“...most of us can and will handle 25 hours without food and drink just fine. We’ve been doing this for the last 2,000 years, ladies...”

Fasting Recipes  [Family Table / Issue 953]

I really appreciated all the helpful ideas for pre-fast recipes. They were practical and doable and also not over-the-top fancy, which made them very appropriate for this tekufah. What I did not appreciate was the undertone of anxiety and self-care. It’s really sad that we’ve become so wrapped up in our bubbles of optimal nutritional balance and self-care that we can’t even approach our national day of very justified mourning without worrying about electrolyte levels.

Baruch Hashem, most of us are strong, productive women who juggle a lot and do it well. There may be some readers who are genuinely fragile and who need specialized guidance to get through the fast. But most of us can and will handle 25 hours without food and drink just fine. We’ve been doing this for the last 2,000 years, ladies, and guess what? We’re all loading our washing machines the next day right on schedule.

There’s no need to be so anxious. Before the fast, drink extra and have some watermelon if you wish. Then take a day to focus on the Big Problems of the Jewish people — not your electrolyte levels and whether your pre-fast intake had the optimal mix of nutrients and proteins. If you don’t feel your best during the long, hot fast, if you even feel some distress and discomfort, then guess what? That’s the point.

Name Withheld

Did You Look in My Dating Journal?  [Musings / Issue 952]

Thank you, Esther Shemtov, for your humorous piece on the challenge single women face in shidduchim. I’ve never felt so heard in such a comedic way before! Was your article based on my dating journal?! The number of “hats” I’ve dated just because they have a pulse (who weren’t even 5’7” in heels) is clearly nothing short of ordinary. It was really validating that other girls have been treading water in this vast ocean looking for a single mensch fish! (No red fish, blue fish, or herring fish.)

There were so many relatable lines that got me to smile. I can’t pick a favorite. Thanks for reminding me there’s humor is this craziness called shidduchim.

Kayla Bass

Manipulating the Concept [To Be Honest / Issue 952]

I’m responding to the piece about how expensive it is to tip camp staff. Using the Torah value of hakaras hatov as a justification for tipping is simply wrong. Hakaras hatov is an obligation on each person, and we each need to make our calculations of to whom and how. Hakaras hatov isn’t one-size-fits-all and certainly not to be dictated by the party that is receiving the hakarah.

Yes, I want to thank my son’s rebbi who taught him for eight hours a day for ten months. And I send $150 for Chanukah and Purim! That’s hakaras hatov. I should send half of that to someone who taught my son for two hours a day for three weeks and two days, minus Shabbos? To a rebbi who doesn’t know my son’s name? It’s not kafui tov, it’s me spending my money as I see fit.

M.S.

Equally Responsible [Can This Marriage Be Fixed? / Issue 950]

I’d like to point out that the article on the rising rate of divorce among newlyweds heavily placed all the blame, responsibility, and call to action on women. Now, while it’s possible that this was so because Family First is primarily a women’s magazine, it still reflects the general attitude in our community.

Both men and women are equal partners and thereby equally responsible for their marriage. Putting all the responsibility onto women to hold it together isn’t realistic or fair, and labeling women who suffer through painful marriages for the sake of their children as “holy women” isn’t accurate at all.

Every person deserves to feel safe and loved by their spouse. Now, working together to improve their marriage? That’s what I’d call a “holy couple.”

Many people are bemoaning the stories of young divorces. Look at it another way. Many of these marriages couldn’t be saved. Rather than go through years and years of pain, isn’t it better that this marriage end earlier, before one side gets badly hurt?

Someone Who Experienced Divorce from the Inside

It Isn’t a Just World [Can This Marriage Be Fixed? / Issue 950]

One of things that jumped out at me from the feature on the rising rate of newlywed divorces is the sentiment that, “If only they tried harder, they’d still be together.” I’ve heard this statement or similar ones many times over the years. The individuals I know who are divorced invested hundreds of hours and dollars on therapy, marriage classes, etc., before making the painful decision to end their marriages — and they deserve our respect for the sacrifices they made and continue to make as single parents.

Why, then, do so many people believe and say these things despite the fact that they’re incredibly harmful and untrue in most cases?

I think it comes down to something called the “just-world hypothesis.” It’s a “cognitive bias that assumes the world is fair and that people get what they deserve.”

It’s challenging emotionally to live in a world that seems unfair. For that reason, when we meet someone going through a difficult divorce, we assume they didn’t try hard enough, made bad decisions, etc. (Similarly, many people tell themselves that the “older” singles they know must be too picky or have other issues.)

This judgment, while unfair, helps them sleep better at night, rather than facing the truth that bad things happen to good people in this world, even though we can’t always understand why. When we accept the truth that seemingly bad things can happen to good people, it feels threatening because that means it can happen to us or someone we love, too.

But part of being a Jew is having rachamim. We need to fight the natural urge to look at the world through this lens, as it stops us from being able to hold space and truly help those going through challenges.

Name Withheld

Feigelach in Their Minds [Can This Marriage Be Fixed? / Issue 950]

I was deeply disturbed to  read the article by Elisheva Liss, “Please Don’t Marry Off Your Children,” part of the collection on rising divorce rates. As a chassidish woman reading this magazine for over 20 years, I’m obviously sensitive to certain features that aren’t in line with the intentionally sheltered chinuch of my home and community. However, this specific article compelled me to write because it’s harmful to the young girls and women in the community.

Know this: We take instruction from our gedolim. If our daas Torah clearly advises us to marry off our children young, with dominant parental involvement and support, it’s wrong and antithetical to our values to write otherwise. When our gedolim — who with their unparalleled wisdom, open caring hearts, and meaningful instruction, are truly in tune with the needs of the tzibbur and individual — will instruct us otherwise, we’ll certainly heed their psak. It’s not the job of therapists to question and attack our lifestyle, and if they truly feel bound to help, they should clearly discuss what they hear from their clients with the gedolim, whose call it really is.

Also, shadchanim and mentors in our community feel that placing the onus so heavily on our children to make this huge decision is a cop-out on the part of the parents of this generation who are afraid to make said decisions. And as the writer articulated, people with more agency don’t necessarily have happier marriages, but they can look back and know they made the best decision at that time. So, too, “married-off-young” ones can mostly look back and know this was the best decision made for them/with them at that time….

Imagine the thought process of a 19-year-old kallah reading this article or a young newly married woman meeting differences with her young husband. In chassidish parlance it’s called placing unnecessary “feigelech” in their minds, hence my referring to this article as harmful.

M. J.

Boro Park

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 954)