leap of faith required of us is the plunge we take when we get married. The unknowns always outweigh the apparent facts (even if we don’t know that there is a lot we don’t know). And unfortunately nowadays everyone is faced with the increasing reality that marriage doesn’t always work out. Many mothers have shared that their daughters are apprehensive about starting to date when they have friends who have already moved back home sometimes with a child in tow a year or so after the gorgeous wedding of their dreams.

We strive to inculcate in our children and in ourselves the emunah that Hashem wants us to get married and that every suggestion that comes our way involves Divine Providence even if it doesn’t turn out to be the “one.”

A chassidish rebbetzin friend of mine once shared that whenever a shidduch is suggested for one of their children the Rebbe and his wife make l’chayim privately in their kitchen even if they decide not to pursue the shidduch. This is their way of acknowledging that this shidduch was considered a possibility in the Heavenly realm.

We also have to have emunah that Hashem doesn’t make mistakes and that if a suggestion results in our standing under the chuppah then this is clearly the “right” one no matter what transpires afterward.

A woman dealing with a lot of emotional pain in her marriage told me that she married the wrong man. She insisted that there had been another person in her youth who would have been more suitable and she should have married him. While this fantasy may be useful as a coping mechanism in a difficult situation the underlying premise is untrue and a tremendous obstacle in rectifying the situation. If we believe we are in the place that Hashem wants us to be it will help us put our entire being into the effort of building and repairing our shalom bayis.

At the risk of touching on an overdone topic I’d like to bring a parallel from Pesach. We have no questions regarding what Hashem commanded us to do and carry it out wholeheartedly. I don’t know any observant people who keep a small stockpile of chometz on the side throughout the holiday “just in case.” Similarly we need to search the cracks and crevices of our inner selves and remove the doubts “what ifs ” and emotional disengagements that keep us from investing our entire selves in our marriage.

When a Jewish man and woman get married we bless them that they should build a “bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael” a faithful home in Israel. Ne’emanus or trustworthiness is another aspect of emunah. A person of faith has the ability to be faithful. Throughout our long and often difficult history we’ve counted on the fact that our Creator is faithful to the covenant that He made with us at Sinai — that He will not change us for another people or override His Torah. We rely on Hashem to be ne’eman l’bris — faithful to the covenant — and keep these promises whether or not we as a nation are doing our part.

A covenant is different from a contract. If you make a contract with someone it’s clear that it remains viable only as long as each side is fulfilling their end of the bargain. In contrast a covenant denotes faithfulness regardless of the behavior of the partner.

The Ramban explains that the word bris is etymologically related to the word bri’ah which means a creation. Every bris creates a new entity. When a child is circumcised he enters into briso shel Avraham. No matter what happens in his life he will remain a part of the Jewish People.

Rav Menachem Shlanger in Ohel Rachel brings a marvelous image to explain this concept. He explains that the heavens and earth have a covenant as well. Each functions in an entirely different realm. From the heavens comes the rain. The earth’s job is to absorb the moisture. Neither has to compel the other to do its job. Each does its task faithfully with trust that the other is also doing the best they can. The result is the creation of food that sustains life in This World.

Marriage too is a covenant. We express our faithfulness by focusing on what we need to do and work on in the relationship while giving our spouse credit for doing the best he can at the moment. Each spouse is responsible for his tasks alone and for having faith that the other is also trying as best he can. The result is the creation of a bayis ne’eman a faithful home.

The pasuk in Tehillim (45:14) offers guidance: “Kol kvudah bas melech pnimah” the honor of the daughter of the king is within.

King David teaches us that a Jewish wife is meant to be like the princess who realizes that all she needs already exists within her palace. She doesn’t need to run out to a 7-Eleven to get a Slurpee. That doesn’t mean that as Jewish princesses we don’t leave our homes. However we must recognize that all which is truly needed for our development is contained in our home through our marriage.

Throughout Ksuvim particularly in Tehillim the word kavod honor translates as soul. If we apply that understanding to the above verse it translates as “our whole soul is within — in the palace.” What or who we become spiritually will depend on our development within the relationships in our home. To put this more strongly our Olam HaBa does not depend on the person we marry. Rather it’s about the person we become as a result.

A single woman may have many options in choosing her development in avodas Hashem. She can be a Partner in Torah join a mussar vaad say Shir HaShirim for forty days or learn shmiras halashon everyday. All these are valid and valuable efforts in developing herself. Yet as soon as she stands under the chuppah she has a new spiritual job description directly ordained from Heaven. She must now become the proper wife to her husband and together build their home.

At the end of Parshas Noach in the genealogy of Avraham’s family we are introduced to Yiskah who Rashi informs us is actually Sarah. The Maharal explains that her name was changed because a woman has one spiritual job description before she is married and another after she marries. It’s as if Hashem is saying: Until now you did the work you wanted to do; now I am directing you to do the work you need to do.

This task is difficult simply by virtue of the fact that it is being imposed on us. But it’s the most critical work we will ever do. Our emunah comes into play when we realize that this is a customized plan for our development and eternal benefit will accompany us throughout this ultimately most rewarding journey.