When your child is struggling, don’t just ask, “What’s wrong with my child’s skills?” Also ask, “Is there anything going on in my child’s body?

Not Just for the Elderly [Think Ahead / Issue 970]

I read your article on dementia prevention with great interest. One line in particular stopped me in my tracks: the observation that hearing and vision loss can isolate people and quietly shut them out of the world around them.

As a developmental audiologist, that’s the kind of “small” thing that changes the whole story in the work I do every day.

We now have strong research showing that untreated hearing loss isn’t just a nuisance of aging, but the single largest modifiable risk factor for dementia, responsible for more preventable cases than any other factor identified so far (The Lancet). In other words, hearing loss shouldn’t be hiding under the heading of “social isolation”; it’s the main contributor to that isolation in the first place (PubMed Central), even if the person isn’t homebound.

That “tree versus forest” problem is exactly what I see every day with children. When a child struggles in school, the system is excellent at seeing the forest of academic symptoms:

low reading scores

poor spelling

trouble copying from the board

“inattentive,” “daydreaming,” or “behavior problems”

Teams will often run a battery of academic and psychological tests to describe where the child is falling behind. But very often, no one has stepped back to ask the most basic “tree” questions:

Can this child hear speech clearly in a real classroom, not just in a quiet nurse’s office screening?

Do their ears and brain process rapid speech, multiple speakers, and background noise efficiently (auditory processing), or is everything coming in blurred and jumbled?

Do their eyes not only see 20/20 on a chart, but also track smoothly across a line of print, team together, and focus without fatigue?

Are there signs of neurological immaturity, like retained primitive reflexes or poor postural control, that make sitting still, writing, and paying attention physically exhausting?

When those underlying systems aren’t doing their job, children absolutely will struggle with reading, math, and behavior. But if we only measure the academic output, we see the forest, miss the tree, and then blame the child’s “motivation,” “effort,” or “personality” for what is, at root, a physiological roadblock.

That’s why your line about hearing and vision isolating older adults felt so important to me. The very same issue that can leave a grandparent out of the conversation and increase dementia risk in later life can, in childhood, leave a first-grader out of classroom learning long before anyone calls it a “disability.”

I’d like to offer this simple mindset shift:

When your child is struggling, don’t just ask, “What’s wrong with my child’s skills?” Also ask, “Is there anything going on in my child’s body (ears, eyes, neurological maturity, muscle functions, etc.) that makes learning harder than it has to be?” When these pieces are addressed, children don’t just get better grades; they finally feel seen, safe, and understood.

Whether it’s an adult living with Alzheimer’s whose sudden decline is actually an undiagnosed UTI, or a child falling behind in class, they are best served when we pause and ask: “Could there be a physical reason this person is struggling, and who can help me find it?”

Chanie Monoker, CCC-A

Developmental Audiologist

47 Favors Too Many [Second Guessing / Issue 969]

I found it difficult to understand the protagonist’s perspective that her neighbor coming to expect a weekly favor was a boundary cross. The protagonist acknowledged that she personally wasn’t doing much for this favor — her husband was carrying the boxes, and he was already going to the pickup location for his own packages anyway. He was happy to help the other family. All she needed to do was allow the boxes to sit on her porch. It also sounded like the favor served a meaningful purpose, allowing the other family’s child, who was struggling in school, to learn with his father. The relationship didn’t come across as one-sided; in fact, it seems the other family had helped her on multiple occasions. It’s fair for her to say that hosting the boxes no longer works for her, but it’s hard to see where any actual boundary was violated.

What did seem like a boundary issue was the way she described giving her daughter her “47th” cup of water at night. I assume (hope) that number was an exaggeration, but it does seem that on a nightly basis her daughter is placing an unfair burden on a mother who is already exhausted.

I was also struck by the description of dinnertime. The protagonist appears to put effort into creating an enjoyable meal for her family, only to be met with constant bickering, making the dinner table an unpleasant place for her.

It was especially sad to read how she feels treated by her teenage children. She sounds like a caring mother who tries to meet her children’s needs, yet she describes being driven to the verge of tears by their criticism. Hearing the daughter attribute her own social difficulties to “poor mothering” seemed completely unacceptable.

One could easily wonder whether the protagonist is feeling unappreciated, misused, and mistreated by her children on a regular basis — and whether, at the end of a hard day, those feelings were unintentionally projected onto the nearest target: the neighbor’s boxes.

S.A.P.

Something to Be Proud of [Quick Q / Issue 969]

I felt the need to write in about the Quick Q asking whether you’ve said no to a favor so you won’t be taken advantage of, as the overwhelming majority of people said they wouldn’t do a chesed that someone else could do for themselves.

