“They should be thanking Hashem that their own teenage daughters aren’t giving them this type of angst”

My Former Teacher [Editor’s Letter / Issue 942]

Adina Lover, you had me chuckle last week when I read your editor’s note, Speak Up, and talked about meeting your high school teacher.  The school I teach in used to have "Grandparents Day" once a year. Basically, it gives grandparents a chance to pop into their grandkids’ classes and shep nachas.

One year, in walked my high-school English teacher, as that year her granddaughter was in my class. I loved this teacher in high school and I was very excited to see her when she walked in. I said to my students, “Oh, wow, my old English teacher is here!”

She looked at me with that inimitable twinkle in her eye and a smile on her face and humorously corrected me: “Are you calling me old? I am your former teacher!”

I said, “Oh, my goodness, of course, of course! I’m so sorry! See, you’re still teaching me correct English even after all these years!”

Needless to say, I haven’t made that mistake again!

Leah S.

Well-Meaning but Damaging [Inbox / Issue 942]

It was quite shocking to see previous Inbox letters regarding the Blurred Boundaries article about an overenthusiastic rebbi whose relationship with his talmid bothered the talmid’s parents. I was so sure there would be many letters written regarding the article, but not in support of the rebbi and excusing his behavior! I thought the opposite. The article outlined red flag after red flag of very obvious grooming type and manipulative behaviors. Let’s say, best-case scenario and what the previous letter writers would like to believe, this rebbi was just naive and had the best intentions.

His behavior, however, still had negative repercussions. He created a relationship with this child that put the child in a vulnerable position. He left this child distrusting his parents and thinking it is normal for a grown man to be available to him any time, even at night, and to have spent a lot of money on him, etc.  How is this not obviously problematic?

Boundaries are put in place for a reason. Well-meaning rebbis and teachers should be aware that buying expensive gifts, letting your student call you “any time,” having private conversations that create a rift between a child and their parents, are no-nos.

C.S.

A Conscious Choice [Second Guessing / Issue 942]

I really enjoyed this read and the dialectical dilemma of whether these mothers should reorganize their carpool to exclude a difficult teenager whose attitude is souring the atmosphere for everyone.

Like almost everything in life, there is no one answer.

There’s truth to both sides. Of course, it’s easy to latch on to what’s “right” on paper and say, “Of course you should continue to take her in the carpool because it’s chesed! It’s the right thing!”

On the other hand, if affects everyone else in the car’s mood; if they resent it, it’s not simple.

If it would be a client who asked me this question, I’d probably engage in active listening and help her reflect (after, of course, the prerequisite qualifications that I’m not a posek and also that it’s up to the client; we don’t tell clients what to do) to determine what she wants to do.

If the mothers involved can manage their moods, reframe their thoughts, and basically be okay with the situation and focus on the chesed, great! We’re all faced with nisyonos, whether in everyday life or while engaging in high-level chesed.

But if a person decides that it’s too hard and can’t, there’s no shame in that. That may be an emotional boundary that’s necessary to put in place. And sometimes it’s helpful for people to reflect on their options and realize they have a choice. Most things in life can be a conscious choice.

Avrohom Leffler, LCSW

Lakewood, NJ

No Sympathy [Second Guessing / Issue 942]

I’m finding it very hard to feel any sympathy for the two carpool mothers who are finding it so hard to tolerate Miri, an obnoxious teenager. They should be thanking Hashem that their own teenage daughters aren’t giving them this type of angst. It’s no credit to them if their own children aren’t as challenging. It’s a gift that should be immensely appreciated, especially when confronted with one that is so hard for them to tolerate for just 20 minutes a day. What about some sensitivity to Miri’s mother? I’d think that especially in these days of Sefirah, where we’re more cognizant of treating our friends and neighbors with compassion, there should be no question or need to think about whether to include Miri in the carpool or not!

B.L.

Her Taste in Earrings [Inbox / Issue 942]

As an all-boy mother, I disagree with the letter on shidduch pictures in which Mrs. Weiss wrote, “It’s very difficult to assess what a girl is like from a résumé and making phone calls. While a picture doesn’t represent the essence of a girl… it gives a glimpse of a girl.”  You’re correct that it gives a glimpse of a girl: of her physical appearance, and possibly her taste in earrings. Nothing else.

Mrs. Weiss continues, “Girls of shidduch age are out and about... dressed up in their finest, looking their best... This seems very hypocritical to me.” There’s a very strong difference: When I see my single coworkers in the office, or at a simchah, I’m seeing a full person, not just a picture. In person, I don’t only see a well-dressed and put-together young lady. I’m seeing and interacting with a person who has chein, charisma, and many other fine traits that don’t come through in a picture, and yes, that makes a difference.

Finally, can we please stop calling young women in shidduchim “girls”? Our system, throughout the spectrum of the Torah world, produces young women who blow their secular counterparts out of the park with their maturity, responsibility, and idealism. Let’s please give them the designations they deserve.

Rachel Lewin

Chicago, IL

Desensitized [Inbox / 942]

Reading Mrs. Weiss’s letter spiked my anxiety levels. There’s a bigger issue here. In Yiddishkeit, if something is wrong, it’s wrong. We don’t decide what’s okay based on what’s convenient. She admits she once gasped at the idea of shidduch pictures, but now she’s used to it. That doesn’t make it less wrong — it just means she’s become desensitized.

Honestly? Even if you take the tzniyus piece out completely (and you shouldn’t), it’s still a problem. I’ve been in shidduchim for well over a decade, and I still don’t, and won’t, send a picture. I’m not a product for sale. You don’t get the picture and decide if I’m worth meeting. I’m a human being. You want to know what I look like? Come meet me. Talk to me. See who I actually am. Nothing terrible will happen if a boy meets a girl in person without seeing a curated photo first. Pictures lie. They don’t just lie a little — they’re fake. They leave out the things that matter most: posture, energy, warmth, presence.

I once saw a picture of a guy and thought he looked great. Nice looking, polished, the whole thing. I made some calls and went out with him — and he was actually the single most socially awkward person I’ve ever met. He couldn’t make eye contact and lacked basic social skills. His face looked just like the picture, but the picture didn’t show who he was. Not even close.

This isn’t about one mother’s preference. This is about how we treat people, how we make judgments, and how quickly we forget that a real person is more than a digital snapshot.

No Picture (and this time not even a name....)

She’s Not Self-Centered [Know This / Issue 941]

I wonder if the letter writers who criticized the article about a woman who went from poor to rich read the same article that I did. The article that I read describes a woman who was suddenly blessed with wealth after a life filled with struggling to make ends meet. She is filled with wonder at the blessing and is grateful. She does have a weakness for fashion but she is aware of the weakness and happily shares her outfits.

She has challenges as well. She writes, “Sometimes it’s hard to know who wants friendship and who just wants something.” That is very painful. Like all of us, she is human and longs for real friendship. Perhaps the depth of her pain could have been explored more, but I don’t see this woman as being self-centered. She’s someone who’s trying to do the right thing (note the hachnassas kallah organization she runs), but doesn’t have unlimited resources. Just because she now has money doesn’t mean she isn’t entitled to human feelings. I thought there was a lot of food for thought in this story; it wasn’t superficial at all.

Name Withheld

Correction: The Critter Chronicles in Issue 943 was compiled and partially written by Shoshana Gross. We regret the omission of her name.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 944)