How to recognize when past trauma is hampering the present — and how to find the path to healing

Esti is a 56-year-old grandmother, but she has the voice of a small child. It’s incongruent with the lines etched on her forehead and is a surprise to those who meet her after speaking with her on the phone.

The voice is congruent, however, with Esti’s adult personality. She’s child-like in her insecurities, always full of self-doubt about her social skills and her professional competencies. Objectively, she’s smart, creative, and kind, yet she feels perpetually inadequate and rejected. She has a strong need to please others, especially those in authority, and is afraid to assert herself. She’s still drawn to the activities, styles, and possessions of her childhood. Esti is a young girl living in a middle-aged woman’s body.

Esti’s stunted internal world is the result of “developmental trauma” — a term used to describe chronically chaotic, unstable, and/or hurtful home environments during childhood. Trauma can include being raised by parents who suffer from addiction, mental health disorders, or emotional dysregulation; living through war periods, natural disasters, or a high-conflict divorce; suffering through the sickness or death of a loved one; being physically or verbally abused or witnessing a loved one being abused; or being consistently ignored, neglected, or excessively criticized.

Developmental trauma is not the result of a one-time event, but rather the consequence of repetitive, usually chronic, overwhelming experiences taking place over a period of years.

When there’s trauma or unmet needs during childhood, it can sometimes cause a “freeze effect” in which development of part of the personality freezes in time, instead of continuing to unfold toward maturity. The sufferer feels the disconnect between her chronological age and the qualities of her personality but doesn’t know how to fix it.