By acknowledging our negative feelings, we can transform their effect on us

Feelings are completely invisible, yet they exert a powerful effect on us. We identify with them so completely, we employ the phrase “I am” when describing them. I’m happy. I’m frustrated. I’m scared. According to Dr. Gabor Maté, renowned addictions and trauma expert, human beings are “feelings with words.” Our thoughts, actions, plans, intentions, health, and energy are all informed by our feelings.

Dr. Candace Pert, former chief of brain biochemistry at the National Institutes of Health, explains that neurotransmitters carry chemical messages triggered by emotions to every cell in the body, so emotions affect all our bodily processes.

We might try to talk ourselves out of our negative emotions, but it turns out that attempting to do so doesn’t help. What we need is a set of skills that allows us to transform our emotions so we can send improved messages throughout our body.

Transforming Emotion

One powerful skill for transforming negative emotions is the accurate identification of the emotion. When a feeling has been correctly identified, it opens and shifts, causing bodily changes that will be immediately and clearly discerned. There may be a release of tension, a sense of movement, dramatic relief. The brain responds with recognition, understanding, and insight. The entire body relaxes as the truth makes its way through the layers of the soul. This is why therapy heals. Bringing a person face to face with her own emotions is transformative.

But how is it done and how can we do it ourselves?

One essential strategy is to avoid using our defense mechanisms. We all have sophisticated defense mechanisms, designed by Hashem to help us survive the pain of living and especially, the pain we encounter while still in the helpless, developmental phases of our journey.

These defense mechanisms keep our most vulnerable feelings — those most in need of our recognition and compassion — hidden from our conscious perception. When we’re upset, for example, we may get through the experience by focusing our attention on someone or something else. We might talk about these distractions to others, even to our therapist. In this way, we completely avoid encountering, acknowledging, and accurately naming our own feelings.

Telling stories is a common defense mechanism. As long as we talk about what happened and who did what to us, we’ll be able to avoid our feelings. But if we want to transform a feeling, we first need to be willing to look for it, and the place we’ll have to look is inside of ourselves. We’ll find it somewhere in our own body.

Then, we have to describe what we find inside in terms of “I am.” I’m exhausted. I’m hopeless. I’m discouraged. We could use the word “feel” synonymously with “I am,” but we need to ensure that the sentence sounds just like the “I am” sentence: I feel exhausted. I feel hopeless. I feel discouraged. This may sound simple and straightforward, but our defenses ensure that it isn’t!

Dig Deep

In answer to the question, “Why are you so upset?” we might want to say something like, “I feel like he doesn’t care” or “I feel like I’m not appreciated,” etc. Our defense fools us, leading us to believe that since we used the word “feel,” we must actually be talking about a feeling! But no. These two sentences are expressing thoughts or beliefs. It’s as if we’re saying, “Based on his behavior, it seems to me that he doesn’t care,” or “Since they never say or do anything to indicate otherwise, I don’t think they appreciate me.” When the word “that” or “like” follows the phrase “I feel,” we’ll always find a thought rather than an emotion. “I feel that I need to take some time off work.” That’s an idea or a plan, not a feeling.

To find our way back to the feeling, we need to ask ourselves the tired-but-true therapeutic question, “And how do you feel about that?” Then we need to search inside our bodies for the exact right word and place it right after the phrase “I feel.” I feel relieved.

Practice getting closer to your own core and see how it feels (no pun intended!). When you get there, just greet your feeling with compassion. “Oh, so you feel disappointed. I see.” Talking to yourself this way is all you have to do to begin to enjoy greater health and ease.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 772)