“If you have rachmanus, you don’t need savlanus”

Set Up to Struggle [Pulses of Hope / Issue 943]

I read the story about the woman who had PPD after having twins and was wondering if there is a connection between PPD and our expectations of women after birth. Too many women have a need to look and be perfect so soon after a baby. So many go back to work soon after giving birth. Getting household help is sometimes looked down on. Also, so many women work hard at jobs and other venues until the moment they go into labor.

Maybe we need to do it differently?

When our children are weaker and need some help, we get right to work finding the right thing for them. But when a woman is weakened physically, emotionally, and hormonally from pre- and post-childbirth, why isn’t it the norm to get more cleaning help, a baby nurse, babysitting for the older children, meals, etc.?

Are we setting up Yiddishe mammas to struggle?

M.P.

Common Ground(s) [Living Room / Issue 943]

As avid gardeners, we are always thrilled to see articles and features that focus on indoor and outdoor gardening activities. We also like to say that the most successful gardeners have killed the most plants because they have learned through trial and error what works... and what doesn’t!

A quick correction: Repotting is unlikely to get rid of fungus gnats, and you shouldn’t use homemade pest control solutions for a variety of reasons. Store-bought products (like Neem Oil-based sprays) are formulated to an industry standard that is safe for your plants and your home.

We also want to take this opportunity to invite your Lakewood-local readers to visit Common Grounds, a community garden located at the John F. Patrick Sports Complex. Common Grounds is a project of One Ocean County, a nonprofit founded to build bridges between the different communities living in and around Lakewood.

We host family-friendly activities and events at the garden, geared at educating the community on plant-related topics. Our head gardener, Ayala, is also available for workshops to schools and other nonprofits. Most of our programming is free or subsidized.

Finally, we want your readers to know they can make use of their local Master Gardeners with any questions they might have. Master Gardeners are trained by their state’s land-grant college, and have a free helpline and doing Tick ID. Ayala is the second frum person in Ocean County to be counted among them.

Tova Herskovitz, Founder, One Ocean County

Ayala Hindy Schlossberg, Rutger’s Certified Master Gardener

More than Marshmallows [Poll / Issue 943]

I’m writing in response to the poll on whether and how women celebrate Lag B’omer. I’d like to respectfully point out that the terms used — such as fun and roasting marshmallows — reflect a surface-level understanding of a day that holds deep spiritual meaning for many.

One poll response stated that, “Rabi Shimon cared about Torah and nothing else.” That is absolutely correct, and it’s because of that truth that we sing and dance on Lag B’omer.

This is the day when Rabi Shimon revealed the Zohar and more of Toras Hanistar. These teachings are also part of the foundation of chassidus. Altogether, this is why the day is celebrated so joyously and meaningfully.

If one takes even a few minutes to read translations of the songs traditionally sung on Lag B’omer, it becomes clear that they’re not about bonfires or roasting marshmallows, but about Rabi Shimon and the light of Torah he revealed to the world.

In Meron, where Lag B’omer has been celebrated for centuries, even by the Ari Hakadosh, the central event is not a bonfire but a “hadlakah.” The chai rotel given out isn’t party food, but food and drink distributed to nourish travelers and feed those in need, part of the day’s spiritual merit and joy. Many have seen yeshuos by giving tzedakah for chai rotel.

Lag B’omer isn’t merely a celebration of fun. It’s a chance to tap into the power of the day and internalize the light revealed through Rabi Shimon, to daven, to open our hearts and minds, and to connect deeply with Hashem and His Torah.

N. Jaffe

A Middos Test [Second Guessing Response / Issue 943]

I was so relieved to see that all the respondents agreed that slightly obnoxious teenage Miri shouldn’t be excluded from carpool because of her moodiness. You had me scared there for a week!

As an out-of-towner who lives in a place where carpools are part of our daily lives, it has been said that you can find out who a person is not only “b’koso, b’kiso ub’kaaso,” but also “b’karpoolo”! Peoples’ bad middos come out when they’re faced with the stress of carpooling. The bad middos exposed here was that of Basya and Tzipporah. It would have been a real case of sinas chinam that we’re trying so hard to stay away from.

Miri didn’t do anything wrong! So she has a bad attitude that makes you uncomfortable? You can handle it! It’s 20 minutes a week! Think of all the hurt and shame you would put on Devorah and her daughter. And the lesson you’d be teaching the other very impressionable high school girls is that if someone is behaving a bit out of your comfort level, just dispose of them!

Honestly, as I was reading the piece, I was waiting to hear something sinister, that Miri took out a phone and exposed the girls to inappropriate content, or that she was picking fights with the girls. These are things that have happened in carpools I’ve been in.

I think Basya has been dealing well with Miri, trying to be friendly, but not giving into her kvetching that she gets dropped off last. I like most of the advice that people sent in, like put on music, make a machsom l’fi, ask Hashem for help. I think speaking to her or her mother will very likely not help and can seriously hurt. Miri will just think that you’re another adult who doesn’t understand her, and she’ll distance herself more from the mainstream adults she knows. Devorah will likely feel pressured to control her daughter’s behavior. This in turn will causes a breakdown in the mother-daughter relationship.

Have compassion for Devorah and Miri, like Mama Herman of All for the Boss). If you have rachmanus, you don’t need savlanus. It’s tried and true. If you can find it in your heart to feel for her, you won’t need to work on having patience for her. The bad feelings will just melt away. Compassion is very powerful emotion, and we need more of that among us.

Rivky

Keep It Simple [Family Table / Issue 942]

Regarding the article, “Pretty in Pink Kiddush,” mazel tov to the new mommy of baby girly!

I noticed that you wrote that you live in a close-knit out-of-town community. What a brachah! I feel that the menu suggestion in the magazine was over the top for an out-of-town community. It’s an achrayus, especially since you and your husband are both in chinuch, that you don’t raise the bar in gashmiyus. The kiddush can be beautiful, tasteful, and much simpler.

A typical kiddush in my neighborhood doesn’t include any specialty drinks. Regular soda/seltzer/water is perfect! One or two salads is more than enough. If you’d like to make or buy one or two types of dessert, just do what you think tastes good or is easy for you. Your friends will b’ezras Hashem send the rest — their signature brownies, cookies, cannolis, etc., and those ubiquitous mini candy platters.

Rochel L.

Cleveland, OH

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 945)