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| Family First Inbox |

Family First Inbox: Issue 948

“I didn’t just cover up my condition from the people in my life, but even from myself”

People Do Evolve [A Better You / Issue 947]

As a licensed mental health counselor who has worked extensively with young adults navigating dating and marriage, I’d like to comment on the line, “Too often, we hold on to the fantasy that marriage, like some magic wand, will change people’s core personality,” in the A Better You column “Marriage Means More” by Rachel Burnham.

While it’s true that marriage doesn’t magically change a person’s core personality, it’s also not accurate to assume that people never grow, mature, or evolve within the context of a committed relationship. In fact, I’ve seen many clients whose emotional tone and overall functioning improve after marriage — not because their personality changes overnight, but because the stability, love, and responsibility that come with giving to another person often invite growth.

Yes, someone who is consistently moody or withdrawn while dating may carry those traits into marriage. But I’ve also seen many cases where these traits softened with the security, love, and purpose marriage can provide. Human beings are complex and dynamic — not fixed characters in a script, and our environments, roles, and relationships all have the power to bring out different parts of us.

Shira Kalos-Manne

LMHC specializing in young adults

Miami Beach, FL

They Can Learn to Read! [Locked out of Learning / Issue 946]

Thank you to the Family First staff for the excellent article highlighting four different perspectives on what it’s like for children and adults who struggle to read.

Unfortunately, far too many children progress from year to year without the support they need to learn to read — in both English and Hebrew. The toll this takes on their self-esteem is the greatest casualty of all.

Reading the experiences of the two adult women with dyslexia, you can almost feel the anxiety they felt going to school day after day, feeling inadequate at every turn. To all the mothers out there who sense something is wrong: Trust your intuition. Do everything you can to get a proper evaluation, and insist that your child be taught with research-based curricula by trained educators.

The majority of children who struggle to read absolutely can learn how to. It’s a process — it takes time, consistency, and the right instruction — but it’s an achievable goal.

I also appreciated Dr. Sasson’s article outlining a multitiered system of supports. Taking a proactive, systemic approach to prevent students from falling through the cracks is a major step forward.

Thanks to a dedicated group of parents and community members, I have the privilege of being part of an initiative that began two years ago to provide targeted Tier 3 instruction within an immersive language-based elementary school, TAL Academy in Queens, NY. Baruch Hashem, we’ve seen our students transform from insecure learners into confident students. They come from various local yeshivos and, over time, return to their neighborhood schools better equipped for success.

Our hope is that with this kind of intensive, early intervention, we can prevent the painful experiences described in the articles and instead guide students toward a path of confidence and success.

Sara Taib

Principal, TAL Academy

Queens, NY

Emotional Impact  [Locked out of Learning / Issue 946]

Reading this article was painful for me because it brings up so many memories of my challenging journey with my son. Despite being taken out every year for kriah practice, when he was assessed in 7th grade, he had a first-grade reading level. Can you imagine how painful that was for him? How much that blocked his ability to feel successful and enjoy so many aspects of Yiddishkeit — especially davening and learning Torah?

One of the few bright lights in this painful journey was that when my son was diagnosed with dyslexia, the team recommended we reach out to Children’s Dyslexia Centers, whose programs offered an Orton-Gillingham based, multisensory structured language education (MSLE) approach. It was funded by donations and was free! It took time, but it made a huge difference in my son’s ability to read English. Now, as an adult, I see him pick up 500-page novels.

Sadly, though, he’s currently not frum and still struggling with many emotional and mental-health challenges from his experiences. I pray for him and beg the schools to implement Devorah Sasson’s method so they can do a better job supporting our children.

A Pained Mother

Look For It Elsewhere [To Be Honest / Issue 945]

I was nodding along as I began reading this opinion piece suggesting we limit how much our teenage girls go driving around with friends. It’s something I’ve been noticing and thinking about recently.

The piece took a turn I wasn’t expecting when it said, “I’ve heard many a mother express her wish that their daughters feel content to hang out with her own family in the kitchen.” Shouldn’t we, as the adults in the situation, gently share with our daughters that we’d love for them to be around after school hours? Shouldn’t we be asking them what’s going on that they feel the need to be out so much? And shouldn’t we be asking ourselves, “What am I doing to contribute to this situation?”

I truly believe that when a home is a place of kedushah and connection, girls will want to be part of it. Of course, they’ll still want to go out with their friends, but it won’t be at a frenetic pace that leaves their mothers feeling like their daughters are running away from something. High school girls crave meaning and connection, and if they don’t find it in their home, they will run to find it elsewhere.

Name Withheld

Let Them Get It Out of Their System [To Be Honest / Issue 945]

As a fairly new wife and mother who struggles with the day-to-day responsibility that adult life brings, I have to say that the only way I get through it is because I got those times — when I was free of responsibility, driving around having fun with my friends — out of my system already.

To the mothers who are so worried that their daughters think it’s boring to stay at home schmoozing with you, trust me, they’ll be running back to schmooze with you once they’re married. I say let teenagers obsess over friends and enjoy going out and having fun now; that way they’ll realize it’s overrated anyway, and they’ll be ready for the boring parts of life.

Anonymous

Israel

Unwell on the Inside [Pulses of Hope / Issue 943]

Thank you to Gitty F. for sharing her experience with postpartum depression. I feel the need to highlight that not all cases of postpartum depression (or depression at any stage of life) result in the patient not being able to get out of bed, as in Gitty’s experience.

I unfortunately suffered from postpartum depression for a year and a half before getting a diagnosis and treatment, in large part because I had an image of a woman stuck in bed, not able to take care of her baby. While I wondered if I might have postpartum depression, I discounted it because I was getting out of bed and working hard, all the while suffering with a miserable quality of life.

I didn’t just cover up my condition from the people in my life, but even from myself, so I’d like to raise awareness that it is possible to function well on the outside while being very, very sick on the inside.

Anonymous

 

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 948)

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