“Mothers of children with allergies never get a break, even when they’re sick in bed”

Listen to Your Intuition  [Save the Date / Issue 930]

Regarding using a dating coach, I’m writing from a place of hindsight. My family is chassidish, and my children meet their spouses through a beshow. One of my daughters was okay after her first meeting, and confused after the second. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to meet again, but also, if she was ready to opt out. She was very torn on how to proceed.

Wanting to “help” her through her indecisiveness, I offered for her to meet a dating coach that could help her take “it” apart and come to a decision. She ended up meeting again and getting engaged. They divorced.

Of course we went back, taking everything apart from the first phone call, to try and see where things went wrong. My daughter, who is very intuitive, feels very strongly that the dating coach was where we went wrong. Making a decision on a shidduch isn’t all emotional, all chemistry, or all cerebral. It’s all of your sechel and senses coming together, and if something doesn’t feel right in your gut… then most of the time, it’s not right for you. The dating coach helped her break apart from her senses and intuition and judge the shidduch in a cerebral manner. In that way, the checks lined up….

It’s not a shidduch if it looks good on paper. I’m not here to bash dating coaches. I think it is very important for young ladies and bochurim entering shidduchim to go to a dating coach, to help them get polished and ready for the shidduch process in a healthy way. But once a shidduch is in progress, you must rely on your own intuition and emotional intelligence, and daven to Hashem for guidance.

S. W.

Down to Earth [Parshah / Issue 930]

I’ve  been meaning to write this note for the longest time.

I really wanted to give a shout out to Faigy Peritzman for her beautiful articles which never disappoint. How she comes up with her creative content every single week is beyond me. Besides her anecdotes being so relatable, I love the way she’s so honest and down to earth. Her articles are beautifully written, so informative and a delight to read.

Keep it up!

Chany Klein, Brooklyn

Until Today [Lasting Flame / Issue 930]

Thank you, Family First, for bringing together three exceptional women who each highlighted the tremendous woman we knew as Mrs. Stern. Each of you expressed so beautifully what I was feeling but wasn’t able to put into words. Maybe it was the personal connection I felt to each contributor that brought each of your pieces to life.

While it’s been more than 25 years since I was blessed to have learned Neviim Acharonim with Mrs. Stern, the words of the pesukim she taught us (she promised we’d appreciate having to learn by them heart, and she was right) and the life lessons she imparted through her stories of her own chinuch and by personal example accompany me until today. I’ll admit I do sometimes get strange looks when my own high school daughter is studying for a test in navi and I randomly wax poetic about how much I love Neviim Acharonim... you only understand if you’re a talmidah of Mrs. Stern.

After reading her daughter Chani’s chilling words, quoting her mother, “The nevuos are so scary, I can’t even talk about it,” I couldn’t help imagining Mrs. Stern laughing now — just as Rabbi Akiva did when he saw the foxes on Har Habayis — and reassuring us that while the current events are certainly scary, the nevuos of Zecharya Hanavi, od yeshvu zekeinim u’zkeinos birchovos Yerushalayim, will soon come to fruition.

Miriam (Zylberman) Klapper, Bruriah ’99

Beware of Grapes [Family Living / Issue 929]

In the advice for beating the winter chills, there was a makeup tip about using a lip mask. Please be aware that a few of the flavors of the Laneige lip masks pictured contain grape, which can be problematic to use on the lips. Our rav told us to check for grape as an ingredient in lip products and not to use them. I wanted to make sure your readers were aware of this issue so that they could ask their rav for guidance.

Devorah

No Break for the Mothers [On High Alert / Issue 929]

In response to the article “On High Alert” about mothering a little boy who has a number of life-threatening food allergies, the mother is truly amazing, dedicating her time to cook special foods for her son with allergies. I can definitely relate — my son has MCAS (repeated episodes of anaphylactic shock) with severe allergies. The only break I ever got from cooking for my son was the day I was actually in labor with my next child.

Mothers of children with allergies never get a break, even when they’re sick in bed. Buying takeout isn’t an option. Unfortunately, there are no organizations that cater to children and families that deal with allergies. Many children don’t sleep at night and can’t attend playgroups, day camp, or sleepaway camp. Some are allergic to heat and can’t leave their house in the summer and some are allergic to the cold.

After hearing of so many families that are going through this challenge, I started an allergy WhatsApp group and an eosinophilic esophagitis text chat for anyone who needs support. I also have a website called allergic2allergies.com where I post allergy-friendly recipes, ideas how to travel with allergic children, guidance on eczema, and much more. Additionally, I run a specialty formula gemach in Lakewood since these formulas are more expensive than regular formula and not affordable for some people. If anyone would like more information about my allergy groups or gemach (e.g., if you have extra to donate or if you need), I can be contacted through Family First.

Sarah Gertzfeld

All the Difference [Know This / Issue 929]

Thank you to the woman who was brave enough to share both her vulnerabilities as well as her successes after her hysterectomy.

As she says, her journey may not reflect her friend’s journey. This is a journey that will be experienced by each woman on a completely different emotional and physical level.

