“With all the talk these days about mental health, this is one piece I don’t hear people say out loud very often”

It Stings [Windows / Issue 979]

I teared up reading Ashira Becker’s essay about wanting to be invited and included, even though she sometimes chickens out at the last minute because she’s scared she’ll say the wrong thing or do something awkward. I felt so seen in that line. That’s me, too. I’ve always wondered if what I have is social anxiety, and reading her words made me feel like someone finally put a name to it.

With all the talk these days about mental health, this is one piece I don’t hear people say out loud very often. Hearing her say it was a huge relief. I want the same things she describes — to sit at an event and just know what to say, when to laugh, how to slide into a conversation without later replaying every moment in my head on the drive home. This was hard when I was a teenager, it was brutal when I was dating (though baruch Hashem, I still found my bashert), and now, as a wife and mother, I can sometimes hide behind being “busy.” But the truth is, it still stings.

What really gets me is seeing bits of this in my kids. It breaks my heart to watch them hesitate about school events, shy away from playdates, or avoid inviting friends over.

Ashira, reading your piece made me feel like we’re in this together. Maybe it’s time we actually do something about it — for ourselves and for our kids. I’m in. Let’s go!

Name Withheld

You’re a Hero [Know This / Issue 979]

I’m writing to the mother of the neurodivergent child who is working so, so hard to hold it together and is feeling judged.

You’re an absolute hero. Mothering is challenging in the best of situations, and when your child is reactive and dangerous, there is never a moment’s respite. You have my utmost respect for keeping it together, for showing up for all your children, for working so hard to keep everyone safe without hurting anyone.

May Hashem bentsh you with all the strength you need, and may you be blessed to see the positive outcome of your efforts!

Tzipora Schiffer, LCSW

Monsey, NY

My Story [Smells Like Danger / Issue 978]

I was truly thrilled to read the article about artificial fragrances. It’s literally the story my life — an allergy that doesn’t follow any rules, that’s almost impossible to get diagnosed, and that no one seems to understand. My MCAS was caused by my chemical sensitivity and mold, so I was halfway there already when stress caused the MCAS to appear.

The saddest thing about this disease is that I can’t go anywhere anymore. My son and family are in Israel, but I can’t get on a plane. I haven’t been to shul for probably 20 years (not even Rosh Hashanah… my husband blows shofar for me) because I can’t control that environment — too many people, so many smells. I restrict myself to going to just nieces’ and nephews’ weddings, but I pay for it for weeks after. I wear a mask everywhere.

Thank you, Lori and Family First, for bringing this out into the open! I suspect there are a lot of us with undiagnosed MCAS out there.

Surella Baer

Teaneck, NJ

Every Container Has a Lid [Editor’s Letter / Issue 978]

Dear Mrs. Milstein,

Thank you so much for your very validating editorial on plastic lids. I was relieved to see that there is another human being out there with the same frustrations. I was somewhat able to resolve some of the problem with the following fix, but it involves foresight and patience.

When I purchase a new sleeve of plastic containers, I grab my handy permanent marker and label all the lids and containers with the same symbol (“A,” “1,” etc.). The next sleeve gets a different symbol. With a little siyata d’Shmaya, the same lids and containers will end up together when you need to store something, and hopefully, all the “A” lids will fit on the “A” containers.

Yocheved Parnes

Personal Air Purifier [Smells Like Danger / Issue 978]

I felt so validated by the article on the toxicity of artificial fragrances. It’s a real problem that no one believes exists, and that’s painful. I end up with a four-day debilitating headache if I smell perfume, or plastic, or rubber, or something.

I bought a personal air purifier called an air tamer. Apparently, the components of a scent that cause reactions are VOCs (volatile organic compounds), and the air purifier cleans the air in your airspace so you don’t breathe in the VOCs. It hangs from a necklace, and I make sure to wear it if I’m going somewhere that might be a problem.

Another thing that has helped me is to put peppermint essential oil mixed with a carrier oil under my nose. It makes me smell like peppermint, so I only do that if I can’t use the air purifier.

I noticed that taking B-complex vitamin improved this a lot. Then I found out that my thyroid numbers were off, and fixing that really made it a lot better. I hope this can help someone.

Name Withheld

Let’s Join Together [Smells Like Danger / Issue 978]

I was so relieved to see the story about toxic artificial fragrances. I have allergies and asthma and suffer just like the writer of the article. I want to form a group of people in Israel, and Jerusalem in particular, to organize a campaign with a petition and hopefully supportive doctors, to try to have the local hospitals, kupot cholim, and government buildings stop using the perfumed air conditioner fragrance additions in all public health settings and government offices. It’s so problematic now even in the waiting area of the lung department in Hadassah Ein Kerem hospital. The toxic fragrance pumping out of the air conditioner was burning my lungs and causing me asthma.

If enough of us organize a good campaign, I believe we have a good chance of stopping this problem. I can be contacted through Family First.

D.S.

On Round Two [Lifetakes / Issue 976]

I’m responding to the Lifetakes article about a woman who took on to recite Nishmas. Since I’m currently reciting Nishmas for a refuah sheleimah for a friend of mine, I’d like to share some insights on past experiences. I’ve been there, done that, and I want to share that setting up a daily reminder can decrease the possibility of forgetting. I’m saying Nishmas together with a group, and so far, we’re making it to the finish line of round two.

When my phone rings in the early afternoon to remind me, I won’t dismiss the reminder until I get confirmation from my partners that they have completed Nishmas for the day, too. There are days where I’ll text someone at 1 a.m. to remind them just so I can shut off my annoying phone alarm!

On the other hand, the chizuk I got from doing this was tremendous. At the end of my first 40-day cycle, the choleh reached a miraculous milestone on that exact day. That was a big eye-opener and encouraged me to continue, even though it takes a lot of time and effort.

I’m truly impressed that the writer, Aliza Hornstein, got to 100 days despite the difficulty, and I wish her a quick yeshuah, too. I also want to encourage anyone else that can to take this upon themselves for a few minutes a day. It does take a lot, but I’ve seen the results pay off, though not after one round, necessarily.

A Pro-Nishmas Teenager

Vegan Can Be Hearty [Dinner Diaries / Issue 976]

I read “Dinner Diaries Goes Vegan” and wanted to share some feedback. While I appreciate your interest in featuring vegan content, I must admit the article was a real disappointment to me. I was a vegetarian for over 30 years and have been vegan for almost 15 years, and I felt that the dinner items presented gave a misleading impression of what a vegan can and does eat.

As someone who has prepared vegan family dinners for many years, I was also concerned that some of the meals presented didn’t appear sufficiently filling or nutritionally balanced for a family setting, and might leave readers with the impression that vegan meals are inherently light or incomplete.

Vegan meals can be warm, familiar, hearty, and accessible, especially to a frum readership. I make satisfying vegan versions of traditional favorites such as stuffed cabbage, matzah ball soup, and other well-loved dishes — all fully vegan.

Rivka

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 980)