Family First Inbox: Issue 952

“I opened up this week’s Family First and saw your Know This about preemies, and wow, it felt like a hug from Hashem”
A Hug from Hashem [Know This / Issue 951]
I had a preemie two-and-a-half years ago in Eretz Yisrael. My son needed multiple therapies; he’s all but caught up now baruch Hashem.
I thought a lot of this was behind me, but when we visited Eretz Yisrael two weeks ago (we now live in America), I saw the trauma is still there: We were driving near Shaare Zedek, and I had a physical reaction. All the fear and desperation came flooding back.
When we landed back in America, I opened up this week’s Family First and saw your Know This about preemies, and wow, it felt like a hug from Hashem. You did an incredible job. Thank you for printing such a validating take.
If you know someone with a preemie, take the article’s suggestions to heart, and you’ll be one of the people who a tired mom remembers as being a source of strength.
For anyone who is in Shaare Zedek’s NICU and would want to talk to an English speaker who’s been there, I can be contacted through Mishpacha. There are also incredible organizations out there like Chaim V’Chessed.
Name Withheld
Happily Mismatched [Real Life / Issue 950]
To Shaindy, the protagonist of the story about a woman who took Ozempic so she’d be skinny enough to get the dates she wanted:
We’re a physically “mismatched” couple. If our shadchan had known what we both looked like, she would never have thought to set us up. And yet, here we are — with a marriage as beautiful as any, if not more.
Husband: I grew up in a family of all petite, slender girls. Based on that, and what society decides is “beautiful,” I always assumed I’d marry someone similar. When I met my wife for the first time, I thought she was perfect for me — except for her size, which didn’t fit the “requirements” of societal beauty. I spoke to my rebbi, who told me that if that was my only concern, I should wait it out and see what happens. After a few more dates, I was hit with a shocking moment of clarity: Society is wrong. Just as not all people like the same foods, not all people are drawn to the same looks in a partner. My rebbi’s advice to wait it out brought me the greatest brachah — my wife.
Wife: Growing up, I was always told that I’d date, and eventually someone would see past my exterior and appreciate who I am as a person enough that my weight wouldn’t bother them. Never did it occur to me that I would marry someone who appreciated both aspects!
We’re doing a huge disservice as a society by teaching that heavier girls will get married despite their looks, not because of it. Shaindy, it’s possible that someone might marry you “despite.” But don’t forget, it’s also possible that someone will marry you “because.”
Happily Mismatched and Married
She Uses Common Sense [Eishes Chayil / Issue 950]
Dayan Osher Westheim ztz”l once told me that before using someone’s quote, we must know what context it came from. He then gave me the example of “ishah kesheirah osah retzon ba’alah.” He said that many misuse this phrase and take it out of the original context in order to squash a woman they are trying to bully.
He told me that Yael’s husband went to war and before he left, instructed Yael to make sure to upkeep the peace agreement he’d made with the general Sisra. However, during her husband’s absence, Yael discovered that Sisra was in fact planning an attack on Am Yisrael. Yael used her seichel, her common sense. She made a plan to avert the disaster and carried it out. She knew she was going against her husband’s instructions, but she also knew that this is exactly what he would have wanted. Which is why Chazal said about her: Isha kesheirah osah retzon ba’alah. She carried out his will, not his instructions.
People may have assumed she was a bad wife because she did the opposite of what her husband said. Therefore, Chazal said of her, she’s an “ishah kesheirah,” she was a good wife.
Women aren’t supposed to be computers and blindly follow instructions. They’re supposed to use their common sense.
Name Withheld
A Model That Works [Safety Tools / Issue 949]
I was excited to see your recent article on Debbie Fox and her groundbreaking work in the realm of child safety within the frum community. Her vision and tireless dedication have opened doors to conversations that were once unspoken, and she has given our community the tools and language to protect our children in a hashkafically and clinically appropriate manner.
Having the opportunity to work alongside Debbie in recent years has deepened my appreciation and respect for her mission. Through her mentorship and support, we have been able to bring this vital work to Lakewood on a broader scale, introducing her safety program to over 30 schools, through our organization Lishmor.
Working with Mrs. Fox has enabled Lishmor to adapt her acclaimed model to meet the specific needs of our community. The result isn’t just increased awareness, but tangible change — a growing network of schools committed to proactive safety policies, trained staff, informed parents, and empowered children. It’s a model that works because it empowers everyone to take part in the solution.
I’m grateful every day for the chance to help bring this vision to life in our own community. Mrs. Fox’s impact continues to grow through the incredible work of Magen Yeladim. May we continue to build on her legacy and ensure that every child feels safe, valued, and protected.
Chana E. Schechter
Lishmor Director
Go For It [Triple Say / Issue 949]
I’d like to respond to the woman who inquired about her tafkid, and who wanted to know if maybe she should be doing more with her unique strengths instead of just “reacting to life’s nisyonos.”
I agree with the responders’ assertion that Hashem guides us toward our mission through the events He strategically places in our lives. But the fact that this woman asked her question tells me that at this time in her life, she wants a more direct and targeted usage of her individual kochos to serve Hashem and make a positive impact in the world. She seems to desire more — and a desire, too, is meant to be viewed as something Hashem strategically places in our path as a directive to expand ourselves.
I’d encourage this lady to use her feelings as her guide and honor them by striving higher! She can set an intention to feel fulfilled and tapped into, daven for greater levels of satisfaction in discovering and navigating her mission, and start taking steps toward doing so.
Meeting with a career coach to take an aptitude test and discuss what she’s good at and what her options are can be a great place to start. Additionally, branching out by discovering what kinds of chesed she enjoys, and doing more of it in newer and bigger ways than ever, is another fulfilling endeavor she may love.
It’s so important to be proactive in doing everything we can to actualize our potential and live our most joyful lives, and not just live life “reacting to our nisyonos.” Giving and contributing to society is a basic human need. As a life coach, I’m amazed at how fast people’s healing is accelerated once they emerge from just surviving and start to give of themselves in meaningful ways.
To anyone out there wanting more: Open yourself up to it, and Hashem will deliver!
Yael Bertram
(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 952)
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