“ ‘Never’ and ‘always’ have no place in childbirth; you’re not in charge. Hashem is”

The Stress Only Increases [A Better You / Issue 955]

I was deeply saddened and concerned by the question regarding dating and addiction in last week’s issue.

It’s a sad reality that in too many cases frum/yeshivah culture has unintentionally evolved to the point that addictive behaviors like drinking, smoking, and vaping are somehow considered culturally acceptable outlets. (And now, apparently, marijuana as well.) The excuse of “stress reduction” only emphasizes the lack of kosher and healthy stress management outlets like exercise, sports, and music.

The young man in question said that he would quit “after they are married.” The counselor in the story wisely advised the young woman to request a two-week trial, proving that the young man was adversely affected by abstaining from his drugs of choice, and was therefore addicted and unlikely to change.

I’d like to propose a further concern that would come into play, even if it turned out that the boy wasn’t “addicted” in the strictly clinical sense. A single boy who finds his life “stressful” and needs to revert to unhealthy coping mechanisms, but believes he will stop once he is married, will be greatly surprised to find that married life brings exponentially greater stress — not less. How will he cope when he is faced with the normal challenges of building a relationship, parnassah challenges, and child-raising issues? And what will happen when his renewed usage creates shalom bayis issues, causing even more stress?

It’s my tefillah that our young women find their respective basherts without needing to make difficult decisions such as these — and that we as a community can somehow shift the tide in the culture. We can do better.

Alisa Avruch, CTLC

Marriage Coach

The Secret Spark

This Generation Is Strong [A Fraught Legacy / Issue 954]

Thank you for your thought-provoking article about how to teach the Holocaust to the next generations. It was well-researched and relevant. However, the introduction to the article said, “Children today are so coddled, they need to appreciate how lucky they are….” I wholeheartedly disagree with that statement.

Children and teenagers today have lived through Covid, October 7, the Israel/Iran war, and more. They can’t go into a grocery store without a large “kidnapped” sign depicting another Jew who was taken hostage on October 7 staring them in the face. The idea of going to mainstream colleges is mostly a thing of the past for this generation because of the profound anti-Semitism on college campuses. They have witnessed “humanitarian protests” across the globe and propaganda on the part of Hamas. This generation davened and hoped for two sweet redheaded babies and their mother, only to learn on that awful Erev Shabbos in February that they, too, were murdered at the hands of our enemies.

I don’t believe this generation is “coddled” one bit. I believe they are living through an extraordinary time, marked by extreme anti-Semitism and the collapse of moral clarity. This generation has shown incredible resilience and strength.

Name Withheld

Phone Etiquette [Reflections / Issue 954]

Everything written in this article about how our children feel rejected when we’re busy with our phones is so important. Thank you for addressing this topic in such a meaningful way. There is one piece to this that was understandably left out of the article, but should not be overlooked in the broader conversation.

Just because someone is on the other side of a phone connection doesn’t make them any less human. They will also feel rejected and abandoned if, mid-conversation, they’re left waiting for a reply while someone shifts their attention elsewhere. This isn’t to say we must be at the beck and call of our phones or ignore life around us — everything stated in the article still stands! We shouldn’t devalue our ability to turn off distractions and focus on the people we care about — whether they are physically or digitally present. We must also remember that while a phone is an inanimate object, we’re connecting with the neshamah on the other end who also experiences the full range of human emotion.

There might be room in this discussion to explore phone etiquette. How can we make sure that both the human on the phone and the human right in front of us feel valued and respected?

Shani Fogel

It’s Not About Autonomy [To Feel or not to Feel / Issue 953]

I really appreciated the nonjudgmental tone of Bashie Lisker’s and Yonah Chatzinoff’s article about epidurals and the overall positivity about birth. The only thing that bothered me was the conclusion: “In the end…[birth] is all about autonomy…about a woman’s sense of empowerment.” To me, this feels like the opposite of what birth is about.

