“Every one of us should start every day giving ourselves a standing ovation”

Keep Growing [ABY / Issue 982]

As someone who’s been dating for many years, I’ve had my fair share of dating guys who are either emotionally immature or emotionally unavailable. Kudos to this “Yoni” for being open to feedback and for being willing to see a weakness that he had! Through no fault of his own, being raised by parents who didn’t teach or display healthy emotional awareness, he had come to be an adult with minimal emotional depth. The thing is, that’s where many people stop their growth and say, well, that’s the way I was raised, or that’s totally normal. I myself was raised by parents who weren’t able to teach me how to recognize and handle emotions, but I learned in my adulthood, through therapy, reading, and wanting more from my life.

Keep growing and learning about yourself. It’s the best investment for yourself and your future spouse and children!

Name Withheld

Boys and Girls [ABY / Issue 982]

I enjoyed reading Rachel Burnham’s insightful and meaningful columns. As a shadchan, I think her advice is spot-on. I think it’s important to remember, though, that the scenario depicted in this past week’s column can apply equally to boys and girls.  Although the column detailed something that often happens with boys in dating, girls can play an equal role in the “plateauing” phenomenon. It’s important for both boys and girls to seek out the advice of someone who speaks to both parties — and not just one — who can advise based on seeing and hearing the larger picture, and not just half of it. I’d love to hear Mrs. Burnham address dating couples who are “plateauing,” where the girl has an active role to play in the process. The good news is that both boys and girls can help each other rise above the plateau.  Please share some more techniques!

A Reader

We Deserve a Standing Ovation [Fiction / Issue 982]

I’m writing in response to the fiction story about a mother who was horrified that her work-from-home daughter was struggling to juggle her children, home, and job to the point where her home was borderline dysfunctional. Can we take a moment to appreciate and applaud how much our women are managing to do? Does it take a read like this to notice that keeping it together on the most minimal level is absolutely monumental! Besides holding down a job, bathing children every night, making Shabbos every week, and feeding the baby on time... we’re also showing up to parent-teacher conferences, remembering trip monies, permission slips, keeping track of library books and davening charts. We’re making sure our children have clothing, shoes, glasses, braces, haircuts, school supplies and snacks! We take them (and ourselves) regularly to doctors and dentists. We’re managing our homes — there’s food in the fridge, clean clothing to wear, a couch to sit on, shampoo in the shower.  We’re making simchahs, designing shalach manos, making Yom Tov, entertaining children on snow days. I think every one of us should start every day giving ourselves a standing ovation and a serious round of applause.

Name Withheld

Band-Aid Solution [Fiction / Issue 982]

I was moved by this story because I, too, really struggle with juggling everything and I feel that sometimes we’re a bit dysfunctional, too.

But I also disagree with the protagonist’s take — that she needs to do more to help her daughter. That’s a Band-Aid solution. Her daughter is an adult who is struggling to manage her life. The solution to her not managing isn’t to lean on her mother, especially a mother who lives on the other side of the country; it’s to learn better executive functioning skills, consult with an organizational expert who can help develop a system, and get consistent home help.

Name Withheld

It’s a Dichotomy [Reflections / Issue 982]

This week’s Reflections about a heroic mother who refused to take the blame for her children’s mental health conditions surely brought much relief to many mothers. The thought that our lack of attunement, our limitations, our mistakes, can seriously hurt our children, is a terrifying one. Hearing that there are so many other issues that could be the cause of children’s struggles is reassuring.

In the first session of my trauma-informed parenting groups, I always tell the mothers the following: Here, we will get support in order to show up for our children in the best way possible. Using research, using Torah, we will learn how to use our limited human energy to do our best to raise the healthiest children and to cause the least damage. There are many things we can and should do in order to contribute to our children’s mental health.

And there is no guarantee. Hashem runs the world, and there are many other factors that contribute to a child’s well-being. Mrs. Radcliffe so wisely says at the end of the article, “The mother who does what she can humanly do is doing enough.”

The topic of parenting impacting children, and children struggling despite good parents, is a nuanced one. It’s possible that Mimi, the mother in the story, legitimately couldn’t give her healthy daughter Lindsay more attention — and yet, she was affected. It’s sad that Mimi was unable to give her more, but Lindsay’s pain is still valid.

To say, “The mother isn’t at fault, therefore the daughter shouldn’t be in pain,” is invalidating and inaccurate. The mother was limited, did the best she could, and the daughter is grieving an unmet need.

Mothers are human and therefore limited. Often, parenting requires acceptance that I can’t give my children everything I know they would ideally need. But I can, and must, try my best. Sometimes my best includes taking a break. Sometimes my best includes less-than-ideal interventions. And there can be grief in that.

There’s this constant dichotomy of responsibility to try my best, and awareness that Hashem gave my children a human mother who has limitations. When mothers harness the support they need, to be able to parent from a grounded, knowledgeable place, they can truly say that they are doing what they humanly can. And then, they can trust that they’ve done their hishtadlus and that the results are up to Hashem.

Tzipora Schiffer, LCSW, Monsey, NY

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 984)