“Bottom line, if a couple wants independence, they’ll work for it”

Unfair Portrayal [POV / Issue 980]

When I saw the cover of Family First, asking if couples grow wings or are weighed down by starting off here, I was deeply saddened.

“Weighed down?” Isn’t that presenting the possibility of starting off here as something negative? What about the whopping zechus of living in Hashem’s kingdom? What about the wholesomeness of being in a place where the focus is so high, and the ruchniyus is here for you to grab on to? What about being able to jump on a bus and daven at the holiest site we have left? What about the fact that you get sechar for every daled amos you walk here?

How unfair it was to write: It’s a Land that tests you. Go ask any newlywed for stories of their first apartments... that can happen all over... it’s the land that embraces, like a loving mother. I’m not saying that it doesn’t come with challenges. But do you know how many amazing Anglo communities there are here? Many kids are thriving. It’s unfair to give a general, overall opinion of chinuch in Eretz Yisrael, unless you’ve done truly unbiased and extensive research.

There are tons of pieces that go into making this very big decision. There’s the emotional, financial, physical, and technical aspects that have to be seriously weighed. But shouldn’t we consider possibly starting out/settling here... as a gorgeous gift that is definitely something we would love to/do aspire for?

The story of the meraglim changed our course of history. Look at the sechar Kalev and Yehoshua got for speaking well on Hashem’s beloved Land.

My sisters out there: Come to Beitar and join me for a kumzitz with hot cocoa, marshmallows, and my guitar. We can sing together one of my favorite oldies, “Where can you find, a wall in the world, when you touch it, it touches you....”

Faigi Weiss (Gross)

Beitar Illit

We Didn’t Learn  [POV / Issue 980]

This article would have been much more appropriate in the issue for parshas Beshalach, when the spies return from scouting the Land, and the people debate and decry the possibility of moving to Israel.

Of course, the debate in and of itself made them unworthy to live there.

It’s sad that in over 3,300 years, we haven’t risen above this, and even worse substituted the fear of mortal danger with inconvenience and, even worse, made this a valid argument in a “frum” magazine.

Rosally Saltsman

Petach Tikvah

Missing Perspectives [POV / Issue 980]

I felt this piece lacked actual tales from the trenches on both ends. Sure, many middle-aged people can point fingers at the “sipping and swiping” culture as they call it, be it Ramat Eshkol or the streets of Lakewood. But why don’t we actually hear from the girls and women themselves?

As a young wife and mother married for several years, I have a handful of friends and family members who are living in Israel, each living quite differently from each other.

Personally, my husband and I lived near our parents during shanah rishonah. We then relocated to another community within the Tristate area, distant from both our families, eager to join a young neighborhood with more opportunities for my husband’s learning, and jobs for both of us. We found all of that, and more.

Being both more independently natured, we settled quickly and initiated friendships and a group that has lasted last until now.

We’ve been through plenty and continue to experience the beautiful life Hashem crafted for us, and have turned to our rabbanim and family for support when needed and when we felt the load was too heavy for us alone.

Typical marital conflict, financial strain, hiccups in parenting, job hunting, spontaneous decisions, and investing in our relationship are all things that we’ve encountered and will continue to... regardless of the fact we’re on the same shores as our parents.

Flipping the script, I connect often with my friends living 6,000 miles away. One has helpful support from her parents, yet works demanding hours in an industry she doesn’t have particular interest for, but it pays the bills and allows her husband to learn the entire day.

Another friend is more financially restricted and works two jobs while always seeking another opportunity. She stresses about this arrangement often and views her stay in Israel as day by day.

A third is being completely supported and then some — and her parents justify the luxurious accommodations as she enjoys a self-paced educational program to earn a degree. We all know she struggles to keep herself busy, and to us, she’s living a fairytale. So much for learning independence, they say. But I stop myself when I think about her that way because she’s absolutely going on the same roller coasters we all do and will.

Bottom line, if a couple wants independence, they’ll work for it. And if they don’t, they simply won’t. Whether a couple lives around the corner from familiarity or miles away from it, building a foundation of a marriage and maintaining its care is hard, holy, and oh-so-rewarding work.

B. R.

New Jersey

Moving Tribute [Real Life / Issue 980]

Dear Forever-Mama,

Thank you for sharing this beautiful, gut-wrenching, magnificent love letter to your child, to motherhood. Your moving tribute will stay with me. Once a mother always a mother. Motherhood is defined by selfless overpowering love, not numbers. May your bechor be a meilitz yosher for all of Klal Yisrael.

Chaya F.

If He Wills It [Musings / Issue 980]

I ,too, didn’t grow up with the segulah of giving tzedakah to Rabi Meir Baal Haneis to find lost objects. However, several years ago, I was conversing with a chassidishe rebbetzin who lives in my neighborhood and the topic of lost objects came up. She said that the idea of saying “Amar Rabi Binyamin…” is to help you understand that if Hashem wants you to find the lost object, He will. No amount of searching will bring about finding the lost object if Hashem doesn’t want you to find it.

