“In general, red flags aren’t usually missed, rather they’re dismissed”

Damaging Message [Family Living / Issue 971]

I was disturbed to see the Chanukah gift recommendations — particularly items such as girls’ slippers for $85, described as something “all girls want.” For many families — especially in the current economic climate — suggestions of high-priced, nonessential items can inadvertently contribute to feelings of pressure, inadequacy, or the sense that “this is what everyone else is buying.” It risks normalizing luxury-priced items.

S. Lieberman

Modiin Illit

Glass Dulls Knives  [Family Table / Issue 970]

In your Shoppable column, one of the suggested items to gift is a decorative glass cutting board.

May I suggest that they be gifted only in a frame that can be hung on the wall and not used to actually cut anything? I used to love glass cutting boards. Just like the suggestion calls it, they certainly can be a gorgeous work of art. And I thought — what could be more sanitary than a glass cutting board? No lines and grooves and stains from food who knows how old.

Eventually I noticed my knives were about as effective as the edge of a spatula. I could barely slice a carrot. Then I learned the truth — glass cutting boards dull knives.

But they do look pretty on the wall.

Penina Steinbruch

Don’t Dismiss Red Flags [Connections / Issue 969]

The concerns raised by the mother who asked if she should push her daughter to end a shidduch that she, the mother, is uncomfortable about, may be legitimate and valid.

Close family members often pick up on myriad little cues more easily than the person preoccupied with the date. Even the little cues may matter because they tell us about the date’s personality. They’re the drumbeat that quietly plays under the vocals of a person’s lifestyle, occupation, and achievements. This can be important because personality drives behavior.

In general, red flags aren’t usually missed, rather they’re dismissed. When a person is in the early stages of dating and emotions are running high it can be easy to rationalize these red flags or even misinterpret controlling behaviors as caring.

While it is certainly important to be aware of early red flags, it’s even more important to learn how to become aware of when you feel uncomfortable around someone.

Teaching girls to trust their gut instinct (our send brain) empowers them to stand in their own truth, because when something seems off, chances are that it is.

In the circumstance that this parent raises it can be helpful to pose the following question to their child: “Would you be interested in hearing what I have to say about this shidduch?”

This approach brings the parent into a dynamic of permission.

The question isn’t being asked to break off the shidduch, but rather to get the adult child to stop for a minute and to remember that they’re in fact interviewing candidates for the most important position in their life. Thus, the parent is making the conversation collaborative and slowly getting their child’s thought processes working, nudging her out of a possible position of being stuck.

As the conversation continues, the parent can ask: “What do you like about him?”

Don’t be the expert; you’re just attempting to foster self-awareness in the conversation.

A parent listing their own personal dislikes can more often than not cause the adult child to run to their date’s defense and the parent is right back where they started.

It can sometimes be difficult to get a young person to talk, but if a parent focuses on remaining a constant positive presence in their child’s life, showing them that they love them, their child will trust them to be the person they can come to without judement and fear.

Rosie Steiner

Specialist Counsellor 

B.Couns. GCBCI

It’s All in the Introduction [Finding Home / Issue 969]

I enjoyed reading your article “Finding Home” — about a mother who gave up her baby with Down syndrome, but ended up bringing him back home — while holding my precious six-month-old baby with Down syndrome in my arms. I wish all readers only healthy and lichtige children. But should Hashem bless someone with a special child, I want to share a short message — especially now that your article has opened a comfortable and much-needed space for this discussion.

From my experience, it’s crucial for family and friends to be promptly informed not only about the baby’s arrival, but also about the diagnosis and the attitude the parents expect — from themselves and from those around them. A clear, positive announcement can shape how relatives absorb and react to the news and prevent awkward moments, insensitive comments, well-intentioned but misplaced sympathy, and unnecessary grief or tears.

A Mother of a Baby with Down Syndrome

There Are Ways to Do It [Finding Home / Issue 969]

The story of the woman who gave her child to foster care brought up a lot of emotions for me. I work as the director of Pillar Support, a program of Hamaspik of Kings County, that provides information, support, and guidance to parents of children with special needs during the initial stages of diagnosis. I’m also raising two wonderful foster children with special needs.

The first thing I felt was sadness. Sadness for a young mother who was abruptly thrust into a difficult situation, feeling scared and overwhelmed. Sadness about the way in which the foster placement was carried out. That this woman found herself “three days after birth… in a brown-and-gray office, signing reams and reams of papers.”

“ ‘We’ll find a family for him,’ the lady on the other side of the desk told me,” she wrote. “She’d clearly said it many times before, and her smile was mechanical. But so was I. My hand just kept signing papers, and I gave her a meaningless smile in return before I left.”

Giving birth to a child with special needs triggers so many thoughts and feelings. Every parent deserves a place where they can work through the tangle of emotions, gain valuable information, and be supported by someone objective.

I often speak to parents just hours after they got the diagnosis that rocks the foundation of their universe. We talk.

Sometimes they have dozens of questions, and I try to answer them as thoroughly as I can. Often, the decision of whether to bring a child home is rooted in fear; we try to dispel that fear with information and clarity. We speak about the joys and challenges of raising a child with special needs — and what other options are available when it seems that the parents can’t take their child home.

Sometimes they need to cry, and I listen to their grief and fear.

Sometimes they want to speak to someone else whose child has the exact same rare syndromes that their child does, and then I do my best to find such a person for them — or at least someone who is traveling a similar path so they can speak to parents a few years ahead of them and get a sense of what life might look like with this child.

Every child deserves to be loved unconditionally. If a mother is in a place where she can’t provide that love, then it may be best for her to let her child be raised, short-term or long-term, by someone who can.

Yet even if that’s the step being taken, there are ways to do it and ways to do it.

One thing I strongly recommend is not to rush into any decision. When you’re hormonal and devastated, it’s not a good time to make life-altering choices. There are always temporary steps you can take to buy yourself time so you can make this decision from a place of strength, not panic.

One more point that I feel needs clarification. In the article, the mother wrote, “Chaim’s foster parents were devastated at our decision. They weren’t just doing this for the generous monthly government stipend they received — they genuinely loved him and wanted to keep him.” It’s a myth that foster parents are handsomely compensated for their efforts. In reality, the stipend rarely covers the expenses, much less lines anyone’s pockets. Foster parents choose to foster because they want to share their homes and their hearts with another child.

Raising a child with special needs can be very challenging. It can also be enormously rewarding. If you, or someone you know, is at a crossroads, or simply at the beginning of the path, filled with trepidation and worry, reach out for support.

Surie Morgenstern

Director of Pillar Support

A project of Hamaspik of King’s County

Our Brave English Staff [Words Unspoken / Issue 968]

I was surprised there was so little feedback on the Words Unspoken about the English teacher being unsupported in the classroom, which I find to be a nationwide problem in many of our yeshivish schools. English teachers are, more often than not, mocked, treated with chutzpah, and have their subject matter completely ignored.

It takes heroic efforts to walk into a classroom of 25+ rambunctious boys who have no interest in taking part in your carefully planned lessons. Yes, we know the boys have already sat through hours of kodesh classes, but that’s no excuse for the complete lack of derech eretz given to Jewish and non-Jewish teachers alike.

Unless the hanhalah and parents work together to give strong support to the chol teachers, students will continue to take advantage of the lax discipline. Parents, please stop excusing your sons’ behavior and support their schools’ brave, dedicated English staff!

Besides, aren’t good middos and kavod habriyos characteristics we wish to instill in our children for life?

Name Withheld

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 973)