“...a troubling trend: rejecting evidence-based treatments in favor of vague, feel-good solutions”

No Evidence [A Better You / Issue 933]

Shoshana Schwartz’s piece “Healing Beyond Habits” where she suggested people experiencing anxiety heal it by “releasing the root causes through deeper methods like mindfulness, journaling, EFT tapping, and EMDR” highlights an important conversation about anxiety — but also reflects a troubling trend: rejecting evidence-based treatments in favor of vague, feel-good solutions. In any other area of medicine, we wouldn’t bypass proven methods for alternatives without substantial proof — why should mental health be different? As a frum community, we’re living the consequences of this.

EMDR and mindfulness, while popular, aren’t primary evidence-based treatments for anxiety. EMDR is primarily studied for PTSD, and its effectiveness comes from exposure — something CBT already incorporates in a more structured, collaborative, and transparent way. This raises concerns about informed consent. Mindfulness is a critical life skill, but not a standalone therapeutic strategy. Teaching mindfulness isn’t the same as treating anxiety — please don’t confuse the two. These methods may provide temporary relief, but don’t offer long-term solutions.

Dr. Chaya Lieba Kobernick

Founder/Director of The CBT/DBT Center

In the Same Boat [Save the Date / Issue 933]

Thank you, Rachel Burnham, for including the story about the 23-year-old girl who hadn’t yet gotten a single date in your serial. As I read it, my eyes popped out of my head and I thought, this is me! And so many other girls, although I haven’t heard it being talked about.

A girl can have nothing wrong with her and go years without getting a single date. In our system, that’s totally normal. She can do all the right things, meet with every shadchan in her city and out of town, too, and send them reminders every month and keep updating her résumé and use her connections and consider applying for American citizenship (if she’s from Canada or elsewhere) and daven, of course... and not get a single date for a long, long time.

A girl can have a brother who’s really similar to her, who, during his time in shidduchim (which started after her and ended before her) gets inundated with résumés. People will take advantage of the girl’s desperation to slip in a suggestion for her brother before trying to help her.

And over time, it can slowly start to feel like something must be wrong with her... but it’s not true. I want every girl who relates to any of this to know that it’s so normal and there’s nothing wrong with you. And to know that although it doesn’t seem like it, there are so many other girls like you in the same boat.

Anonymous

Canada

It’s on the Parents [Mismatch / Issue 932]

As an educator, I believe that the parent-teacher relationship is the main cause of a “mismatch” between a student and teacher in the classroom. Parents and teachers need to work together as a team to cultivate an environment in which the child can succeed. If a child is struggling with a teacher, the parents should address the teacher in a nonconfrontational, respectful way. Discussing strategies for helping a child succeed in a nonaggressive or accusatory way is more likely to achieve better results.

Parents need to realize that their relationship with their child’s teacher will most certainly subconsciously and possibly even consciously affect the teacher’s behavior toward a child. When a parent expresses dislike or negativity toward a teacher and acts toward them in a derogatory manner, the teacher will subconsciously have less patience for their child. This isn’t because the teacher is a horrible person; it’s human nature!

I’m very aware that I’ll be affected by disrespectful parents. I’ll put in extra effort to treat a child even better after a negative conversation with their parent to make sure I don’t subconsciously treat them in an unfair way. However, I’d like to strongly warn parents: Be careful how you talk to your child’s teacher. You yourself might be the one ruining their year.

T. Walfish MS.Ed

Give Us More Trust [Inbox / Issue 932]

I’d like to respond to the Inbox discussion about whether schools give more attention to their rule-breaking students than their rule-abiding ones. One Inbox letter suggested that if someone feels that way, she should realize the value of keeping rules and should reach out to a mentor for more nurturing.

While I wholeheartedly agree that mentorship is invaluable, I’ve found that in practice, it can be extremely difficult to find a rebbetzin who has the time to mentor a young woman. I know this topic is discussed frequently, and while there is effort being made to address it, the challenge remains.

I also wanted to share some thoughts on the role of rules in our schools. I’ve often observed that some of the rules imposed — particularly for older high school girls and seminary students — seem somewhat arbitrary. I believe that if rules were accompanied by clear explanations, as well as a distinction made between halachah, minhag, and community standards, they would be more effective. When girls understand the reasoning behind a rule, they’re far more likely to respect and internalize it.

