“Enforcing rules should not be confused with being uncompassionate”

A Principal’s Perspective [Words Unspoken / Issue 927]

Lichvod “Your Frum Student” amush who asked why principals wait until their students are at-risk before reaching out,

I wanted to share with you a perspective from the other side of the desk. I’ve been a Bais Yaakov principal for almost 20 years. I appreciate the point you are making, but feel your perspective needs to be reframed.

From an educational standpoint, a school that doesn’t follow through with consequences for broken rules is doing their students a disservice. The chinuch a student gets from a school system isn’t simply from the content given over in the classroom, but from making commitments and taking responsibility. A system that doesn’t enforce its rules is cheating their students of these very important muscles.

Actually, the lessons of commitment, conformity, responsibility, and consequence are likely some of the most important lessons learned during one’s years of schooling. Most of what students learn in math and science class will be irrelevant in ten years’ time. But the lessons learned from being part of a system and the necessity to keep its rules, even if they’re unpleasant or annoying, are lessons in derech eretz and respect for others that will serve the student forever.

The mindset that school systems are oppressors for enforcing their rules and that the students are their victims is skewed and unhealthy. Every system has its rules and joining a system means committing to them. Breaking rules one committed to is wrong.

You seem to be under the impression that a principal who enforces rules isn’t compassionate. You’re correct that compassion is critical. But enforcing rules should not be confused with being uncompassionate.

Of course, educators must always be respectful to their students even when enforcing rules. If your principal was disrespectful to you, that is inexcusable. However, in my large circle of colleagues I’m not familiar with educators who are disrespectful out of principle. At times, mistakes are made… as you pointed out, everyone is human.

By the way, no teacher or principal likes disciplining. It’s the worst part of the job and we’d much prefer to not have to do it. But we have a responsibility to educate our students and not disciplining would be breaking our commitment to do so.

With respect to the difference you noticed in the way a “slipping student” is treated, it’s unfair to make comparisons. Education is not a science with a specific formula for success. It’s an extremely complex art that must be done al pi darko. Please have compassion on your teachers and principals who are trying to get it right.

I’d suggest the reframing that will make you much more content with your educators is accepting the fact that enforcing rules is not wrong. Breaking them is. You will grow a lot more by owning your mistakes than by getting angry at others for pointing them out.

As an important addendum, parents will be helpful to their children by framing things this way as well. Too many students are angry at their educators because parents have griped about school rules and consequences.

Rabbi Meir B. Kahane

Menahel, Chedvas Bais Yaakov

Yerushalayim

Girls Also Need a Father [Single Moms, Growing Sons / Issue 926]

In response to your article about single mothers parenting sons, I wanted to give a shout-out to all single mothers of girls out there. Just know this, your daughters also need a father figure in their lives! If possible, your ex can serve this role, but in cases where this isn’t possible, or where the husband is no longer alive rachmana litzlan, it’s definitely the time to be creative and come up with solutions. Is there a grandfather you can visit? Neighbors with whom you can share Shabbos meals, run by the man of the house? Having her observe a Shabbos meal run by a man even just once in a while can be an example for her future home later in life. Even just the knowledge that you follow a certain rav may be enough.

May all of us be zocheh to successfully pass on our mesorah.

Another Single Mom of a Girl

Be My Guest [Single Moms, Growing Sons / Issue 926]

It was with great interest that I read this article. I come from a single parent home and although female, can relate to the struggles of the boys’ world. While it wasn’t an issue of having to go to shul or other male-related stuff, not having a father in the home wasn’t easy, especially when everyone else would talk about their fathers.

As an adult, I’ve felt a tremendous sense of gratitude and warmth for the many Shabbos and Yom Tov meal invites that my mother and family received.

It’s my passion to spread awareness of how important it is to reach out, invite, include, and make those in need feel like family. For instance, last night, I was at Rabbi Brown’s Shul Melaveh Malkah (Agudah of West Lawrence), and someone went over to my mother on the way out and made sure that she wasn’t walking home alone.

On Monday night, Jan 6, the second annual event for “Be My Guest,” was held at the White Shul, featuring Rabbi Daniel Kalish shlita. I was grateful to coordinate this with the backing of Rabbi Eytan Feiner shlita and his rebbetzin. It’s an initiative I started at the White Shul to spread awareness and provide inspiration, reminders, and tips on how to fulfill the great mitzvah of hachnassas orchim, ensuring that no person feels alone, ever, especially during the Shabbos and Yom Tov meals.

It was so touching to see my coworker (more like supervisor!) drive from Brooklyn with her mother and three young children for the event. Another young woman made the long trek from Monsey.

Please consider this letter as a personal invitation to sign up to our organization. You can do that through Family First.

Chaya Feldstein

Far Rockaway, NY

An Act of Inclusion [Single Moms, Growing Sons / Issue 926]

Thank you for your important article about single mothers raising sons.

I especially appreciated Rabbi Bender’s pointers about how to make sure that boys from single-parent homes don’t fall through the cracks. I hope that all shuls will change Avos U’Banim to Dor L’Dor. It’s not simply a matter of semantics; it’s an act of inclusion for boys who, for a variety of reasons, don’t have a father to learn with them.

I write stories that give chizuk and insights to boys and girls in single-parent homes. The stories for orphans are available in the Kids Connect publication of the Links Family organization, and the stories for children of divorce are available in the magazine called Stronger, which is under the auspices of the My Extended Family organization. I hope that single parents reading this will avail themselves of these helpful, free resources. Each of these publications is a kind, wise, and encouraging virtual community that offers a wealth of information, entertainment, and advice.

