“The COBT experience is hardly one-size-fits-all, and many of us had (and have) a relationship with our non-frum families”

Bubby’s Tears [Encounters / Issue 935]

Thank you, Bracha Gan, for your incredibly well-written article on having BT family. The article had my family in stitches. Everything was so relevant and true!

I want to add another factor that I’ve experienced as the child of a BT: the stories, the family legacies, the mesorah — or the lack of them. While the family legends include something like Great Grandma Phyllis’s matzah ball soup that flopped at the family Seder, there weren’t stories of mesirus nefesh to be proud of, like my friend Sarah’s great-grandmother who joined the Bais Yaakov movement in its early stages to keep clear of the Haskalah Movement, or Bracha’s great-grandfather from the Lower East Side who received a pink slip every Friday because he refused to work on Shabbos.

My family history is a bit different, something like the drama you see in a Bais Yaakov play, when Hinda’s struggling teenaged son stalks out of the house, slamming the door with a, “My name isn’t Baruch anymore, it’s Boris now,” as he goes to join the Communists. Or when Herschel was faced with the choice whether or not to come to the factory on Shabbos, and he did show up to work.

Us BTs and children of BTs learn to write our own story. And I like to think that there is part of the story that no one on this Earth knows. When Baruch/Boris slid down the slippery slope of Communism, his mother, Hinda, sat by the window with her tear-drenched Tehillim, davening for his return. And as Herschel got on the boat to sail to Ellis Island, his father bentshed him with emotion with the strength to remain a Yid. And although many years have passed, Hashem hasn’t forgotten this. I believe this is part of the reason why many BTs are frum today. These are our stories of glory.

Dina Finkel

A Different COBT Perspective [Encounters / Issue 935]

It was interesting to me, the child of baalei teshuvah, to read this humorous account about us. It made it clear to me that every individual has a unique experience, even within a shared phenomenon, because the piece didn’t resonate with me at all. I was fortunate to have grown up with many friends who were also the children of baalei teshuvah and in a community in which there wasn’t the slightest stigma attached to it.

Perhaps because we didn’t feel like the odd ones out, my friends and I weren’t the least bit embarrassed by or confounded by our non-frum relatives. We accepted that their lives were not like ours and didn’t react with shock when confronted with that reality up close. We loved our non-frum grandparents and cousins and felt cherished by them, even when they didn’t get it quite right in hashgachos or basic understanding of our frum lives.

I’m not negating in any way the experience of others who had it harder, merely pointing out that the COBT experience is hardly one-size-fits-all, and many of us had (and have) a relationship with our non-frum families that we don’t need to laugh off in a self-deprecating manner, and we thank Hashem for that every day.

R.L.

EMDR Is Evidence Based [Inbox / Issue 935]

I respectfully disagree with Dr. Chaya Lieba Kobernick’s letter to the editor entitled “No Evidence” in which she said that “EMDR and mindfulness, while popular, aren’t primary evidence-based treatments for anxiety.” EMDR is in fact a well-researched, evidence-based treatment for a number of different forms of anxiety, which can offer long-term relief. A simple search for “Efficacy of EMDR Therapy for Anxiety Disorders” provides extensive research.

Therapy isn’t one-size-fits-all, and while CBT can be effective for managing symptoms, EMDR can heal the root causes of distress, bringing lasting relief so there’s no need to manage symptoms. Both approaches have their place (as do other evidence-based therapies), and the best treatment depends on the individual’s needs.

Elyan Rosenbaum, LMHC, NCC

Anxiety & Trauma Therapist at Rosenbaum Therapy | EMDR & IFS Trained

Who Should Decide If Children Fundraise? [Fiction / Issue 935]

The satirical piece “To Whom It May Concern” about fundraising in our generation was very funny — except that it wasn’t. Because, as humorous as it was, it highlighted a very real issue in our communities.

Online fundraising campaigns have become a staple in frum communities, providing essential support to charities. But while these campaigns benefit many causes, a troubling pattern has emerged — children, often as young as eight, are being directly incentivized to participate. A recent campaign in my area promised schoolchildren who raised $500 a plane trip abroad. My son was possibly the only one in his class who didn’t sign up.

There are valid arguments on both sides regarding children’s involvement in fundraising. However, the key issue is not whether they should be involved, but who should make that decision. The responsibility lies with parents, yet more and more, organizations are bypassing them and appealing directly to children.

