“Someone who is 5'3" and 160 pounds doesn’t look obese or even extremely overweight in normal reality”

Not Obese, Just Not Thin [Real Life / Issue 950]

When I do write in to Family First, more often than not it’s with positive feedback. However, reading “The Next Stage,” in which Shaindy Fried discussed her struggle being 5'3" and 160 pounds, left me — quite frankly — appalled.

There is certainly an unhealthy fixation on weight in our society that has filtered in from the secular world. And without a doubt, I sympathize very much with Shaindy, who was brave enough to publish the degrading experiences and comments that she has had to endure. But as another single woman who is approximately the same age, height, and weight as Shaindy and has never experienced any such responses, I was disturbed to see that this article seemed to be implying that a woman who is 160 pounds — only 20 pounds above a healthy BMI for Shaindy’s 5'3" — is overweight enough that her shidduchim and life may be impacted to the degree described by Shaindy.

Someone who is 5'3" and 160 pounds doesn’t look obese or even extremely overweight in normal reality. Shaindy is simply someone who isn’t slim. I know many wonderful young women who were 10, 20, 30, or more pounds overweight and found their zivug quickly. Shaindy’s experiences in shidduchim and with society at large aren’t the norm, and Family First could have published this article — which does have real value in other aspects of its content — without mentioning Shaindy’s actual body measurements, which sent a quiet message of, “Unless you’re truly thin, you might go through quite a bit of misery.”

As stated earlier in this letter, I, too, am single; I, too, am around Shaindy’s age; and I, too, could stand to lose 20 pounds or so. But I have dated quite a bit — mostly thin guys, incidentally — and I’m usually the one who ends up saying no, not them.

It’s dangerous for a quite typically somewhat-overweight woman to say things in Family First such as, “I was a nebach: an overweight older single with no prospects for months” and “I knew it accounted for my unmarried state.” I’m sorry for the experiences Shaindy has had, but I refuse to believe that they’re within the realm of the usual for those in our communities who could afford to lose a bit of weight, and I firmly believe that Family First’s choice to publicly frame being moderately overweight as a shidduch catastrophe must have been an oversight on their part.

It’s painful to want to lose weight and not be able to lose it easily. It’s painful to be single for years on end while one’s friends are pushing triple strollers. I’m currently dealing with both situations personally. But plenty of thin girls go months without dates, too, and Hashem has a plan for every person out there regardless of their weight — yes, “even” those who would be seen as truly morbidly overweight or obese, unlikely Shaindy and myself — and not fitting perfectly into the BMI chart is not a punishment from Above that must lead to lengthy singlehood.

Understandably, Shaindy may not feel this way because she has gone through so much heartache inflicted upon her by people with warped perspectives on physical appearance, but I’m deeply disappointed that Family First didn’t make the necessary adjustments before sending out her story in this form.

Name Withheld

You Don’t Understand the Pain [Can This Marriage Be Fixed? / Issue 950]

Upon reading your articles about the divorce rate, I wanted to stress one point that can never be stressed enough. Don’t be so quick to judge divorced people. As a recently divorced woman, I get so many comments and advice from well-meaning individuals who sincerely want the best for me (at least in their own mind), saying: “Why don’t the two of you just get back together and work on your issues? Marriage isn’t always easy and smooth!”

However, these people are indeed well-meaning for the most part, but they’re also so clueless. They don’t truly know what went on in my marriage. And how can I ruin my ex’s reputation in his community by telling people that he was plain old mean?! And may possibly have undiagnosed anxiety issues? Unfortunately, I’m the one officially diagnosed with mental illness so the blame for my divorce easily falls on me. I think that people are quick to say that I was the crazy one, and judge me for it, not realizing that the dynamic was so much more complicated than a one-sided situation. And so people say, “Look, now you’re on medication and doing well, why don’t you both just remarry?”

I think this comes from a mentality of people who sincerely believe in preserving a marriage at all costs. However, they don’t often fully understand and relate to the suffering an individual in an unhealthy marriage goes through. And the children suffer as well. So please, don’t be so quick to judge our divorcing couples. It may not be your place.

Name Withheld

Nailed It [Next Chapter / Issue 949]

I want to commend Ahava Ehrenpreis for “The Next Chapter” article. Many of us are facing exactly those transitions and trying to navigate our way forward. This piece nailed the challenges spot on!

Mrs. Ehrenpreis’s perspective on facing these challenges is healthy, refreshing, and bursting with positivity. She also teaches us the value of framing challenges as an opportunity to exercise our emunah and bitachon muscles.

Thank you, Ahava Ehrenpreis, for another touching and thought-provoking article!

R.H.

It Made an Impact [Safety Tools / Issue 949]

I’m the kind of person who loves to read magazines, form opinions, perhaps even share them with someone, but then move on. However, the article about Debbie Fox and her organization Magen Yeladim, which educates the frum community about abuse, demanded more of me, and I couldn’t just “move on.” I felt I had to share what an impact it made on me.

Reading Safety Tools was both extremely triggering as well as validating. How much I wished I would’ve had such awareness as a child! How much pain, agony, and heartache could’ve been avoided.

I also felt comforted knowing that now there is a way to teach child

ren to recognize red flags and speak up about it before it turns into an issue. With increased awareness and tools for both parents, children, and educators, so much pain can be avoided.

Thank you so much for your wonderful work!

Name Withheld

Demand Your Worth  [The Third Step / Issue 947]

My take on the reason the protagonist was paid less than her male counterpart: It wasn’t because of any gender pay gap, real or imagined. She wasn’t paid the same salary because she didn’t believe she was worth the money. Her male coworker demanded his worth. She didn’t. It’s just as simple as that. There’s no boss on this earth that will offer an employee more money just because. Demand a raise and be prepared to walk away if you don’t receive what you feel you are worth. That’s how you make sure you’re paid what you deserve.

Ahuva L.

Brooklyn, NY

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 951)