“Each and every girl navigating this journey should be applauded for who she is and the standards she so courageously upholds”

Girls Don’t Have It Easier [Inbox / Issue 955]

I’m writing in response to the recent Inbox letter regarding girls in shidduchim having it easier than boys. The writer stated, “It’s much easier to be a good girl than to be a good boy. What does a girl have to do to be a top girl? All she has to do is want a learning boy.” As a 25-year-old girl in shidduchim who is often labeled a “top girl” by family, friends, and acquaintances, I can’t claim to fully know what being a “top boy” entails. However, I can offer a glimpse into the other side — what it really takes to be considered a “top girl.”

Being a top girl is about far more than simply wanting a learning boy. Yes, it’s true that I’m looking for someone who aspires to a life of Torah learning. But what often goes unseen is the inner work that it takes to be someone who is deserving of such a boy. Each day brings with it a renewed battle to uphold my values in a world that often seems to leave them far behind.

There are certain standards relating to technology use, tzniyus, and ruchniyus that I dream of bringing into my future home, b’ezras Hashem. It’s not easy to feel out of the loop due to the choices I’ve made regarding my technology use. It’s not easy to be seen as a “nerd” for passing on styles that don’t align with the level of tzniyus I’m striving for. It’s hard to get up and daven day after day, while watching my friends and family move forward, leaving me far behind. It’s hard to go to work, attend a shiur, and keep showing up with a smile after a difficult shidduch parshah or after months without a single date. And while it may not show on the outside, the struggle to hold on to bitachon in a world that often feels upside down is very real.

Each and every girl navigating this journey should be applauded for who she is and the standards she so courageously upholds, for as effortless as it may seem from the outside, behind the facade is a fight that most will never see.

Name Withheld

Yes, Abuse Continues Afterward [Inbox / Issue 955]

As the writer of the piece, “I Married a Monster,” about my being married to an abusive man and the long time it took me until I left, I want to express my deepest thanks to Rosie Steiner for her powerful and validating words in her recent letter to the editor about spousal abuse. She not only captured the reality of what survivors of abuse endure, but went even further by addressing the painful truth that abuse often intensifies after leaving.

The abuse doesn’t end when a survivor walks away; it often escalates. Many abusers seek to rally public and community support against the survivor, using shame as a weapon. They believe that by publicly shaming the survivor and making life so unbearably difficult, they can pressure them into returning. At times, this is a calculated attempt to regain control, ensuring that post-separation life becomes yet another battlefield.

This dynamic is also a key reason why so many women remain agunos, as their abusers dig in their heels and refuse to relinquish control. That, in itself, could fill another entire article. But for now, I simply want to say thank you, Rosie Steiner, for speaking the truth and offering words that meant more to me, and to many others, than you can possibly imagine.

Name Withheld

Single-Forever Syndrome [Inbox / Issue 955]

I’m responding to the Inbox letter by a single girl who talked about the tremendous fear single women feel that propels them to make poor dating decisions. I’m 21 years old, have been in shidduchim for approximately two years, and went on one date. The anxiety over getting a date is real and palpable.

I have a friend who recently told me she was going on a date and then promptly declared she was marrying him no matter what. When I questioned her further, she said she hadn’t had a date in months and unless there were any major red flags, she’d make the marriage work, rather than wait around in the lonely single scene.

Well, a few weeks later she got engaged. I wonder how sincerely she really wanted to marry the boy or was she motivated by the overriding fear of remaining single.

In addition to this girl, I’ve seen frequent patterns in conversation where girls admit they’re mostly walking into dating with an enormous amount of fear instead of the absolute honesty and levelheadedness needed to make the single most important decision of their life.

This is even more alarming considering how young the girls are who are experiencing this intense level of fear. Girls really do not get a lot of dates. Of all my friends, I’m one of the few who have gone on a date. I’ve heard that girls can wait up to two to three years to get one date. There’s a lot of talk about young divorces, and I know not all cases are the same, but if girls are rushing to get married to escape the single scene, what’s the chances of a healthy flourishing marriage built on a foundation of genuine respect and appreciation — the only thing a girl can appreciate is that she is no longer single, not her husband himself!

I think it’s time we step up and stop ignoring the elephant in the room. This anxiety has to stop! We either need to be setting up more girls or we need to make a bigger space for girls to exist while they navigate this single stage. Let’s get real, let’s get practical, and let’s get moving!

Waiting for My Bashert

Not the Right Time [Reflections / Issue 954]

I’d like to thank Mrs. Radcliffe for her insightful article on how our preoccupation with our cell phones feels like rejection to our loved ones. Her articles always seem to offer the advice I need. The clarity she portrays makes it practical to implement her suggestions.

After reading this particular article, I gained a better understanding of the importance of being present during moments when my husband is driving or my children are eating, playing, etc. Like many, I thought those were the perfect times to respond to texts.

Later in the week after reading the piece, my husband and I took a trip where we had no service for four days. Initially, I saw this as a challenge, but it turned out to be a blessing. Without devices, I realized how occupied I had been, and the trip was incredibly relaxing and enjoyable. Those few days taught me how even with just a flip phone, I somehow am very, very preoccupied. I’m sure that the trip was as relaxing and enjoyable as it was because of the lack of devices. When you respond to texts because your children\husband\campers\siblings are happy and busy, you’re losing the opportunity to connect with them in the most powerful way!

Responding to texts during family time means missing out on meaningful connections. It may seem insignificant, but I encourage everyone to put their phones away for at least an hour each day and engage fully with those around them.

Name Withheld

Height Discrimination [Musings / Issue 952]

I loved Esther Shemtov’s humorous perspective on being a girl in shidduchim. Sometimes when you’re dating for so long, the only way to get through it is by laughing (and davening, of course).

I know the poem was meant to be light and funny, but I wanted to pointed out a line that stood out for me: “Some are six feet and some are… five seven in heels.”

As a shadchan who has set up many singles, I’m still surprised at how often a single woman will give a flat-out no to a guy who is not tall enough for them. Even more surprising are the 5'2" girls who say their height range is 5'10" and up (sweetheart, even the 5'10" girls aren’t demanding 5'10" guys).

I recently had a thought: Why do we give single men such a hard time when they want a certain dress size or body type, but it’s completely okay for a single woman who is 5'4" to say no to someone who isn’t significantly taller than her?

Not long ago, I suggested a guy who is 5'7" to a single girl who is 5'5". She looked into him and told me she heard nice things, but she couldn’t get past his height.

I’m curious to hear others’ perspective on this.

M.W.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 957)