When a child is promised a reward for reaching a fundraising goal, he or she doesn’t consider whether it’s fair to pressure financially struggling relatives, if calling elderly donors late at night is appropriate, or that a donation to their page often obligates their parents to reciprocate in future campaigns. Many fundraising campaigns rely on online platforms, requiring Internet access. In homes where children don’t typically use the Internet, these campaigns undermine parental restrictions. Additionally, children may start idolizing wealthy donors who contribute large sums, shifting their values from spiritual growth and Torah learning to financial success. While philanthropy is admirable, our primary chinuch should focus on Torah and middos.

In our community, a certain tzedakah mails children glossy brochures of prizes. The rewards aren’t based on how much they learn, but on how much they collect. The charity doesn’t even operate locally, yet children eagerly solicit donations without knowing what they’re raising money for. To prove this point, I ask every child collecting through this initiative what the charity does. Not one has ever been able to answer. I promise them that if they find out and return, I will donate. To date, not a single one has come back — likely because their parents don’t know either.

These organizations have become like the Pied Piper, leading children with the lure of prizes and rewards. Yes, parents technically have a choice to say no, but in reality, it’s almost impossible to go against the tide. Denying a child the opportunity to win the same prizes as all their peers feels like an unfair punishment. So while parents may still hold theoretical control, in practice, they’re left with little real choice. It’s our job as parents to tackle this issue and protest when our children are targeted. The Torah places the responsibility of chinuch on parents, not mosdos. If we open up this discussion — both in conversations and through frum publications — we may be able to turn the tide on this disturbing trend.

Anonymous

Don’t Defame Us [Family Connections / Issue 935]

We’re writing in response to the Connections titled “My Teen Won’t Talk.” This is not the first time an article has been published generalizing teens in an unflattering manner. We have seen countless articles, columns, stories, and even advertisements portraying teens in a bad light.

This is problematic for many reasons.

Firstly, saying that teens are moody, dramatic, ultrasensitive, difficult to deal with, or any adjective that can be taken negatively is hurtful. How can you say that about hundreds of thousands of good, Jewish girls, most of whom dedicate hours a day to working on their middos and avodas Hashem? For the hundreds of thousands of teens who try to always behave in a way that will reflect the essence of a bas Yisrael, it can be really painful to see themselves categorized as difficult.

Teenage girls are people, with neshamos, created b’tzelem Elokim. We’re not toys that you call customer service about when we’re not working the way you want us to.

We really appreciated Mrs. Radcliffe’s response, as she considered the teens’ perspective. She acknowledged that the asker’s question might have reflected an inner challenge that the mother faced, and the teen was not necessarily to blame.

We would implore the asker — and all those who speak out against teens — to remember all the times a teen has helped them, done chesed for them, helped them make Shabbos, babysat, or assisted with younger children, and consider: Are teens really so bad?

Respectfully,

Teens

You’re Not Alone  [Inbox / Issue 933]

In reference to the letter writer who wrote “Husbands with Health Issues,” about being the wife of a husband who is nonfunctional due to mental health issues, you’re not alone! What you’re going through is excruciating painful — I know because I’m just like you.

Being a “single” mom of a husband with mental health issues is so difficult and so hard to explain to our own children (and we would never let anyone outside of the house know what is going on). But there is support out there! Under the auspices of the organization Catch, run by Jessica Tzur, there is a support group for women who are going through what you are going through. This group started small, and although we’re unable to meet in person (who will hold down the fort when our husbands are in bed with Depression?!) we do have an active WhatsApp group where we support each other. Feel free to reach out to info@catchsupport.org for more information.

We’re all waiting for the day when mental health issues will be treated like cancer, with support for the family from well-funded organizations, without the stigma and secrecy attached to it. Until then, we continue to daven that the right shaliach will come to help our husbands on their healing journey, and we continue to be the superwoman our family needs and support the other superwomen out there.

Name Withheld,

Far Rockaway

My Cry for Help [Real Life / Issue 931]

I’m writing in response to the story of the girl who was being abused by a neighbor and was therefore misbehaving in class as a cry for help. I could relate to this story because I was once a six-year-old in a very similar situation. I was a bright girl who asked many questions and challenged the teacher consistently. One Friday morning, my class was davening, and I wasn’t pointing into the siddur. The teacher told me to point, but I didn’t listen. She quickly admonished me and said I had to go stand in the corner. Again, I refused to listen and so she threatened to call the principal.