I’d like to inform your readers about ATIME’s SISTERS division that supports those who have experienced the painful experience of hysterectomy. We offer monthly support calls moderated by a psychologist, peer support, chizuk phone speeches, and occasional in-person events.

As a woman who experienced a hysterectomy, as well as someone who facilitates the support group, I can attest to the reality that support truly marks the difference between sinking and swimming — it’s extremely powerful!

I can be contacted through Family First.

F.T.

Another Approach [Family Connections / Issue 929]

As a licensed educator and having worked with numerous children over the years, I’d like to share my thoughts with the mother featured in the Family Connections who is struggling with the challenge of a toddler hitting the baby.

I think we need to look at why the child is hitting and then find a strategy as a solution. In this case, the child probably feels left out because it’s not possible to give both children full attention at once, therefore, the child is seeking negative attention to get some form of attention.

This can be fixed by giving the toddler 1:1 time with the parent. When the baby sleeps, the mother can play with the toddler. The child is also old enough to do some chores around the house, which can be a big help and give him some positive attention. The toddler can help Mommy put laundry in the machine and then turn on the machine. By showing the child how important and valued she is to her mother through these positive interactions, we might see some rapid change in behavior.

R.S.

Nothing Physically Wrong [What a Pain / Issue 928]

I’m totally a proponent of the ideas and hope expressed in Racheli Lebovics’ informative article about a woman’s experience healing her pain using Dr. Alan Gordon’s method. I had wrist pain at a stressful time, when I was working full-time and caring for my elderly and ill parents. It felt like my wrist was broken, but I hadn’t injured it, and an X-ray showed no structural cause for the pain.

Then my father a”h suddenly passed away. The day the shivah ended I realized my wrist hadn’t hurt me at all during that time. I hadn’t thought about my wrist even once during the shivah. It was remarkable evidence that there was nothing physically wrong. The overwhelming pain I experienced with the loss of my father a”h overtook my previous pain that had been due to “a conditioned response,” as Dr. Gordon says.

Debbie Wyner

The Schools Need to Realize, Too [Single Moms, Growing Sons / Issue 926]

As a single mother, I appreciate that the topic of single mothers raising sons on their own was raised. It’s not that I’m “so amazing” and deserve recognition. I’m just like many others, putting one foot in front of the other, dealing with life circumstances.

But the schools in particular are severely lacking the awareness of what it means to be a divorced mother. It’s not only that I don’t have a place in the community or that I buy my son’s esrog. It’s not only that I’m the sole breadwinner of the family with endless therapy/tutor/legal bills. It’s not only that my children are so, so stressed or that raising them alone is the most draining task imaginable. It’s not only that Yamim Tovim and simchahs are anything but happy. It’s all these things and a million more.

It’s time the yeshivos and schools recognize that my family is very different from most, and we need to be treated differently as well.

Name Withheld

I Don’t Mind the Gap [Mind the Gap / Issue 925]

As I read the recent article about big gaps between siblings, I felt so validated! All of the anecdotes resonated with me: becoming an uncle in second grade, feeling like my parents were old (they were 42 and 44 when I was born), and growing up in a quiet house.

I’m the youngest son in my family, with my four older siblings being eight, ten, 14, and 16 years older than me. While today I’m very close with each and every one of them, it took time to get to this point.

By the time I was in eighth grade, all of my siblings were married and out of the house. All I wanted was my siblings to come back home!

I also felt the irrational feeling of responsibility toward being my parents’ caretaker... after all, they were “old,” weren’t they? With no other kids at home, I felt like the burden was on me.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed the one-on-one time I got with each of my parents. This was such a beautiful aspect of being the youngest with no one else to share them with.

I agree with the article that in the eyes of the older siblings, the youngest will always be considered the youngest. Even though I’ve gotten married (to a fellow youngest child, of course) and have children of our own, we’re still considered one or two stages behind everyone else.

I appreciated the perspective that the article takes when it described how the youngest sibling gains a special perspective on family life, being able to observe their older siblings, how they run their homes, and how they parent. Although my wife and I aren’t perfect, we’re able to look up to our siblings as role models for the way they operate.

Additionally, because I spent so much time at home with my parents, I had the rare opportunity to see a lot of what goes on behind the scenes when parents try to juggle the needs of their married children. In one night, I’d observe my parents get multiple phone calls from the marrieds, this one asking for some financial help, another asking advice on an issue at school, with another wanting to come over to raid the fridge. Seeing all of that, how they juggled the many brachos in their lives, has allowed me to be more sensitive to my parents’ needs, especially now that they’re even older. I can’t expect them to bathe my kids the way that they used to for my older siblings’ kids. I just remind myself to take a step back and enjoy every moment that we spend together.

Sometimes I wish things were different, that I were closer in age and stage to my siblings. While being the “youngest with a gap” can certainly have its pros and cons, we believe that Hashem in His infinite wisdom designed things with perfection. And that means that He brought me into the world at exactly the right time!

A Youngest Who Doesn’t Mind the Gap

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 931)