Bedtime doesn’t start at bedtime. By the time you call your children to bed, the tone for bedtime has already been set

We’ve all been there — one child tugging on your leg, another whining for a drink, a third missing… something… and your newborn just wants to eat. But it’s six thirty, which means it’s time for the nightly showdown you call bedtime.

Bedtime doesn’t have to be a fight. With a few thoughtful systems and techniques, you can get your children to sleep with plenty of time to sit down with a quiet cup of coffee.

The Wind-Down

The truth is, bedtime doesn’t start at bedtime. By the time you call your children to bed, the tone for bedtime has already been set. First, you need a wind-down process to get them calm and ready to prepare for bed.

The key to a wind-down process is, well… winding down. If bedtime is 7:30, start the process at 6:45. Dim the lights, turn on some quiet music, and let your children pick a few quiet activities, like drawing or puzzles. Low-stimulation activities help their minds and bodies get ready for bed.

The Calm Corner Reset

Sometimes, the wind-down process just isn’t enough. Maybe your child is exhausted and on edge after a long day of school or they’re overstimulated and need to relax. A calm corner can help.

Set up a corner of your house with a blanket, some pillows, and a few books or stuffed animals. It doesn’t need to take up much space. Let your children know that if they need a quiet moment to themselves before or during bedtime (or anytime they need to regulate their emotions!), they can head over there to reset.

The Systems-Based Routine

Some children thrive on a set routine. My five-year-old is one of them. Everything stays the same night to night — first he takes a bath, then he puts on pajamas, then he brushes his teeth, and he goes to bed. That’s a scripted routine.

A systems-based routine is a little different. Instead of having a rigid “bath, then pjs, then teeth, then bed” system, you work through a few “pieces” of a routine. Not every night needs to look the same, but it’ll follow the same routine. Some nights, they’ll take a bath, while on others, they’ll just wash their face and hands. Then, you might take some connection time with your child. You can read a story, snuggle under a cozy blanket, or schmooze for a bit (super fun for older kids!). This way, if something needs to change — like if homework ran late and you need to shorten a step — bedtime doesn’t last forever.

The “Two Things” Rule

You know how the second you announce bedtime, everyone needs something? An extra snack, a drink, a vegetable for the soup they’re making in yeshivah tomorrow… the reasons to delay bedtime stretch on and on.

Introducing the “two things” rule: Every child can ask for two things. This way, they get to ask you for whatever they need (within reason), while you keep your sanity.

Do you have little ones who won’t fully understand the idea of the “two things” rule? Laminate some cards or buy little tokens. Each child gets two at the beginning of bedtime, and they trade them in as they use them.’

Sibling Staggering

Instead of putting everyone to sleep all at once, try staggering bedtime. The little ones go to bed together, then the slightly older ones, and then the oldest crew. You don’t need a huge break between groups — even 10 to 15 minutes is enough. This lets you give extra attention to the littlest children who need it, and lets the older ones feel “big.”

Another perk to sibling staggering? It gives you time with the older ones, who may be overlooked in the hustle and bustle of getting the little ones ready for bed.

Five-Minute Bathroom Rotation

Four children crowd into the bathroom. Two are trying to brush their teeth, one is holding his pajamas, and the last really needs to use the bathroom. Sounds familiar?

Try setting an alarm for five minutes before each child uses the bathroom, and challenge them to race the clock. Got more than one bathroom? Make each bathroom its own station: one for brushing teeth, one for using the bathroom, and a third for changing.

Calm Parents

When you’re stressed, your kids are stressed, too. Children take their emotional cues from their parents, so if you stay calm, they will, too. Try these three tips to keep bedtime running smoothly:

Slow down. Your kids will match your energy and calm down, too.

Keep your voice down. Sometimes, a whisper is louder than a shout.

Notice the small things, like praising kids for coming to the bathroom the first time you called.

Remember: The Goal Isn’t Perfection

So you followed all the tips, and bedtime is still a battle sometimes. That’s not failure — it’s just family. Some nights will work perfectly, while others will flop. Anything can derail your bedtime routine, from a bad day in school to a scraped knee. It’s okay, and it’s normal.

The important thing is to establish a predictable and intentional structure. When the kids know what’s coming, when you have tools to fall back on, and when everyone winds down together, bedtime becomes less of a battle.

Lailah tov!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 973)