The principal arrived and urged me to pack up my belongings and come with her. I remember thinking, “I don’t want to go home!” Therefore, I defiantly refused. My principal was fuming at my stubbornness, and to my horror, she grabbed my briefcase and stationery album (yes, that’s what we collected) and stormed out!

The fight wasn’t over. At the end of the day, the class left to the buses, but I stubbornly stayed put. I wasn’t going anywhere without my briefcase. Shabbos was coming and that would mean I would have to wait till Monday to get it back. Some of my classmates noticed me crying in the corner of the room. Immediately, they informed the office that I wanted my briefcase and I wasn’t going home.

I’ll never forget what followed. Instead of realizing that I’d gotten the message to listen to authority, the principal overstepped her boundaries. She stormed in with the secretary and attempted to drag me to the bus. The principal held my feet, while the secretary held my hands. In front of the whole school, I was humiliated as I was dragged to my bus, screaming for my briefcase.

It didn’t end there. I still had to write apology letters and miss a Lag B’omer trip.

Like the girl in the story, I suffered a lot of shame and guilt because of this incident that didn’t have to happen. I also felt that my boundaries were violated because I was physically dragged out. This incident also led me to lose trust in adults, and so I continued to misbehave. As I got older, I realized that nobody noticed that my misbehavior was a cry for help. Then, when I entered teenagerhood, I began to shut down and became the good girl everyone wanted me to be. It took some years of therapy and maturity to forgive the principal.

Today, I’m proud to say I’ve learned my lesson. I’m a special educator and have taught and tutored for the last ten years. I have the ability to connect to the “challenging” girls because I’ve been in their shoes. I’ve rarely found that children misbehave for no reason. And it’s often these hurt kids who have the depth and energy to change our world for the better.

C.R.

Second Guessing Responses

Last Week

This last day with Eliana’s kids in my house goes by in a blur of regret and overenthusiasm. Like, please remember I’m the cool mom and not the crazy lady who abandons you all so she can cry. I make pancakes for breakfast; the children are pumped, but Ephraim thinks I’m being a martyr.

Later, Eliana comes to get them, arms filled with gifts for both my family and her kids. I bring her their overnight bags, and I ask her how the trip was. We make small talk, and I hear my own voice: I don’t sound sincere.

It’s Thursday, she’s jet-lagged, and I know a stronger person would offer at least dessert for Shabbos, but I literally can’t meet my best friend’s eyes. I’m just so wrung out; I feel brittle. I also think of what Ephraim would say....

A week later, I realize I’m delaying opening Eliana’s texts. I know this will pass — I’m not not going to be friends with her — but I still wonder if taking her children was the right thing to do.

It Doesn’t Have to Be Easy

B.G.

Yes, you did the right thing by taking your friend’s children. Yes, you should stretch yourself to be a giving person, to help your friend and to host. This is called chesed. We are Yidden. This is what we do. This is who we are.

Your dilemma is a perfect example of 2025 expectations, that every time we do the right thing, it will be easy and comfortable.

Life is not always like that. Sometimes, we do the right thing, and we have hard moments thrown in. You watched three beautiful Yiddishe neshamos for five days. As a bonus, they happen to also be your friend’s children and good friends with your kids.

Most of the time it went swimmingly well, and you coped even if you were tired. You did crash toward the end for a bit, which isn’t so pretty, but lucky you, you have a supportive husband who picked up the slack and then some. All good! (Just make sure you show appreciation for the prince you married!)
If you would let go of the expectation that life needs to always be easy and comfortable, every single day, or else you are doing too much, then you would feel as confident in your decision as I am!

Good Friends Are a Treasure

Adina W., Ramat Beit Shemesh

Tamar did the right thing by taking Eliana’s kids so Eliana could travel with her husband. Good friends who are like family are a real treasure, and it sounds to me like they have an amazing sisterly friendship. But I do think that Tamar should have thought about how to make it easier for herself, perhaps asking Eliana to arrange a nightly babysitter/mother’s helper, maybe some cleaning help, and/or sending her pizza a couple of times to alleviate some of the pressure.

Right/Wrong/Personal Choice?

Rayzel Reich

There’s good news and there’s bad news.

Life is a never-ending series of decisions. Some decisions are clearly right versus wrong. Some decisions provide a struggle to figure out which is right and which is wrong. And some decisions aren’t really about right or wrong, but rather about personal choice and how we want to live our lives.

