“It’s very lonely facing the world as a married woman yet so very much a single mom with an additional adult child”

Mama Bears Are Necessary [Elevate / Issue 937]

In the special needs world, there are entire organizations that employ teams of full-time staff whose sole mission is to help families navigate the bureaucratic systems to obtain the services their special children need, deserve, and thrive on. Mama Bears are absolutely necessary, albeit in the presence and with the support of Papa.

R. Levy

More than One Email [Elevate / Issue 937]

I always appreciate Esther Kurtz’s columns and her insights about the interplay between bitachon/emunah/hishtadlus. I was a bit concerned that the piece about Devorah’s daughter receiving special needs services only with the sending of one email may have given a misleading message to some parents, especially new ones, facing a lifetime ahead with a special needs child.

As a parent of a special needs child, who has worked hard to achieve a synthesis of bitachon and hishtadlus, I wanted to share an additional piece to this picture: the complexity and delicateness of the process of receiving services for one’s child. It’s a completely time-consuming and ongoing process, often lasting for the entirety of the child’s life — something very difficult for parents of non-special needs children (and even for parents of special needs children who are younger, and are just getting used to the new reality) to grasp.

Often, the reality across many states is that children in the special needs system don’t get the services they need without a very effective set of advocates, beginning with their parents and extending to concentric circles of other advocates working on behalf of a child.

To someone starting out this journey, I would say that everyone’s experience is unique. But to help your child as much as possible, begin with the givens of tefillah, bitachon, and emunah, and continue with unrelenting advocacy and active effort if you believe a service is warranted.  Do it politely, do it in a way that is mekadesh Shem Shamayim, but don’t assume that you can always send an email, get the services, and have it done. Sometimes you will be successful, and sometimes you won’t, but if you’re successful even a percentage of the time, your child will be in a much better place.

Everything is in Hashem’s Hands — and He has entrusted these special needs children to us to ensure their best care — sometime that needs a lot more than relying on bitachon and sending one email.

Name Withheld

In Writing [Financing, Forlorn / Issue 937]

I read the article on the widow who struggled financially with a heavy heart. A close family member of mine struggled greatly when her husband passed away, and she started having to deal with finances. Her husband had been business partners with his brother for over 50 years. Their relationship was one of trust and nothing was done on paper. But after his uncle’s petirah, the brother’s son, who was registered as the estate manager, started to play games. My family member didn’t see a cent for many years, and when she did, it was a fraction of her share of the business. My message is to keep your eyes open. Ask questions.  And request that every single monetary arrangement be clearly detailed in writing.

N. G.

Brooklyn, New York

Mine’s a Life Sentence [Know This / Issue 936]

“My husband’s diagnosis is a life sentence,” wrote this woman about her husband’s cancer.

Those words really hit home. My husband has ASD. I’m not looking to minimize any nisayon, chas v’shalom. I just want to share. I related very well to the thoughts, pain, and feeling of being emotionally drained this woman described. It was so validating. I also strongly noticed how she seemed to receive an outpouring of caring and help, while I live a lonely nisayon. Yes, I have therapy, rabbanim, and minimal help from some organizations. My friends feel too burdened when I share and can’t relate to my life. Family just doesn’t understand what I mean and how to help. It’s hard to share in this dynamic.

It’s very lonely facing the world as a married woman yet so very much a single mom with an additional adult child. The mountainous cliff to climb of my life is tremendous. I don’t think I can collect all the confetti that popped from my balloon, ever.

And yes, there are reasons for me to stay within this lonely marriage. Somehow, reading that article made me want to give a shout-out for myself and the other brave, strong women I’m sure there are who are fighting a lonely fight with determination.

Is there a support group for women with spouses who are neurodivergent or are on the spectrum?

Lonely and Fighting My Best

The Gift of Divorce [Words Unspoken / Issue 936]

I want to commend the woman who wrote about how being the child of divorce has strengthened her and made her into worthy spouse material. I agree! As someone who married a bochur from a divorced home, I’d like to add to this conversation.

Divorce is a very painful thing for a child to go through. Whatever happened, it’s difficult to see your parents split up and all that comes with this situation. Because of that, most children of divorce are very, very determined that this will never happen to them. This means that they will do everything in their power to strengthen themselves for marriage. Whether that translates into asking for guidance, reading countless shalom bayis books, or generally putting in huge amounts of effort, the end result is that they will be much better prepared for marriage than the average seminary graduate or yeshivah bochur. They want to Make. This. Work.

My husband came into marriage as an adult, not a boy. I married a man. Marrying a man means someone who has worked on himself, dealt with conflict, improved his middos, and learned to deal with challenging situations. In marriage that is huge.

An important thing to remember in shidduchim is that the divorce is not the children’s fault. There is nothing that they have done to deserve being shunned by prospective dates. These young adults have come from an unfortunate situation and have risen to the challenge and become stronger people. Another significant aspect is that no divorce is the same. People tend to shy away from the big, “scary” word, but sometimes it’s just a matter of two very nice people who it didn’t work out for. Rather than ignoring that résumé, ask. What are the circumstances? How did it affect the children? Do your research.

The best thing for children of divorce is when people accept them for who they are and don’t judge them for their situation. The less of a big deal you make of it, the better. They just want to be normal because they are! The only “not normal” thing about my husband is that he’s got the most amazing middos I have ever seen. I merited a gift by looking outside of society’s box.

To all those future mothers-in-law out there, don’t throw out a gem with a résumé just because of one word. Do your research; you might just be giving your child the gift of a lifetime.

Name Withheld

Homeschool Collaboration [Horses and Home Depot / Issue 936]

Kudos to Lori Holzman Schwartz for writing a beautiful article on homeschooling that was objective, didn’t require the protagonist to justify her decision, didn’t automatically equate homeschooling with other lifestyle choices, and didn’t end in the protagonist “recognizing her grave mistake.”

Hopefully, with time and articles like these, options for school choice will become destigmatized and a viable option for whoever so chooses.

This year, my daughter is part of a beautiful homeschool collaboration in Lakewood, NJ. Eight families banded together to create the group. Before the school year, we decided on goals and skills that we wanted to teach the girls (note that we teach the girls skills as opposed to subjects). We used that list as our guide to hire teachers to fill those roles. We matched teachers to skill areas that they’re experts in, which minimizes preparation for the teachers and increases their enthusiasm for the subject. Each teacher teaches for one to two hours a school day, one to four times a week, which works well for teachers who teach in other venues and just want an extra hour or two. There’s also flexibility for the teachers who can swap times with another teacher when needed.

The parents have roles in the group so that each family feels like they are “doing nothing major” and yet major things happen, and the group, baruch Hashem, basically runs itself.

I would love to see more of these groups open so that they can accommodate any student who wishes to take part.

Mrs. Shaina Basser

The Pintele Yid [War Diaries / Issue 933]

As you’re reading an article, sometimes one sentence jumps out at you. In Penina Steinbruch’s beautifully written, poignant War Diaries essay, it was,  “As the world pushes us away, they push us into each other’s arms.”

How true is this!

I was recently paired up with a learning partner who lives several time zones away in a small town with no Jewish community. After October 7, her “pintele Yid” was awakened and she has sought to learn about her Jewish Heritage. She wants to learn all about Shabbos, Yom Tov, and mitzvos. She was thrilled to find out her Hebrew name from a distant relative and she proudly wears her Magen David necklace. I hope Hashem grants me the tools to help her on this journey.

We’ve been hearing many more stories like this over the past months, and I daven that every one of these newly burning flames will bring us closer to Mashiach, bimheirah b’yameinu.

R.Z.

NYC

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 939)