Since then, every time I, or someone in my family, has lost something, we say the tefillah, whether the actual nusach, or my own version which goes something like, “Hashem, everyone is considered blind, unless you open up our eyes and help us find what is lost.” And then I think and feel with all my heart that Hashem can open my eyes and help me find what I lost if He so wills it.

It’s been pretty amazing to see how this works, whether just by saying the tefillah, or in combination with pledging tzedakah. I can recall countless incidents where I found what I was looking for very quickly after. Most recently, my teenage daughter dropped her ring in a public school auditorium while practicing for her school play. She immediately searched for it in the place she dropped it, but to no avail. When she came home, I told her that she can promise to give tzedakah to Rabi Meir Baal Haneis, but she also has to say and believe with all her heart that if Hashem wants her to find it, she will. Lo and behold, on the night of the play, a girl came over to her and handed her the ring. She had somehow found it lying in the auditorium!

S. C.

Toms River, NJ 

Alternative Ending [Lifetakes / Issue 980]

Dear Chana Rochel,

I read your piece, “If You Give a Shadchan Your Résumé” and appreciated the wry humor behind it. But from one single girl to (presumably) another, I also want you to know that the story could have gone very, very differently — and I mean differently in a good way.

Here’s what could have happened instead.

If you give a shadchan your résumé, she’ll ask you for a picture — just for her records. You’ll immediately send one over — a nice one, don’t get me wrong — but one that is informal enough that she’d never dream of passing it onward.

When you send her the picture, she’ll probably ask you for a more formal photo. You’ll casually explain that because you’re not on board with photos being shared with mothers of boys (or the boys themselves for that matter), you’re comfortable with your original picture being the one that shadchanim have for themselves.

She’ll insist that sometimes it really does help for a mother to see a picture — after all, if she (maybe?) knows what kind of looks do and don’t work for her son, then an unnecessary one-and-done date will be able to be eliminated. You’ll politely respond that you believe that making decisions based on 2D images for the sole sake of convenience cheapens the dignity of our girls, and that although you’ve been single for some time already, you’d rather get a no for being pictureless — or get a pictureless yes and fly in from out of town for a possibly one-and-done date — than lower your standards.

She’ll go quiet, then, the shadchan, for a second or two. And then she’ll say, “You know, this is just how it works nowadays. It’s not good to be difficult in shidduchim.”

And it’ll be your turn to go quiet after that, because you’ll know she’s only saying these things out of care and concern and maybe a shadow of general frustration. But then, very respectfully — because it’s not good to be difficult in shidduchim — you’ll answer, “I really appreciate all the work you do. I know it’s not an easy process for anyone involved, and everyone only means well. But Hashem runs the world, and I know that He will help me find my zivug without me participating in something with which rabbanim are deeply unhappy.”

And then you’ll go on your way, dignity intact, hishtadlus very much complete.

Name Withheld

Medication-Free Treatment [The Science of Sleep / Issue 980]

I really appreciated Batya Sherizen’s excellent article on what sleep deprivation does to the body and brain. It did a wonderful job highlighting why sleep is so essential and why it deserves far more attention than it usually gets.

One thought I had while reading was about people who already take sleep very seriously and still struggle. For individuals with insomnia, the issue often isn’t motivation or education. Many are spending long hours in bed, exhausted, and trying hard to get enough sleep. For this group, articles that emphasize the consequences of poor sleep can sometimes increase anxiety about “getting enough sleep,” which can actually make sleep more difficult.

That doesn’t take away from the importance of this kind of education, but it does highlight the need to pair it with information about solutions. There’s an effective, evidence-based treatment for insomnia called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insomnia (CBT-I). It is the gold-standard, non-medication treatment, and helps people break the cycle of sleep anxiety and conditioned arousal that keeps insomnia going.

Rocheli Sternheim LCSW, (CBT-I) Specialist

Still Lingers [When Kindness Blossoms / Issue 978]

I’ve been looking forward to reading this annual feature ever since last year’s Tu B’Shevat issue. Each story is so heartwarming and truly inspires me to continue thinking of others and doing more acts of kindness.

Here is one kindness that was done for me many months ago, yet its impact still remains.

I teach fifth grade and last June I took my students on a class trip to Richmond Town — on what was probably the hottest day of the year. Naturally, we were concerned that all the girls stay hydrated and safe, as we were outdoors for most of the trip. As their teacher, I felt a strong responsibility to ensure their well-being. Baruch Hashem, we had a wonderful day and everyone returned home safe and sound.

I walked into my house at 4:15, pleasantly tired after a full and enjoyable day. About 20 minutes later, there was a knock at my door. Standing there was one of my students, holding an ice-cold cup of limonana with the words “#1 Teacher” written on it.

I was touched beyond words. It was exactly what I needed — so unexpected, yet so deeply appreciated.

Thank you, Rosie. Your kindness still lingers.

R.M.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 981)