I’ve heard that the word “leidah” (Hebrew for birth) can also be read as “l’Yad Hashem.” During the birth process, we realize just how little control we have over our bodies — how they operate according to a rhythm and pattern that is totally beyond our control. Each birth has its own preset time, and even if we use medical or alternative interventions, the baby cannot be born before Hashem decides. I’ve personally experienced this so many times in many different ways, like the time I got to the hospital and the nurse said, “You’re past transition already, all you have to do now is have the baby” only for it to take seven more hours. The time the doctor ordered an induction, and I arranged babysitting, packed up a suitcase, and was about to leave to the hospital only to have him call back and tell me there were no beds available. The extremely intense Pitocin regimen that went on and on and on without results until after shkiah, when apparently the baby’s birthday truly arrived and suddenly the labor began to progress.

No, labor isn’t about autonomy. It’s about giving in and giving up control, and realizing that there is a master Orchestrator in charge. He has also given us tools and techniques — some medical, some alternative — to get to the other side, and we can make wise use of those tools if necessary. There’s no point in “setting a policy” before labor, because you’re not going to be in charge anyway. You will only end up very frustrated if the labor doesn’t proceed according to your plan.

It is, of course, a good idea to acquaint yourself with the options and choices for pain relief, positioning, pacing, environment, etc. Then, once you’re in the actual situation, you can make an educated decision as to which (if any) of the tools you feel you need at that point. But “never” and “always” have no place in childbirth; you’re not in charge. Hashem is.

Once you submit to the idea that no, labor isn’t about autonomy, it’s about submission to a Higher Power, you can make a smart (and guilt-free) choice about how to proceed through the labor process He designed for you.

Name Withheld

Missing My Grandson  [Words Unspoken / Issue 953]

Dear Malky,

Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully in your piece about how much you think of the son you lost. Every word resonated with my daughter, who has the same reality as you.

As a grandmother, I have similar feelings.

When I bentsh licht, I mention each child and grandchild by name, asking that Hashem should bless them to merit Torah, chuppah, and maasim tovim. Every week my heart skips a beat when I have to skip my grandson’s name. The pictures on my refrigerator keep changing. This grandson will forever be 11. We used to make brachos with more kavanah as a zechus for a refuah sheleimah. We now do it l’illui nishmaso. My grandson would have been bar mitzvah this winter. I will not be able to make him a needlepoint bag for his tefillin. I will try to make a needlepoint mantle for the sefer Torah that is being written in his memory.

He will be forever and always in our hearts.

I know that as hard as it is for a grandmother to lose a grandchild, it’s only a fraction of what a mother feels to lose a child. May Hashem bring techiyas hameisim soon so we can all be united with our loved ones.

Carol Trachtenberg

Far Rockaway, NY

Leg Cramps  [A Better You / Issue 952]

I started getting nocturnal leg cramps. The two best on-the-spot reliefs came from pickle juice and Schweppes tonic water. Both work in about two minutes. I also found a Dead Sea magnesium spray in a health food store that can be sprayed on the skin and massaged in the area of the affected muscle.

Isamar Friedman 

Yerushalayim

No Regrets [Lifetakes / Issue 952]

I read this story — about a woman in a shopping mall who overheard an exchange between a young child and his mother as he gleefully asks to ride the escalator, but his mother had to turn him down, because she had no one to watch the baby in the stroller, and her regret that she didn’t offer her assistance — on Shabbos afternoon in Upstate New York where my family and I rented a house with a private pool for the weekend.

On Sunday, the children spent all day in the pool in refreshing blissfulness. We divided the hours between the boys and girls and it worked out splendidly. As I looked out the window, I observed the family who rented a small suite across the road. The mother sat on her chair surrounded by her three boys who looked so bored, hot, and not very happy as they aimlessly walked back and forth in search of some action.

Then it struck me: We have a huge pool, where the men and boys were swimming at the time. Why not offer them to join us? But then again, I rationalized, it’s really not my business. Maybe they do have something planned for the day.

That’s when I remembered the article I’d read the day before and knew exactly what I would do. Armed with permission from the menfolk, I confidently strode across the road and invited the boys and their father to join us. They spent two delightful hours in the pool and couldn’t thank us enough.

Thanks to your inspirational insight, I didn’t miss the opportunity (which I otherwise would have).

