“When I was in seminary at Neve. Going to families for Shabbos was a very cool chavayah that my friends and I took advantage of”

Tread Carefully [Conversation Continues / Issue 967]

It rankled me to read a letter defending elitism in Bais Yaakovs as being positively motivated, an attempt to protect our children from an increasingly complex and subtly subversive world.

Recently, I was on the receiving end of being excluded because someone wanted to keep their children very sheltered and didn’t deem my family frum enough. My daughter had tried inviting a classmate over many times, but the mother constantly said today wasn’t a good day for her, or her daughter already had other arrangements. Occasionally, she’d invited my daughter over instead. We didn’t stop trying because it didn’t seem like the girl didn’t want to be my daughter’s friend — they played together in school a lot and her friend was really excited when she came over. At one point it started to feel awkward.

Then the penny dropped. They don’t want their daughter to come over!

The realization hurt. A lot.

I know some of my hurt is my issue to work on, but I do think that when it comes to sheltering our children from other children, we need to tread very carefully, because even if well intended, we can still be doing something wrong on two accounts: 1) We’re causing distress to the people we exclude. 2) We’re creating spiritually fragile children who are going to shatter into pieces when they’re inevitably exposed to something their parents don’t want them to be exposed to.

I think of what research has shown about the overuse of anti-bacterial products, that it isn’t helpful to the immune system, but damaging. We all saw firsthand how difficult being on lockdown during Corona was, and how it could never have been a long-term solution.

Yes, we need to tread very, very carefully.

Name Withheld

Lost Opportunity [Words Unspoken / 966]

I was saddened to read the letter from an American woman who regularly hosts seminary girls in her “American corner” of Yerushalayim as they prefer to stay “close to home” instead of exploring Israel.

I was a BT in my mid-twenties when I was in seminary at Neve. Going to families for Shabbos was a very cool chavayah that my friends and I took advantage of. We often reached out to an organization that might not exist anymore — Anywhere in Israel. They would set you up anywhere in Israel. We met families in Meah Shearim, Kochav HaShachar, Hashmonaim, Tzfas, and more. From each family, we learned about different approaches to living in Israel, how to run your Shabbos table, parenting dynamics, and so much more.

It made me sad to read that some seminary girls aren’t exploring and expanding their perspective regarding Shabbos. It feels like such a lost opportunity for a year in Israel, where so many Jewish communities are just a bus ride away. These experiences can enhance a year of growth and learning, and I sincerely hope that some young women will find a friend and go on an adventure.

Daniela Kabins

What a Gift [Babies, Bottles, and a Brand-New Beginning… at Forty-Plus / Issue 966]

I read with great interest your recent feature about first-time mothers in their forties. As a mom who had a few babies in her forties, I couldn’t resist adding my own perspective.

When I put on maternity again, the reactions were… colorful. Some people whispered dire warnings about exhaustion, sleepless nights, and “being too old for this.” Medical statistics were dangled ominously in front of me. “The family you already have is good enough,” one person told me. Others gave sympathetic smiles that said, better you than me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder myself how I’d manage.

But once I held my precious babies, I can honestly say — what a gift. Yes, the nights were long, the coffee was strong, and my back reminded me that I wasn’t 25 anymore. But the joy, the clarity, the gratitude — they were deeper than ever. With age comes perspective, and with perspective comes the ability to treasure every gummy smile and every squeal of delight. And my other kids were gaga over their newborn siblings.

Also, having had the benefit of lots of experience, I knew how to roll with the punches and enjoy my babies without getting bogged down by minor details like lack of sleep. (There are lots of reasons why people in their forties can’t sleep at night. This is the best reason I can think of…)

So to anyone on the fence or fearful of starting over later in life — don’t let the naysayers drown out the quiet voice that knows the truth. Little souls bring down new energy, laughter, and meaning. I wouldn’t have traded it for anything.

Name Withheld

Mothers Speak Up [Words Unspoken / Issue 963]

The “Words Unspoken” about a woman going through infertility not getting the emotional support from her mother was painful.

At ATIME, we’ve heard those “Words Unspoken” actually spoken many times.

In the monthly support group we host for mothers whose children are experiencing infertility, this topic is discussed regularly.

The following is some of what mothers have shared with us:

If we mothers could tell our daughters one thing, it would be that we love them.

It would be that we daven for them every day.

It would be that we wish we could be more involved in this part of their lives, however, we understand boundaries and privacy and respect the relationship that they and their husbands are building.

We don’t want to intrude, so we struggle to find the right balance of showing concern and not asking.

We want you to know that your pain is our pain and there is nothing we want more than to take that pain away.

You think we don’t see you, you think we don’t realize how hard this is for you. We do know and we do realize.

You ask us to say something, to say anything.

Our silence is the strongest statement we can make.

We love you.

Brany Rosen

Founder, ATIME and Director of Member Services

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 968)