Keep calm when dealing with someone who can’t

Plans fall through. The icing doesn’t set. The item is out of stock. But different people have different ways of handling frustrating events.

“My Daniel gets completely out of whack when something unexpected happens. If we plan to go out, but there’s a storm, he just can’t cope. Nothing helps. He throws things all over the place, screams and cries, and insists that we continue with Plan A. I’m working on teaching him to be more flexible and to go with the flow, but it’s a very slow process. I’m hoping that he’ll catch on by the time he is an adult or I feel bad for his poor wife!”

Ahh, but not all people do catch on by adulthood. There are fully grown men and women who go to pieces when things don’t go their way.

“I’ve made several weddings and I’d thought I got the rhythm down pat until I had to deal with my last set of mechutanim. Raizy and Mordechai seemed like lovely people when we first me them, but then we started planning the wedding together… turns out neither one of them can compromise or cooperate!

They would say something — like a menu suggestion — and if we made a counter-suggestion, they both dug in their heels and started loudly spouting reasons why it had to be their way. They bullied us into making our own daughter’s wedding their way because my husband and I just couldn’t bring ourselves to fight over small details.”

No doubt Raizy’s parents and Mordechai’s parents tried to teach them to share and give in; most parents have to do this just to quell the inevitable sibling battles over space, ownership, and who goes first. It’s just that some kids are born inflexible, and normal parental interventions fail to make much of an indent.

Common and Frustrating

Rigidity can be expressed as an inability to handle change or a difficulty accepting unwanted circumstances. Rigidity is very common — and very frustrating. It’s hard to have a mechutan, spouse, parent, child, sibling, coworker, or neighbor who remains adamantly inflexible in the face of requests for understanding. (Sometimes, rigidity may be accompanied by a personality disorder or a mental health condition such as OCD or anxiety. In those cases, it can often be effectively addressed by medication, cognitive behavioral therapies, and parent education and counseling during the developmental years.)

But when a co-traveler on your life’s journey remains rigid when life demands flexibility, how can you reach your destination successfully?

 Dealing with Inflexible People

There are ways to build a successful relationship with a reactive, rigid person. Don’t be reactive in return. Butting horns with an inflexible youngster or adult is simply painful on the horns and otherwise unproductive. Except when the issues are absolutely critical, a flexible person can continue to be flexible (give up and give in) so as not to start exhausting debates, arguments, and confrontations about relatively unimportant issues.

It pays to even refuse to stand on principle (“Why should she always get what she wants just because she makes the biggest scene?”) unless the principle is worth the cortisol that will be involved. For most issues, life is too short to make a fuss. Mature, flexible, healthy people can comfortably move aside without sacrificing their dignity, physical health, or emotional well-being — on the contrary, moving to the side can help them maintain all three.

When a person is in the midst of a meltdown, it’s always best to keep your own pace “slow and low.” Allowing the upset person to rant without interruption works better than egging him on with counterpoints and logical explanations. When the ranting is done, a soft, calm, and brief response is less inflammatory and may even help restore a bit of balance.

This is true whether you must stay firm or when you can offer a flexible response. Keep in mind that rigid people are usually trying to deal with an underlying anxiety: They hold on so tight because they’re afraid that their feelings or needs will be trampled on if they let go. Plenty of affection and kindness toward an inflexible loved one can help that person calm down over the long run. Nonetheless, it’s the rigid person him or herself who must eventually do the work of changing patterns of over-reactivity and insufficient flexibility. You can help by providing a good model.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 601)