The good news is that Tamar didn’t make a wrong decision. She thought about it carefully, she weighed her options, she acknowledged it would be difficult, and she decided that she wanted to stretch herself as a gift to her best friend. She sincerely thought that she could push herself, handle the stretch, and come out intact. It’s okay to decide to do something tough and slightly risky for a good cause.

The bad news is that Tamar didn’t fully think through the practical aspects of her noble plan.
Supermom propaganda convinces high-achieving women that it’s possible to do it all. The reality is that supermom can only fly with a VERY strong support system. It really does take a village.

For some women, the village can be parents, siblings, friends, neighbors, therapists, school moms, etc. For some women, the village replacement may be Maria the cleaning lady, Uncle Moishy, and frozen fish sticks.

If Tamar wants to be supermom for a week, she needs to identify her limitations, sit down to plan, gather her resources, and create a super village for a week.

1. Tamar has to acknowledge that this week is going to be a challenging one, and try to compress her work as much as possible. Mornings will be hard. Can she move any clients to a later time? Is there anyone who can be available in case of crisis while she’s at work?
2. Ephraim says he is on board. Is he available to help? If Tamar passes out, can he take over for a few hours? Discuss this clearly.
3. Is it an option to hire cleaning help for this week? If finances allow, there are often local cleaning services that can send someone on a temporary basis. No mountains of dishes, no oceans of toys.
4. Does Eliana have anyone who can help? Discuss clearly and sensitively. “I REALLY want to do this for you. I want to try to plan in a way so that it can work. Do you have any nieces or local high school girls who could be available to help out for a few hours?” Eliana knows she’s asking something big, and she would be happy to try to find help.
5. Does Tamar have any relatives who can help out in a pinch? “Ma, I know you told me you wanted to take the kids to that new park one afternoon. Would you be interested in taking the kids this week if it’s Elianas kids, too?”
6. Harness virtual power! The minute Tamar decides to go for it, she should download a local grocery app and start a delivery order for the next week. Nothing like groceries showing up at your door!  Go for extra snack bags, frozen falafel, or chicken nuggets... anything that will simplify life for a few days. Freezepops can dry tears, and a week of bribery isn’t a sin. Order some inexpensive toys that can keep kids occupied for hours. A few new boxes of crayons, puzzles, matchbox cars, etc., can go a long way.
7. Ask anyone and everyone for help. Does Tamar have any chats for neighbors or local friends? Put out an SOS. “Guys, I’m having a bunch of kids over next week and need activities. Does anyone have a collection of kids’ music CDs? Any old fun toys? Any bored teen girls? All ideas or help offers welcome!”

Tante Malky’s Goldy Gold collection can be a lifesaver, and Rebbe Alter can be very good at putting kids to sleep. Maybe Nechy from down the block can come over on Wednesday for her high school chesed hour, or maybe Dovid from next door wants to practice his magic show before a young audience.

Tamar seems like the type of person who can follow up good intentions with good organization. One good planning session can hopefully generate some much-needed support for a challenging week. If, on the other hand, no husband, relatives, or friends will be able to pick up the slack, Tamar may make a more informed decision that she can’t realistically take her friend’s kids.

Not all choices are a matter of right and wrong.

The gray areas can become quicksand for those who jump too fast, but they can also be a space in which to generate creative solutions for idealistic aspirations. Thinking out of the box can lower the risks and raise the rewards.

If Tamar is willing and able to acknowledge that she can’t just wing it, and put in the effort (and a little cash) to utilize every possible supportive resource, she can set herself up for a situation in which supermom is much more likely to fly through the air and land on both feet. Sheitel intact.

Learn from Your Mistakes

Fraidy Simkin, Jerusalem

Neither Tamar nor Eliana did anything intrinsically wrong. Tamar wanted to be there for Eliana, and it ended up being a lot more than she bargained for. Eliana was willing to forgo the trip with her husband, but didn’t do anything wrong by accepting Tamar’s offer to take the kids.

The only real mistakes are those we don’t learn from (like, don’t leave a bunch of young kids on their own without supervision, even if you are overwhelmed).

So you feel it was a bit of a disaster overall. But nothing too horrible happened... unless this happens again.

Next time they’ll both know to do some things differently. Talk scenarios through better and troubleshoot more.
Life is all about finding the balance. Tamar put a bit too much on her side of the scale; she needs to experiment with how much is too much and learn to take some of the weight off. And to be honest with Eliana about what happened, LATER, in a way that Eliana can hear it, in a way that’s not blaming, just sharing, and including her in future decisions that work for both (all) of them, husbands and kids included.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 937)