I’d like to make a few points:

1. Chesed shouldn’t be done for others. It should be done for oneself and because it’s a mitzvah.
2. I don’t know where or who I heard this from but it makes a crucial point. Chesed has the same shoresh as the word chassid; Chazal often call a certain type of oved Hashem a chassid. This is usually meant to refer to someone who doesn’t just act according to the letter of the law (meshuras hadin), but rather, beyond the letter of the law (lifnim meshuras hadin). In the same way that someone who is a chassid doesn’t stick to the letter of the law and examine the exact point at which to stop a mitzvah, someone who does chesed shouldn’t think about whether the person they’re doing chesed for “deserves” it or not.
3. We’re taught v’halachta bidrachav, that we should emulate Hashem, and that Hashem acts with us as we act toward others. If we think for half a second about the myriad chasadim Hashem does for us that we’re absolutely undeserving of, do we need another reason not to analyze why another person asks us for a favor?

We should always remember that being a gomel chesed is one of the hallmarks of a descendant of Avraham Avinu and is something to be proud of embodying.

Shira Steinberg

Chicago, IL

That’s Our Bubby! [The House That Sarah Built / Issue 963]

We’re submitting this letter to the editor regarding the in-depth article Rebbetzin Tzipora Weinberg wrote about Sarah Schenirer. Rebbetzin Weinberg mentions an entry in Sarah Schenirer’s diary, written in 1917, stating that one of her most supportive advocates was the young Rebbetzin Halberstam of Krakow.

Rebbetzin Weinberg mentions that at least two historians have asserted that this was Rebbetzin Chaya Fradel of Bobov, her very own great-grandmother. She then concludes that it most likely wasn’t her, but Rebbetzin Henna, a daughter of Rebbe Shayale of Tschechoiv.

It was actually neither of these two rebbetzins, but in fact it was our grandmother, Rebbetzin Chaya Sara Halberstam, the Sucha Rebbetzin. She was the daughter of Rebbe Elazar Rosenfeld, the Oshpitziner Rebbe, and a son-in-law of the Divrei Chaim of Sanz. Rebbetzin Chaya Sara was the wife of Rav Yaakov Tzvi Halberstam, the Sucha Ruv, who was a son of Rebbe Shayale of Tschechoiv, the youngest son of the Divrei Chaim. She was indeed a granddaughter of the Divrei Chaim and married to a grandson of the Divrei Chaim.

Rebbetzin Chaya Sara Halberstam, Sarah Schenirer, and another lady started Bais Yaakov together. However, our grandmother and the other lady couldn’t be publicly associated with it because it wasn’t totally accepted yet in their circles. The name Bais Yaakov was actually given by Rebbetzin Chaya Sara’s husband, the Sucha Ruv, our grandfather. In matter of fact, when Bais Yaakov first started, classes were held in Rebbe Shayale’s shul, until the space was outgrown.

All of this was confirmed by Rabbi Chaim Kreiswirth, chief rabbi of Antwerp, upon meeting Rabbi Menachem Mendel (Mendy) Karmel of Montreal, who is Rebbetzin Chaya Sara Halberstam’s great-grandson. Rabbi Kreiswirth was a rosh yeshivah in the Sucha Rav’s yeshivah in Krakow, and he told Mendy that the real story of the beginning of Bais Yaakov is only known by a few people, himself included. He was in Krakow when this was happening and knew what transpired.

Here is Rabbi Mendy Karmel’s recounting of his meeting Rabbi Kreiswirth, while a bochur in Eretz Yisrael:

Around 1997, while learning in Eretz Yisrael, I met Rav Chaim Kreiswirth ztz”l outside of the Mir Yeshiva on a visit. I introduced myself as a great-grandchild of the Sucha Rav Hy”d, Rav Yaakov Tzvi Halberstam, knowing that Rav Kreiswirth served as a Rosh Yeshivah in his yeshivah.

Rav Kreiswirth’s face lit up and he grabbed me in a warm hug. “Devoirelah’s einikel?” he asked, referring by first name to my grandmother, daughter of the Sucha Rav. Then he asked me, “Do you know who made up the name “Bais Yaakov”? The Sucha Rav! I was at the meeting. Sarah Schenirer was close friends with the Sucha Rebbetzin, and together they developed the idea for Bais Yaakov. And at the meeting to name this new initiative, the Sucha Rav suggested Bais Yaakov.” Rav Kreiswirth paused and then said. “You, know, your great-grandmother had a certain zechus that even Sarah Schenirer didn’t have; she was zocheh to remain unknown, behind the scenes. And for that she has a special zechus.”

Interestingly Bobby told me once that part of the reason her father wanted it named Bais Yaakov was because at the time, he didn’t think he would have children due to his wife’s medical complications, and he felt that at least he could have a memorial  — his name was Yaakov  — in this institution he was helping to found.

Mrs. Devorah Spira [the letter writer’s mother and aunt, respectively], the Sucha Rav and Rebbetzin’s daughter referred to above, told many stories of the beginnings of Bais Yaakov. And Rav Isser Laufer, who lived in Krakow, remembered our grandmother’s involvement and talked about it with her daughter, Mrs. Devorah Spira.

The mystery of the Rebbetzin Halberstam of Krakow is solved!

Mrs. Chaya Sara Karmel

Mrs. Haya Augenstein

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 972)