I had to look right at this wedding, no matter the price

Tova: Our lives are busy, and this is the option that works for us.

Penina: Don’t you understand that what’s perfect for you is a disaster for me?

Tova

When Chezky’s brother got engaged, I was excited and so happy for him... and also completely overwhelmed. All I could think of was what happened last year, when my brother got married. The costs. The time. The stress. Outfitting myself and my kids, traveling, making sheva brachos, it all cost money. And taking off work was a total nightmare, my boss still hasn’t stopped mentioning it. All in all, a massive simchah — and a massive strain on the married siblings.

“What are we going to do?” I asked Chezky, when we finally had a chance to sit down and talk. “I get a headache just thinking about it all... and there’s Penina next, she’s for sure in shidduchim already, we could have another wedding within the year. How can we even afford it all?”

“Hey, we’re not making the wedding, you know,” Chezky said lightly. I could tell he was a little upset, this was his brother’s simchah after all. I changed tracks.

“I know, I know, and this is amazing, I’m so happy for Aharon and the kallah is really sweet. It’s just the practicalities… remember making sheva brachos last year? And the girls will need gowns, I’ll need something to wear, plus the hairdresser and the shoes and all the bits and pieces...”

“And taking off work, the aufruf, Shabbos sheva brachos, I know.” Chezky drummed his fingers on the table. “I know, Tovs, but listen, what can we do? Tell your boss it’s a sibling’s wedding, he has a family, he knows what it’s like. Besides, you know they can’t afford to let you go.” He winked.

It wasn’t the point, though. I hated having to ask for more time off, endure the interrogation, and then suffer through the negativity for months afterward. I wish I could explain to my boss that I didn’t want to keep taking time off. I just didn’t have a choice in the matter.

When I spoke to my sisters-in-law later in the week, I was happy to hear that they were on the same page as me.

“We have to keep the sheva brachos simple,” Brocha told me. “I know, this is major and so exciting and everything, but frankly, we just can’t afford to spend a lot right now, you know?”

I knew too well. Brocha has a bunch of little kids, my brother-in-law learns in kollel, and they barely made ends meet. We weren’t well-off by any stretch of the imagination, but compared to Brocha’s situation, we were doing well. Of course she couldn’t afford to blow a few hundred dollars on a one-night event.

Dassy was more concerned about the gowns than the sheva brachos. She has five girls, and even gemach rentals added up. “And then there’s me, I can’t turn up to this chasunah in the gown I wore to Brocha’s wedding six years ago,” she said. “It’s a hassle, finding something that fits, and matches the color scheme, and doesn’t break the bank... and then there’s the sheitel and the makeup and the jewelry and the shoes. I wish people would realize what a strain the wedding is on the chassan’s and kallah’s siblings.”

We commiserated for a while, then got practical. “We may as well divide up the work,” I told my sisters-in-law. “If we need to coordinate gowns anyway, let’s each check out one gemach, and we’ll see if there’s anything promising that comes in enough sizes and stock for all of us.”