Parents with ideas of challenges that they would like to see addressed in upcoming stories are invited to reach out via Family First.

Sara Miriam Gross

Rebbeim Work Harder [Inbox/ Issue 926]

I’ve been following with interest the morah versus rebbi conversation over whether or not they should be given equal gifts and which one works harder. My husband is a rebbi and I’m a morah, so I know the details of both up close and personal.

Here are some basic stats:

In my school, morahs work 8:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. That’s 20 hours a week.

My husband’s hours are 7:30 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. That’s three more hours per day! And did you all forget about a tiny little thing called Sundays? My husband works his normal hours each and every Sunday.

So far, we’re talking about nearly double the number of hours in the classroom each week. And for every additional hour he’s teaching, there’s the added prep and grading time.

Morahs also have many more vacation days. President’s day, Memorial Day, etc. The boys rarely get off. And while our Chanukah and midwinter vacation is five days, the rebbi is off on Friday, Sunday, and Monday. They usually start a day or two before the girls start, they have almost no vacation before Pesach.... I’ve counted around 15 extra days that the boys' schools are in session, not including Sundays.

My husband attends each talmid’s bar mitzvah. Often, he’s asked to speak. He livens up the dancing. And don’t forget the travel time. He also spends hours coaching each set of parents through the high school discussion. And he makes phone calls when he thinks his pull will help. And he’s also a reference. Meanwhile, 95 percent of my students continue straight to the sister high school, so I have none of this. And bas mitzvahs are much less of a thing, so if there is one, it’s not expected that the morah come.

This isn’t to say that our morahs aren’t hardworking, devoted, and remarkably talented.

They are! This is not to say that they don’t deserve excellent pay. They do!

But their job description is very different from a rebbi’s, and I wanted to point that out.

C.C.

New York

We’re Not Chopped Liver [Inbox/ Issue 926]

I read the letter written by “A dedicated Morah,” complaining that it’s far harder to be a morah than a rebbi, and that there should be no pay disparity between them, and would like to respond with some of my thoughts:

First, I totally agree with you.

Second, as an assistant teacher in a boys’ school, I noticed the difference in how teachers and assistants are regarded.

Of course, we know they’re both very important and valued, but how do we show that? Do we give both teachers the same or similar gift or do we just hand the teacher (via our son), an envelope and hope the assistant is busy doing something so that she won’t notice? Does each parent give the requisite amount of cash to the assistant while the teacher gets a whopping hundred dollars more?

We see it all and it’s hurtful. Yes, we as assistants don’t prepare lessons, but we do stay longer to clear up, check homework, prep homework and folders for the week, cut (sometimes endlessly) and prepare for school projects, and circle the room about 50 times within the same hour that the teacher is teaching, giving out papers, collecting them, etc.

Why is that not seen and appreciated just as a teacher’s work is?

Yes, baruch Hashem, I get plenty of praise from my coworkers, which I savor, but when it’s obvious that the teacher is being treated differently, hence that extra gift, it hurts. When you come to pick up your son, but don’t even give an “eye” to the assistant, it sends a message.

Let’s give respect where it’s due!

A caring and hard-at-work assistant

According to Your Need [Inbox / Issue 926]

In the letter from “A Dedicated Morah,” which is critical of gender differences, specifically as it relates to gifting morahs, she complains that her chosen career path has a downside as compared to others in the field and would like gifting parity. This is partly based on her wish that the genders be treated as equals. To a greater extent, A Dedicated Morah works too hard at her job and in her family to have a healthy life.

Please take the time to see the wonders of your unique place in both work and home. You may find the work you currently complain of turns into a blessing and the gifts will become acts of appreciation. How much you earn or are gifted will come from HaKadosh Baruch Hu at His discretion and completely lined up with your needs.

Robert Samery

Toronto

Estrangement Is Damaging [Family Reflections / Issue 926]

Kudos to Sarah Chana Radcliffe for addressing this extremely painful and difficult topic. While estrangement is growing in our community, there is still much misunderstanding around it. Blaming parents for all of one’s emotional and psychological challenges has been popular since the early 1900s, but more recent research shows there are many things that influence a human being’s development.

Dr. Joshua Coleman (2024), a psychologist and a leading researcher in the topic of estrangement, posits that “this evaluation of family is especially problematic since good or bad parenting accounts for a relatively small part of who we become. Recent studies in genetics, the time period you are born into, socioeconomic class, peer influences, neighborhood, not to mention random good and bad luck, highlight the limits and limitations of parenting.”

As a practicing psychotherapist for over 20 years, I work with both parents and adult children who are in the midst of intense conflict and distress. What I’ve found is that while estrangement may bring initial relief to the adult child, as Sarah Chana states, the long-term effects aren’t so positive.

There can also be also negative effects on grandchildren, who may experience abandonment through the loss of this significant relationship. More and more research demonstrates the importance of grandparents in children’s lives. In my opinion, weaponizing grandchildren should be extremely frowned upon in our community. The loss of a relationship with their grandchildren has been shown to be a precursor to such mental health challenges as depression and addictions.

It’s through the stories I heard from both parents and adult children that I realized that we need to do more to address estrangement. In response to this need, I created Heartlinks in April 2024, a program that gives support, solace, and strength to estranged and alienated parents and grandparents of adult children. Heartlinks also aims to liaise with therapists and rabbanim.

We must all be very careful not to fall into the trap of one-sided reporting. While there are cases of extreme abuse, the vast majority are not. We can effectively empower and support our clients toward a path of some kind of reconciliation.

Lena Shore, MSc

Coordinator, The Place

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 928)