“Sometimes it seems that people forget that chinuch is an inherently difficult task”

Not Goodbye Yet [Lifetakes / Issue 978]

I enjoyed reading Tzippy Goldhar’s honest concerns about sending her youngest off on a bus and the impending conclusion of the homework years. A lot of what she described sounded familiar to me. But I want her to know that a lot of her fears are unfounded. As your kids get older, they may not need you so much in the physical sense — they can get themselves dressed, feed themselves, watch themselves without a babysitter, put themselves to bed (well, maybe not that). But you will find, as they become teenagers and then young adults and hopefully young spouses and parents, that they need you just as much, if not more, than ever. The era of “shared confidences and dreams” won’t be over just because they know how to cook on their own.

Kids need parents. Young parents need their parents. Even young grandmothers need their mothers. For advice, for reassurance, for reality checks. For an honest opinion whether the sheitel, the dress, or the paint color is working. No one else in the world cares the same way and no one else in the world is as invested in a child’s success. There may be a few years when our teenagers forget that, or pretend to forget it, but it never goes away.

So don’t say goodbye to nighttime DMCs with your kids just yet. In just a few years you might find yourself talking your daughter through a complex dating parshah at 2 a.m., or counseling your son through his oldest child’s first ear infection after you thought the day was over, or talking your super-competent married daughter through her own school bus emotions.

Happy parenting!

Blumie R.

Also an “Other” [Know This / Issue 978]

“Because choosing this life — as beautiful as it is — rather than being born into it, creates a sense of being slightly ‘other’ that never fully disappears. I’ve had people tell me, ‘You chose this life, so you can’t complain.’ And that hurts.”

These words, from the Know This last week about a woman who changed communities, really resonated with me. Even though I’m an FFB, I live in Israel, in a community that’s more chareidi than the one I grew up in, and I often feel “other,” that I don’t fully understand how things work, and I will always be a foreigner.

I remember my first feeling of humiliation, when the ganenet told me that my daughter was going to be yaldat hashavua, girl of the week. Where I come from, girl of the week means star student. When I heard this, I hugged my daughter and gushed, “Well done, I’m so proud of you.” I gathered from the odd look the ganenet gave me that I’d misunderstood. Turns out that in Israel, girl of the week isn’t recognition of an achievement, it’s a way for the teacher to give students extra attention by appointing a student to be her helper.

This article was also a good reminder to be more sensitive to people who are new to the community, or new to Yiddishkeit.

Dina Cohen

Makes Scents [Smells Like Danger / Issue 978]

Thank you so much for the article on synthetic fragrances. While the condition you mentioned is rare and really interesting, I wanted to share another angle. Even people without a diagnosed sensitivity are affected by synthetic fragrances in some way.

Over the past year, I’ve been making a real effort to remove scented products from my home, including diffusers, toiletries, laundry detergent, and cleaning products. I did not expect to notice such a big difference, but I really did. I have fewer headaches, my skin feels calmer, and I generally feel better day to day. Once those scents were gone, I realized how often my body had been reacting without me being fully aware of it.

I think many people do not realize how much these fragrances can affect them. Things like frequent headaches, skin irritation, or just feeling run-down can sometimes be linked to scented products. Because the effects are often mild or gradual, people rarely make the connection.

Name Withheld

It’s About Communication [Inbox / Issue 978]

I read the recent letter describing a mother’s decision not to engage when her son’s yeshivah gedolah reached out, and I’d like to respectfully respond. I understand the logic of stepping back when a child turns 18, but I don’t believe that a school calling a parent automatically means helicopter parenting.

Sometimes, a school reaches out not to ask for the parents’ intervention, but to communicate with them. Or perhaps they’re going behind the bochur’s back to protect his dignity. Whatever it is, I don’t think it should be a question whether to be involved or uninvolved, but how to remain connected with our children and their places of chinuch without taking over.

Another Mother in Eretz Yisrael

Are They Getting Enough to Eat? [Family Living / Issue 977]

I enjoyed reading the roundup of doctor advice. They were so practical and many felt especially relevant as I’m baruch Hashem newly postpartum.

My wonderful sister-in-law, who is a doctor as well as a mother of five children, imparted these words of wisdom after I had my first child and was worried about whether he was eating enough. I replay these words in my head almost daily, and have told them to many others: “If they’re regularly wetting or dirtying their diaper, they’re getting enough!”

I hope these words can be a calming mantra to other women out there.

Name Withheld

We Have to Talk [Hi, It’s the School Calling… Again / Issue 977]

Having been on both sides of those dreaded phone calls, I know the pain and fear on the parents’ part as well as the frustration for the school. Sometimes it seems that people forget that chinuch is an inherently difficult task.

Schools who make a fuss about everything lose the parents’ trust. And a principal or teacher must be prepared to go the extra mile to handle a student. There’s a balance to running a school effectively and at the same time recognizing that children aren’t robots.

Ultimately, though, it’s the parents’ job to raise their children, so if we hand them over to the care of others, we must be willing to actively support our children’s success in that environment.

Sending a child to school when they’re not equipped to succeed erodes the child’s self-esteem, which will likely affect them tremendously in the future. This isn’t a theoretical or exaggerated idea; I’ve seen it happen too many times.

B. Schuster

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 979)