F Fisher

There’s More to the Story [The Conversation Continues / Issue 952]

In the discussion of whether an unrealistic expectation of “love” plays a role in some divorces, the article highlighted the Torah’s narrative of Yitzchak’s marriage. A reader responded with the pasuk that tells us that time flew for Yaakov as he worked for Rochel because he loved her.

The problem with using pesukim of the Torah for practical guidance is that we don’t understand a word of Torah shebichsav without the explanation of Torah shebe’al peh. The story of Yitzchak’s marriage has traditionally been used as a model for the Jewish approach to shidduchim.

When someone loves someone, they want to be with them, not spend seven years working for them. Had Yaakov’s love been for Rochel, the physical human being, he would’ve experienced the seven years in painful protracted slow motion.

The seforim dig deep in their attempt to understand what was going on with Yaakov. Rav Wolfson, based on the Arizal, explains that Rochel had so spiritually developed herself that she reached a level where her own individuality as a human fused with the holiness of the Shechinah. When Yaakov saw her, he saw the holiness that we would associate with a sefer Torah, tefillin, or a Chumash. Of course, he kissed her. Time flew as he worked for “Her” because of his great love for “Her”  — i.e., the Shechinah. The greatest oneg in the world is to serve Hashem with love.

Each of the Avos and Imahos provide a different and opposite archetype for marriage, with Avraham and Sarah exemplifying true equality, Yitzchak and Rivkah a process by which the feminine begins much smaller and grows to equality, Yaakov and Rochel the model most typically understood as traditional, and Yaakov and Leah the model where the feminine is much bigger than the masculine, who slowly grows into becoming big enough for her.

Learning from the Torah requires humility and caution to ensure that we’re not projecting our own understandings of how “things should be” with little knowledge.

Baila Gitty Vorhand

Not Heartless [Can This Marriage Be Fixed? / Issue 950]

I’m responding to the negative portrayal of the chassidish way of doing shidduchim that was implied in Elisheva Liss’s article. I’m not a professional (and I know that professionals often only hear the traumatic stories), but from my corner of the world, I’ve witnessed countless examples of success within our dating system. I’ve seen very chassidish friends — who met once or twice before engagement — glow with joy and truly come into themselves in their marriages. If I hadn’t seen it, I wouldn’t have believed it either.

As someone who struggles with anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I was full of anxiety during my engagement and early marriage. I kept comparing myself to the more modern world and wondering if I was making a mistake. My chassan seemed like a gem, but I didn’t feel swept off my feet.

Five and a half years later, I can say with certainty: I’m beyond grateful I married this man. He’s my anchor. Had we dated the way the modern world suggests, I don’t believe we would’ve gotten engaged. I said some strange things, and had he not come in already knowing about me and ready to make a decision, I fear he would have walked away — and I might have said no for superficial reasons.

Our community places strong emphasis on the guidance of rabbanim, who support this approach for valid reasons: preserving tradition, protecting emotional well-being, and fostering lasting commitment. Is it perfect? No system is. But dismissing it with broad strokes ignores the nuance and care behind it.

Furthermore, I believe the logic behind our dating system is rooted in the conviction that truly platonic relationships between young men and young women are rare, and that genuine romantic love and connection will naturally follow marriage when built on a foundation of shared values and unwavering commitment.

One paragraph in particular stood out as deeply unfair: “It’s also possible that the communal values and messaging around commitment and family-building are stronger than those of individual autonomy and relational well-being….”

Even if there’s some truth in that, it paints an entire community in a harsh light. Strip away the eloquence, and it borders on lashon hara about a segment of Klal Yisrael. No healthy parent wants their child to be unhappy — our system may be different, but it isn’t heartless.

I ask: If you truly care about the well-being of our youth, and believe many are suffering, please speak directly with our rabbanim. That’s the path to real understanding and change — not one-sided articles that alienate and misrepresent.

M.S.

Canada

CORRECTION

Last week’s Lifetakes, “The Package,” was accidentally attributed to the wrong author. It was written by Raizy Freidman. We regret the error.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 956)