I remember, for example, a class I once went to about sheitels. One teacher presented the topic in a judgmental manner, openly disparaging those whose standards didn’t align with hers. It left a very bad taste in my mouth. At another shiur, the teacher approached the same topic by presenting the issue in a well-researched and balanced way. Although this teacher wore a short synthetic wig, and I don’t, I think of her class to this day every time I buy a sheitel!

Finally, I believe that treating young women as the adults they’re becoming is crucial. I couldn’t help but reflect on this when I attended my first prenatal appointment, less than a year after being in seminary. I’d gone from being physically locked into a dorm at night because I wasn’t “trusted” to stay inside, to suddenly being entrusted with the immense responsibility of marriage and motherhood. It was a stark contrast and one that highlights the need to instill responsibility and self-trust in young women rather than simply enforcing obedience.

A Talmidah Who Always Followed the Rules (but Secretly Sometimes Resented Them)

Warmth vs. Scare Tactics [Second Guessing / Issue 930]

Ariella Schiller’s Second Guessing column is one of the first things I read in the Family First magazine. In just a few succinct sentences, she paints a vivid and very relatable fictitious scene, which is why I’m still chewing over her Second Guessing piece discussing Chev’s juggling act in keeping her kids away from her sick nieces and nephews to avoid having to miss work.

In my opinion, the real problem here is the very rigid and shortsighted boss Mr. Stern. Chev very generously describes him as a mensch, though his behavior clearly indicates the opposite. While Mr. Stern is only a fictitious character, there are far too many Mr. Sterns in real life, and it’s time we had a word about them.

Is it too much to ask that frum bosses realize that the women they employ have a life outside the office, too? Efficiency is all very nice. However, if in the quest for it, employees are being asked to twist themselves into all sorts of impossible positions, the long-term gain is very questionable. An employee who feels stifled by a controlling boss who lacks any understanding about her private life will be resentful at best. These types of bosses have high staff turnover, grumpy employees, and there’s no real business-ownership mentality among their staff. On the flip side, an employee who feels understood and cared for by her boss is more likely to go the extra mile when it’s warranted.

In today’s day and age, practically all office tasks can be performed remotely, and to forbid a staff member from working from home when she has a sick child to care for is bordering on workplace abuse.

I like to think of Aesop’s fable about the sun and wind having a contest to see who will get the traveler to remove his coat as a perfect metaphor for these situations. It’s warmth, not scare tactics, that get you the long-term results.

Mr. Stern, you may have won the battle, but you’re certainly not winning the war.

Rachel M.

Hostile Society [Second Guessing / Issue 930]

In response to the Second Guessing about a woman paranoid her children will get sick and she’ll have to take off from work, I’d like to highlight an important point that is often overlooked.

I’m a young mother employed in frum offices, who prides myself on being a reliable employee who devotes my all to my job, and I often encounter a disturbing attitude. It’s hard to clearly pinpoint this, so I’ll demonstrate with examples.

1. I have a toddler home with a bad case of flu. Besides needing her mommy, there is also an ethical problem sending a contagious child to a babysitter. I promptly notify my boss and ensure I’m set up to work remotely so I can still do my work, despite having been up half the night with said sick toddler. Yet I’m made to feel guilty and irresponsible and dishonest by not coming in, even though I’m behaving fully in line with company policy.
2. Mazel tov! I have a new baby. Until the bris, my boss generously doesn’t trouble me about work. Then my phone doesn’t stop ringing with nonurgent work questions, even though I made sure to tie up all loose ends and trained in someone to cover for me. By week four of my short six-week maternity leave, there are not-so-subtle nudges inquiring if I’m ready to come back to the office.
3. I’m one of many employees with a new baby, and there is a dedicated room set aside for our needs. Again, I’m meeting and exceeding expectations, yet my boss makes disapproving comments, or asks if I can just wait an hour or two before going to attend my needs, causing me to develop recurring infections.
4. My workday ends at 2:30 p.m. The preschool bus arrives at three. It’s a mad dash every day. I never leave before 2:30, and I make sure to finish up and clock out. Yet I’m treated as irresponsible for not voluntarily staying later. But I can’t have my three-year-old dropped off at an empty house!

All these are true examples that happened to me repeatedly at multiple workplaces. These were all part-time jobs in workplaces that employed many young mothers. All these were subtle and unreasonable expectations to forget my family and make work my priority, in ways that deemed me a more “dedicated” employee.

Sometimes I wonder, just like when a store denies me and my baby carriage entry; if we value Yiddishe mishpachos, why are we so hostile to women who have a family?

The bad employee with a degree, ten years of experience, and many satisfied clients

New York

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 935)